Author: Lady Charena <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Part: NEW 1/1
Feedback: I'd like feedback very much. Please mail me at <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Summary: Jim is not happy in his new life as an Admiral of Starfleet. Until he found a new, delusive source of joy.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed only a small part from it, to have some fun with the Boys. The story is mine and just fanfiction - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my native language. My deepest gratitude to T'Len for beta.
Note: This was not beta-read by a native-English beta. For errors blame me.
by Lady Charena
As he left the bar, he saw his mate at once - standing in front of the building, his face unreadable. Waiting for him.
This was more than unexpected and enough to clear off - at least partial - the remains of drinks and drugs in his body. He went to Spock, smiling sweetly.
"Hi, love," he said. "I didn't expect you to be here. How long have you been waiting?"
"Too long, as it seems."
It was a cold reply. Very cold. Jim touched gently the cheek of his beloved Vulcan, trying to lighten the mood.
"Please, Spock. Don't be mad, I just had a little fun..."
"Just a little fun? You promised me, Jim." Spock sounded now angry. "You promised me - no more drugs. And now..."
He turned the back to his mate, concealing the pain in his dark eyes. "How am I supposed to trust you now, Jim? You never keep your promises. You even *lied* to me."
"Now just a moment," Jim cut in. "I didn't lie to you. I *had* a meeting this afternoon. We're finished it only a bit earlier than I expected. Therefore, I came here for a little relaxation. I thought you'd be in the laboratories till evening."
He stared at the unforgiving back of his mate. "Spock, I..."
The Vulcan turned slowly, his face an empty mask. "Please, not here," he said blankly.
Jim remembered their public surroundings. He tried one of his once famous smiles, but it showed no impression on Spock. "Okay, lets go home," he agreed.
* * *
It was a long and unpleasant walk back to their apartment. Spock blocked every try to talk, walking beside him, his manner stiff, and his steps fast.
He watched the human silently as they went into the apartment. Noticing his slightly unsure step, his nearly sway against the wall, as he stripped off his jacket. Leaving it behind on the floor, as he went straight into the living room, pouring himself a drink.
Falling down onto the couch, he smiled sweetly in the direction of his now entering mate.
Joyfully he slapped on the free space beside him. "Won't you sit down? Let's talk a bit."
Spock followed this wish slowly- after some hesitating. He knew Jim; the human was now in no condition for some real, serious talking. So he kept his silence, only half-hearted listening to the humans chatter about rumours and other unimportant things from his work at Starfleet headquarters.
After some time he felt silent. Spock turned his head - the human slept. Sacked on his right side, his cheek pressed into the soft surface of the couch's back, sleeping soundly. Lying there, he looked like a small boy, fallen asleep right after an exhausting day of play and fun.
However, his face was a bit too empty, a bit too pale, the shadows circling under his eyes too dark to delude the Vulcan. Jim played a very dangerous game - and not only his health was on stake. If his superiors should learn of his drug addiction, his carrier was threaten - he would never again command a Starship.
Gently smoothed Spock the obstinate curl in Jim's forehead back to order. He loved this man and cared deeply for him. And even without the tie of a formal bond between the two of them he knew, that Jim loves him too. Friends for five years, mates for nearly one year now.
The Vulcan got up, lifted the sleeping human careful- but effortless - onto his arms and carried him into the bedroom. Stripping off his shoes and clothes with practised ease and in no time. He took a light sheet around him and bent down to the human - kissing gently the cool lips. After a moment, he straightened and left the room.
Jim would now sleep for several hours, awaken with a heavy headache, an upset stomach and full of regret. He would come to the Vulcan, seeking forgiveness and understanding. But Spock wasn't that sure anymore, that he could give what the human sought...
* * *
In the beginning, it was only too much drinks or an occasional frenzy. Inexplicable for the Vulcan, but tolerable. But after some time, as Jim got more and more unsatisfied with his new post as an Admiral, desiring adventure and new discoveries and the freedom of space, his behaviour changed extremely.
Spock tried to fill the void left over by the honourable - but unwanted - promotion behind a desk and away from his beloved ship. Nevertheless, nothing he did seemed to have any impression on his mate. Jim got more and more silent, his mood brittle - swaying between irritation and something like depression.
At some days Spock had the very disturbing impression of looking into the familiar face - and seeing a stranger. And one day they got into a real serious quarrel - the first at all - about something entirely unimportant - which the human finished by leaving their apartment.
As he returned - several hours later - he was in a better mood as in months. He came to the Vulcan, smiling and whistling, hugging his surprised mate, kissing him and begging for forgiveness. Then he took him to bed, to celebrate their reconciliation...
His cheerful mood lasted until the other morning. Then he got anew unbearable. Spock did his best to get out of his way and spent the day in the laboratories and the library of the science department. But as he went back home in the evening, Jim was beaming with good mirth, serving a delicious vulcan dinner, and doing everything to make up for his earlier behaviour. Spock was at an entire loss to understand, but he accepted the changing emotions of his beloved human.
It lasted nearly two months till Spock discovered the source of his mates newly found happiness - an andorian drug called *re'kel*. Once used to soothe the warlike soldiers in times of peace, it induced a dreamlike state of happiness and disengagement in humans. The Vulcan tried to explain the dangers of the misuse of any drug, but Jim smiled only and tried to affirmed him of *his* opinion.
"There's nothing to worry about, love," he said lightly. "Everything under control. I'm fine."
Off course it wasn't. After some time Spock was sure that Jim needed this *re'kel* more than he liked to care. The human was depended on the drug.
Worried he tried to contact McCoy - to discover that the human had left earth after his release, to visit his daughter. There was no other he dared to ask for help. And so he tried repeatedly to talk with Jim, to convince him of the dangers. But his lover smiled every time, calling him an old killjoy and brought their conversation onto a new theme.
* * *
Soft footsteps startled the Vulcan up from his silent reverie. Jim was standing in the door-frame, yawning, smiling. He looked very much like the day he took command over the Enterprise. The day they met for the first time.
Sliding onto the elbow-rest of the chair, he hugged the Vulcan.
"Hi, love," he whispered, kissing the thin lips. "I'm so sorry for this afternoon. I know you're only thinking of my best. But everything is all right, believe me."
He started to caress his too-silent lover, but Spock took his hands and stilled them. "No," he said in earnest. "No, Jim."
He got up, backing away some steps. "I've meditated of you and me, Jim. I can't tolerate this anymore. I can't take your sugar-coated lies of regret and your promises of improvement. It's your decision alone - stop using the drug or you lose me for good."
It was a long time very quiet in the room. Then, "You're saying, you leave me."
Spock nodded. "If you choose to use the drug in future, I will."
The human went to him, gripping hart his shoulders. "You can't do that, Spock! You can't leave me. I need you. I love you." He kissed the Vulcan desperately, but Spock didn't react.
"I know, Jim. But I must. There's no other way," he whispered, leaving the human standing alone in the living room.
* * *
Jim promised again not to take *re'kel*.
He would have Spock promised the stars, if he had asked for them. Nevertheless, not even two weeks later, the Vulcan found him again in the little andorian bar, drunken and deafened from the drug.
And Spock hardened his heart, turned and left the bar. Left him.
As Jim went some hours later into their apartment, the Vulcan was gone.
Continued in Dark honey.