Part 2













Jim tried strongly - and unsuccessfully - to stop his tears. He told himself he had to be a man now, and he told himself sternly that real men don't cry. But the thought that his beloved Dad would never return was too much to endure. No fishing and swimming again with his father. No stories from his father’s missions, which had inspired his dream of becomeming a Starfleet captain and discovering the stars for himself.


Robert April had brought the news at noon. Since then nothing was as it had been before. Jim wished that Sam were with him so that he would have someone to talk to. But Sam, too, would never return. The thought of his dead brother stirred his tears again.


Jim stopped in front of the door to the living room. The sounds from inside indicated that his mother was crying, too. He himself hadn’t been able to find any sleep and so came down to seek her comfort. But likely – so Jim thought - he had to comfort her instead. “You’re the man of the family now, my boy,” uncle Robert had said earlier that day.


He pushed the door open. His mother was sitting on the coach, her head resting in her hands. “I’m so sorry,” April said simply. His father's Captain sat opposite Mother with his back to Jim. Neither of them had noticed the boy so far. "But I think I owe you the truth. I loved George more perhaps than I should have."


At first Jim didn’t give the words any special meaning. He knew that his father and uncle Robert had been close friends. April had been godfather to both his brother and himself.


"No!" Winona cried. “George wasn’t one of “them”. Not George. Not after his reaction to Sam.” A crying fit shook her. And Jim suddenly understood. He gasped, but nobody noticed him. Dad had driven Sam to suicide with his hate on homosexuality. How could he be it himself?


"We didn’t want it to happen," April said quietly. "I love Sarah and George loved you, Winona, and your boys, but we were lonely out there, surrounded by the hostile cold of the universe. We needed closeness to survive. We hated it, we hated ourselves for the betrayal of our families... but we just couldn’t stop ourselves."


Jim stumbled out of the room, and the house, running into the dark night. Finally he came to rest in the barn. There he cried until exhaustion overtook him and he slept. 




"My mom died a half year later... of a broken heart, you might say," Kirk ended his story.


"My good!" McCoy gasped. He hardly knew what to say. For such a tragedy no-one could find words. He began to understand Jim’s position, but for his own and especially for Spock’s sake he had to fight for their right to love.


"Again, as tragic as it all that is, it has nothing to do with our situation."


Jim stared at him. "My father destroyed our family with his perversity. At first his self-hatred drove my brother into suicide, then the truth killed my mother, too. Damn it, Bones, you have a wife and a daughter as well. Don’t you think about what you’re doing to them?"


"Ex-wife," Leonard corrected automatically. "I married her so people would stop asking questions. But I couldn't go on living a lie. The divorce was the best thing for both of us. I married her because I was afraid. Afraid of being gay, afraid of what people would think. But I learned that I couldn't change who I was. She deserved a husband who could love her in every way. Losing custody of Joanna was the hardest thing I've ever endured, but I couldn't hold on to a marriage that was a sham."




"McCoy, I have to talk to you." Leonard had a bad feeling in his stomach as the senior physician of the hospital called for him. Leonard had worked as his assistant for the last half year. Something in the voice of the old professor promised nothing good.


Walther Miller didn’t waste any time. He ordered Leonard to sit down and came right to the point: "Son, it has been brought to my attention that your, ah, lifestyle, isn't exactly up the *standards* which we here are b' expectin' at this facility. Ah have been told, that you have been, that you have been seen at certain, Ah say, certain *establishments*, and there are even rumuhs about an, ah, inappropriate relationshunship b'tween you and one of our male nurses."


Leonard gasped. How in the world could he know? He had always been so careful and discreet. And he and Rick, the male nurse, had only met twice.


He attempted to speak, but the professor held up his hand. "Ah will not tolerate this kind of con-duct at our hospital. Either you shape up now, son, or I regret that we'll have to ask you to leave."

With this Leonard was dismissed. As he had reached to door, the professor stopped him once more. "McCoy, you’re a good doctor  - a very good doctor - and Ah don't want to lose you."


He didn’t say more but Leonard understood.


That same evening he told Rick he would never see him again and he asked Jocelyn to marry him. Jocelyn O’Grady was a daughter from the neighbourhood. Leonard had practically grown up with her, and he knew well that both families had expected them to marry for years. He didn’t love Jocelyn, but at least he knew her and she was the best alibi he could get. He couldn’t risk his job: his old and ill father needed his help, his money, for the best possible medical care.


But he was shocked at this expression of intolerance. He had thought that such things belonged to the distant past. Equality might be the written law, but you'd never know it by actual experience. Even if they couldn’t fire him because of being gay they might look fpr other excuses. Finally he only had a contract at trail for one year.


He had hoped then to arrange his life with Jocelyn, to even love her some day. When they had a daughter, he really was happy for a while. But if he had believed he would be able to deny his true nature for the rest of his life, he was profen wrong.


He started to become unsatisfied with his life. There was a craving inside him that Jocelyn couldn’t fulfil. He slipped into old habits; he found excuses to return to the bars." He never found out who discovered and betrayed him; without warning one day he was called again into the head physicians office – like years before.


Knowing it would be better than the inevitably attention insisting of his rights would gain he resigned at once and joined up with Fleet. Getting as far away from home as he could seemed to be the only way for him to find peace with himself. Jocelyn didn’t mind at all; she was already living only for their child, and a year later they divorced officially. He never talked with her about it, but he was sure Jocelyn had at least guessed at the true reason.




"Fleet knows why it is still holding to its regulations," Kirk said as McCoy finished his explanation. “As you know, there are many more men assigned to shipboard duty than women. Loneliness and fear can drive men to do things they would never consider under ordinary circumstances – things they later regret. The Service needs officers that are uncompromised, that can't be compromised. You must understand the necessity of this."

"Come on, Jim, you’re not trying to make me believe you’ve never done it before, are you?"


Kirk jumped to his feet, knocking the glass of brandy over. He didn’t bother with it at all. "I never have and I never will." He nearly cried it out.


"Don’t forget that I know your psych-profile and now, having heard about your family history… Jim, to be honest, it would be no surprise if you turn out to have homosexual tendencies."


"I do not," Kirk said with determination.


"Your negative feelings about homosexuality could be the result of internalised homophobia," Leonard offered carefully.


"Don’t play Dr. Freud with me, Bones," Kirk hissed and then suddenly unwanted and long forgotten memories were back.




The hot water was slowly soothing his cramped muscles - he had just drained himself completely in the gym - but his brain still raged. How the hell could this have happened? He had lost two of his people today and it had been all his fault.


Lieutenant Kirk was so deep in thoughts that he didn't notice that he was no longer alone until he was grabbed by the shoulder. Jim started, then turned around. “Captain," he gasped, surprised.


Captain Garrovick was standing right behind him - stark naked. Jim couldn’t believe it.


Kirk blushed. "I’ve finished, you can take the shower," he murmured, wondering why the Captain didn’t use one of the others. He had been alone in the gym, so the other stalls had to be free.


Garrovick, not bothered by his nakedness at all, held him back when he tried to slip outside. "You know that I have to report you," he said. “Beaming down without checking the soil first is a mistake I wouldn’t have expected from a cadet, not to mention a lieutenant who came aboard with the highest recommendations.”


Jim lowered his eyes. "I know captain. It’s unforgivable." He had beamed down with a group of five people, without having the transporter-chief make a detailed scan of there landing area first. Everything seemed to be okay at first sight, and so - eager to be going down - he didn’t waste any more time. He and three others had been lucky and materialised on firm soil, but Artina and Eliz had landed on a fragile ledge that collapsed before anyone could react, something that should have been a harmless investigation of a well known, uninhabited planet had ended in a catastrophe... and probably ruined his career before it really had began.


"Sir, nothing that I can say will make it disappear. I can only ask forgiveness."


Garrovick suddenly smiled at him. "There is no way to help you, Jim, unless…" his hands travelled down Jim’s back. "…you make me forget.”


Surprised, Kirk gasped for air. Could Garrovick really be saying what he thought he was saying? "Sir?"


"You’ve always tempted me, Jim" Garrovick fondled Jim’s buttocks. “Cute little ass."


Jim flinched. He needed all his self-control to prevent himself from shoving Garrovick away and hitting him. But if he did that, not only would his career be over, but he would also land in the brig for the next century or so.


"I can’t,” he whispered, hoping his Captain would let him. “I’m not one of those."


Garrovick teased his opening with a finger. "Think it over, Jim. Your career, for just a little fun. Your choice."


Jim sighed and finally nodded. If he had seen any other chance, he would have taken it. But as much as his mind was racing he couldn’t find a way out. In his mind's eye he saw the shattered bodies and knew their deaths were his fault. He had to pay for it. One way or another.


Motionless, Jim watched Garrovick stimulate his already half-erect cock to full hardness. It only took him a few well-applied strokes. The Captain sighed with pleasure. Then he turned Jim around, so that he faced the wall.


Jim felt a finger easing some sort of lubricant into him and then the tip of Garrovick’s cock pressed against his opening. "I’m not one of those perverts," he whispered, as the other man entered him.


Feeling Garrovick moving strongly inside his body, Jim suddenly saw Sam’s lifeless body before his eyes and he heard the cries of his mother in his ears. But suddenly he noticed - to his shock - that he was becoming increasingly erect as Garrovick worked powerfully into him


"No,” he cried. “No!” How could this happen? How could his body betray him this way? He couldn't be enjoying this kind of thing. Never! He clenched his fists and bit his lips until he tasted blood. He wasn’t a pervert like his father, who enjoyed another men’s cock up his ass while condemning others for this act. He was straight – 100 percent straight.


“I knew you would enjoy it.” Garrovick sounded satisfied as his hand reached for Jim’s cock to stimulate him further. Although he tried hard he couldn’t prevent himself from coming the same moment; Garrovick was filling him with his ejaculate.


Three days later they had the encounter with the blood-eating cloud and Garrovick died. Jim erased the night at the gym from his memory.




Kirk pushed the memories aside again. He had been young and in despair; seeing no other choice, as he was caught off guard. He never did it again, although Gary had once tried to seduce him when he was drunk, ana ct which destroyed their friendship.


He wasn’t one of those perverts like his father and he would never talk about what happened with Garrovick. Not even to McCoy.


He sat down again, facing his CMO. “It’s not only that you both are male, Bones. It’s fraternization as well.”


“It’s not,” Leonard replied. “We’re not in the direct chain of command and we hold the same rank.”


"And what if you are forced to choose between saving Spock's life and someone else's?"

“I know my duty.” Leonard didn’t hide the hint of disappointment in his voice. “Damn, Jim. We can separate our private and duty life. We've been doing it for over two years.”


Jim stared in sheer disbelief. “That long you've been…” He couldn’t bring himself to speak it aloud. “And I thought you were my friends.”


“We were and I hope we still are,” Leonard answered. He really hoped so. If not for the sake of their friendship he would not have even had the chance to try to persuade Jim to forgo an official report. He cursed himself inwardly for letting all this happen. Jim never would have found out if he had been more careful. But Spock "had been in such need that they simply couldn't make it to one of their cabins. At least he had been able to lock his door.




“Leonard, I need you.” Spock’s voice sounded so desperate that McCoy instinctively flinched. He had felt Spock's need rising the whole day long. Although they were not actually bonded yet and the Vulcan tried the shield himself, the already existing link between them had left no doubt that the time had come.


McCoy rose. “We’re going to my quarters, it’s closer.”


“No.” Spock breathed heavily, hardly able to speak in clear sentences. “Need you.. now… please”


Spock had already slipped his clothing off, so Leonard did the same. Done, shaking hands pressed him eagerly against the table. “Wait,” he gasped. “Let me get some lube first.”


Thankfully he found some cream in the nearby closet. Knowing Spock would not be able to do so, he quickly prepared himself, then bent down over the table.


Spock was at once over him, entering with a swift, hard motion. Leonard moaned, finding the entrance somewhat painful. But the pain was forgotten as Spock’s hands reached for his meld points. He could feel the fire burning in the Vulcan; consuming flames licked at him, but there were also deep feelings of love and belonging radiating from Spock’s mind. Leonard let himself be carried away by them. Neither time nor his surroundings mattered any longer.


And then he saw Jim and things took a turn for the worse




At least he knew now that remaining quiet about their relationship had been the right decision They had expected Starfleet’s intoelrance, so confidentiality had been the best choice. They had not, however, expected Jim to react as he did, and had, in fact, repeatedly considered confiding in him.

Kirk remained silent for a while. He felt hurt. How could his best friends betray him this way? He had trusted them.


“Why Spock?” he asked finally.



Part 3