What we do for Love
Summary: Kirk is rescued on Veridian III and finds out some surprising facts about his rescuer.
Part of the Kirk-Spock-Online-Fest at http://www.kardasi.com/KSOF/Stories.htm
Disclaimer: Paraborg/Viacom owns the whole Star Trek universe. I only borrowed a little part of it for some fun. No moneymaking, no offence of copyrights are intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with explicit m/m-sex, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. Isla and T’Boy did a really great job to correct my errors, not to mention all the suggestions they gave. My greatest gratitude to her. For all remaining errors, blame me. Thanks belong also to my dear friends Lady Charena and Tyberios for their encouragement to go ahead with this story.
He knew he would fall. He knew he would soon be dead. He knew that the already-broken bridge under him could not support his weight for long, but he didn't care anymore. His life had been over 80 years ago. As far as history was concerned, he had been dead since then. If he died again now, it wouldn't change anything.
It didn't matter to him either. He saw no reason why he should continue to live on in a time that was not his own. The life he once knew and loved had ended decades ago. And his few close friends were surely gone, too.
He saw all that had once mattered to him flashing through his memory one more time: His silver lady destroyed by his own hand. His only son murdered on a planet that was supposed to be a paradise, but ended up as hell. The woman he loved being killed by a truck.
He heard Bones nagging him about one of his stupid risks, and Scotty speaking with love about his engines, as if they were living beings. He saw Sulu and Chekov on the bridge of the Enterprise, teasing each other with well-known familiarity. He saw beautiful Uhura sitting at her station.
And he saw Spock. Spock, his first officer, and his closest friend. His heart arched with sorrow, and he knew there was one thing he regretted in his life: that he never could muster the courage to tell Spock that what he really felt for him was more then friendship.
If he could have a second chance now ... Spock most likely was the only one of his old friends who was still alive, but he had probably chosen a partner and started a family. No doubt, Spock remembered Jim as just a long-dead friend or former shipmate. Even if Spock was still alive, Jim would not be able to tell him the truth about his feelings.
For a moment, he asked himself what would have happened if he had spoken freely nearly a century ago. He knew how much Spock had cared for him, but could the Vulcan have loved him, too? Now it was too late to think about such questions.
His time was over. He had fulfilled his duty as he always had. He had saved the universe once more. Now it was time to face the inevitable.
He felt the bridge finally give away under him and braced himself for the hard impact on the rocky ground. He just hoped death would come quickly. He would die alone as he always knew he would, as he should have died 80 years ago in the deflector room of the Enterprise B.
He whispered a silent good-bye to old times and old friends. He wanted to die with the image of his love in his mind, so he once more pictured Spock's beloved face. And then James T. Kirk let go.
A strong hand grasped his wrists. He felt himself held secure in this grip as the bridge under him rumbled loudly onto the ground.
It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't dead; that someone had rescued him at the last moment. It could only be Picard. Soran would not have come to rescue him. The captain of the Enterprise D must have succeeded in defeating the crazy scientist and then found the time to look for his companion.
He looked up fully expecting to see the Picard. And then his eyes grew wide with shock and surprise as he saw a face that was the last in the whole universe he had expected to see here and now.
Jim stared in sheer disbelief at his former first officer as they stood safely on sold ground again. He was having a hard time believing that he was still alive on Viridian III instead of dead or back in the Nexus.
But he had seen the Nexus pass by the planet, so he couldn't be in it. He looked up when Picard approached them from the place where Soran's rocket had been.
"You've done it. Congratulations, Captain Picard."
But Picard shook his head. "We have done it." And then the current captain of the Enterprise stared with sheer surprise at the Vulcan. "Ambassador Spock, what are you doing here? How did you come...?"
The Vulcan replied with a cold and formal voice. "I was studying the Nexus and its effects as well. It was only logical that I come here."
Jim smiled. He felt really alive again now that he was where he belonged: on a ship traveling between the stars.
Jim and Picard had been surprised to find out that Spock had a small warp-ship on Veridian III hidden by a Romulan cloaking device. The sensors of the Enterprise had not detected it.
Jim had smiled when Spock translated the Vulcan characters on the hull of the compact ship: He had named his ship the Enterprise.
Spock explained that while he had waited for the appearance of the Nexus, he suddenly felt Kirk's presence. The shallow link established through their former melds, which had been necessary in the line of duty, had suddenly became stronger again. Spock had felt Jim's danger and had hurried to his rescue.
Now Jim and Spock were heading to Earth in the Vulcan's ship. Of course, they had received eager invitations to take passage on the Farragut, which had taken the Enterprise crew on board. But one advantage to being living legends was that no one dared to argue with them when they declined this invitation.
Jim was thankful to be alone with Spock for a while. He hoped to become more accustomed to his new life and all the changes in it while he was alone with his friend. No one knew him as well as Spock did, and there was a lot to talk about.
But Spock had become too quiet during the last hours. Jim knew that something was troubling his friend, and he was determined to find out what it was. Now!
"Spock, something is still troubling you. What is it?"
Jim was shocked to see the sadness in Spock's eyes as the Vulcan swung his pilot-seat around to face him. "I never could hide anything from you Jim, but you will hate me when you know the truth."
Jim shook his head. "You know that's not true. I never could hate you."
Spock put the ship on autopilot, stood up, and walked to the back of the cabin to the living and sleeping area. Jim followed him and sat down on one bed, but Spock remained standing with his back to him.
Finally, the Vulcan started to speak so quietly that Jim had to lean forward to hear him. "Soran was not alone. He had help."
Jim didn't need to ask from whom. He suddenly knew that Spock wasn't speaking about the Klingon renegades. The answer was clear from Spock’s behavior. "You?" he whispered.
Spock turned around, his eyes showing his pain clearly. "Yes."
"I have been studying the Nexus for the last 80 years. Jim, I knew that you hadn't died on board the Enterprise B. You know that we have a link as the result of our melds. Although you were reported dead, I could feel our link. It was weak, but it was still there. The only logical conclusion was that you lived, but on some other level of time and space. After I had questioned all the survivors from the Lakul, I was positive that you were in the Nexus. Since then I have searched for a possibility to rescue you or to join you there."
Jim’s heart jumped at Spock’s confession. The Vulcan had never given him up; he had searched for him for 80 years. Memories of scenarios he had lived out in the Nexus fleshed through his mind.
He suspected that he had died and was in heaven when he woke up in Spock’s arms. This was too good it just couldn’t be reality. When he discovered that he could create every possible scenario with his mind, he had indulged in a lot of fantasies. Fantasies about Spock and himself. Fantasies he never had dared to voice aloud in his life. For example he had loved Spock on the sands of Vulcan and was loved by him floating on the oceans of Earth. It was heaven and it was hell because he knew it was only a dream and never could be reality.
Jim was thankful that Picard had met him in one of his harmless fantasies. From time to time, he had indulged in such scenarios just to remember him that this wasn't reality. Other scenarios were just that good he never wanted to stop again. They let him relive his life the way it should have been. His initial refusal to leave the Nexus with Picard wasn't because of Antonia. He never cared for her. She was just another woman in a long line to help him forget his feelings for Spock.
When Picard came calling for his help, he had allowed duty to rule over him as always.
But now he was back in reality again, and his friend was telling him that he had searched for him for 80 years, that he had conspired with the madman Soran, and that he had been willing to kill over 230 million people to find him. Had Spock gone crazy? How could he set the life of one over the lives of so many? How could Spock justify the sacrifice of over 230 million innocent beings?
He had a sudden memory of McCoy telling Spock that love could inspire a man to break every rule in the books. Could it be that Spock loved him and that love had driven him to do this? " He had to know. It was time to know Spock’s truth and to tell his own. He had been silent for too long. "Spock, you're saying that you were ready to kill innocent people on the hope that I might be living in the Nexus. That doesn't seem possible."
"Oh, Jim . . .“ The Vulcan lowered his eyes as he confessed. "I did not know that Veridian IV was inhabited. Soran did not tell me freely, and I . . . to my shame . . . I did not ask. Perhaps I did not want to know something that might interfere with my purpose. And even if I had known it from the beginning, I do not know if I could have forced myself to stop him." He turned his back to his friend again.
Jim silently rose to his feet and put his hand on Spock’s shoulder. "Tell me everything," he whispered. He could clearly feel the Vulcan trembling as Spock started to speak.
"Jim, after you vanished in the Nexus, I felt so alone. With your disappearance, I lost my better half. And I felt guilt for not being with you, for not protecting you. I should have been there with you, protected you or died with you. I wanted to die then. But when I realized that there was a strong possibility that you still lived, I found the strength to live on to and learn all I could about the Nexus. When it appeared again in our galaxy 40 years ago, I tried to go into it. But no ship can go near without risking destruction. I failed. But I did not give up. I was determined to explore any possibility.
"Five years ago, Soran approached me. I had questioned him along with the other survivor, and so he knew that I was doing my own research. He suggested that we combine our resources. He told me that he had studied the Nexus over the last decades, and that he had found a way to go in. I had come to the same logical conclusion as he that the only way to go into the Nexus safely was waiting for it on a planet's surface. But I knew that no planet was in the direct course during the next appearance. Then Soran told me that he knew a way to alter the Nexus' course and that he needed my help. He said if a star exploded nearby, the gravity waves would change the Nexus’ course. He wanted to built a rocket which can trigger an explosion in a star, but he needed trillitium for it and this would not be available in Federation space. He needed some one with enough contacts to provide it. "
The Vulcan swallowed hard before he continued. "I went to Romulus. This unification movement I told you earlier about gave me a good and believable reason to be there and to make contacts. I found Romulans who were experiencing with trillitium, and I obtained the security codes Soran needed to steal it. I did not know until later about the Klingons nor that Soran had sold his invention to them as a weapon. Soran told me he would destroy the suns of Amargosa and Veridian. Amargosa did not have any planets and he told me that Veridian's planets are uninhabited."
Jim was stunned. This man before him just couldn't be Spock, his brilliant, insatiably curious science officer. What the hell had happened to him? How could Spock have been so careless? "Spock, this doesn't sound like you. Taking Soran's word for something that was so important."
" Yes, I know, Jim. As I said, I took his word because it was what I wanted to hear. I was a fool. I now believe that I was suffering from what Terrans would characterize as obsession.”
Spock continued quietly. “I bought this ship on Romulus to take me into the Nexus. I intended to use it to leave the Nexus once I found you. And if this wasn’t possible to stand there with you forever.”
Spock swallowed hard before he continued.
“I am guilty, Jim. I know I should have questioned Soran's motivations and actions further. I know I should have investigated the Veridian system on my own. It simply was not important to me. The only thing that really mattered to me was you. When I discovered that Veridian IV was inhabited, I tried to talk to Soran, to convince him to look for another solution. He was not willing to listen to me and in the end I gave up. It was already too late to find another plan. I could have stopped him, if I really wanted to, but I did not. I had come that far, and I could not stop. The only thing that still mattered was to go into the Nexus, and to go to you. I was willing to sacrifice everything for it; those innocent people, my own honor, everything.”
Jim was speechless. Could this really be the Spock he once thought he knew better then himself? Could this be the man he had loved more then his life? How the hell had all this could happen? How could have Spock changed that much? And to make things even worse, Jim was the reason for all this. He felt guilty for this.
"Jim, I know what I did is unforgivable and against all logic, but..." The Vulcans voice broke. After he regained some control, Spock continued. " … without you, I was nothing. I could not live without you. If there were a slight chance that you still lived I had to use it. You mean everything to me. I did not realize this completely until it was too late. Jim … I never told you ... but … I ... I love you."
Tears ran freely down the normally so calm face now. "Sh .. It’s okay Spock. Everything is okay." Jim turned the shaking Vulcan around and started to wipe the tears away, mumbling soothing words.
Jim’s own mind raced. He could understand Spock being tempted to break all the rules. He had once sacrificed everything what mattered to him, his ship, his career, his son, to save this man. But he would never have had killed innocent people to bring Spock back. Or would he have done so if there had been no other way?
Could love go that far? That Spock could throw away all his values and beliefs? Would this love based on such actions have a chance? He knew he still loved Spock--he never would stop loving him--but could he live with what Spock had been willing to do? Even if no one had actually died.
Jim couldn't think about the answers to those questions now. Now he had to tell Spock his own truth. "I love you, too Spock. I've loved you for a long time. I don't know when I started to feel more then friendship for you, but I never found the courage to tell you. I was afraid that I'd lose your friendship if I had told you so."
He kissed the Vulcan now, and Spock kissed him back. Jim brushed his tongue against Spock's hot mouth and was delighted when the lips parted to allow him entrance. He probed in the Vulcan's mouth and sucked his tongue it into his own mouth.
As they broke away for breath, Jim drew his arms around Spock’s waist, pressing their bodies together. Jim was delighted to feel that he was not the only one who had already responded to the intimacy that seemed to be so right. He could feel Spock’s erection through the fabric of their pants.
"I'll never leave you again, Spock. I promise, we'll stay together forever." He didn’t care what the future would bring. Tomorrow would take care of itself. He wanted to live in the now.
The Vulcan nodded, then kissed him again. Jim pushed the Vulcan down on the narrow bed and proceeded with kissing until it didn't seem to be enough anymore. He undressed the still trembling Vulcan, then stood up to undress himself.
As he lowered himself again on the hot body, strong Vulcan arms encircled him and drew him close. For a moment he lay absolutely still, enjoying the so-much-dreamed-of closeness. Then he started to explore his lover’s body with his mouth and hands.
He began on the delicately pointed ears, licking, biting and sucking them until Spock squirmed beneath him. Then he proceeded down to give his attention to two very erect and green nipples. Spock moaned with pleasure, and Jim went further down to take Spock's already-hard cock in his mouth.
He licked over the head, then along the double ridges reveling in the alien texture and scent. But he felt that it wasn't enough for Spock. And it was surely not enough for him. He had dreamed too much about this situation to allow the foreplay to continue. He was painfully aroused, too, and would need release soon. Jim blushed as some of his Nexus-fantasies leapt into his mind. He stored them immediately away again. Later there would be time to tell Spock about them and make his fantasies come true.
For now, he had to take care of their immediate needs. Jim rose and walked to the little bathroom, searching for some cream to be used as a lubricant.
The love and trust he saw in the Vulcan's eyes as he came back made his heart jump with joy.
Jim knelt before his lover and poured some of the cream on his fingers. He bent down to kiss Spock with all the desire he felt as he carefully inserted one finger in the tight anus. The Vulcan moaned in his mouth but didn't back away as Jim put at first a second and then a third finger into him. Jim wiggled his fingers inside trying to stretch the tight muscles further.
"Jim I want ... I need ... let me feel that you are alive." The Vulcan pleaded now.
"Yes, Spock, I'm going to love you." Jim withdrew his fingers and prepared himself for entering his friend. "I'll not hurt you.,“ he promised as he positioned his cock at the small entrance and pushed slowly inside.
Jim tried hard to control himself and fought the urge to thrust immediately. He carefully slipped into the welcoming warmth. The Vulcan beneath him had closed his eyes and let quiet moans escape. Jim could feel the pleasure and joy radiating from his lover, and his own happiness made him smile.
Jim thrust completely in, then allowed Spock to become accustomed to the fullness. As the Vulcan opened his eyes and Jim saw the sheer love in them, he bent down to kiss the arched eyebrows and slightly swollen lips. “I love you.”, he whispered in one ear, then bit the tip slightly.
When Spock started to rock his hips, urging him to move, Jim slowly withdrew until only the tip of his penis was still inside the Vulcan's anus. He pushed in again, causing Spock to groan with pleasure as he hit his prostate. “Yes .. Jim .. you .. are .. alive.”
Soon they established a mutual rhythm of thrusts and withdrawals, kisses and moans. The love both had denied for too long was burning higher and higher until the waves of love and desires crashed over them together, merging their souls like their bodies.
And as both neared climax, the Vulcan reached for the human's meld-points. Jim welcomed his touch, knowing instinctively that the meld would cause a permanent bond. "Yes Spock, join us ... forever."
Jim Kirk took in the sight of the green and blue planet rotating under him. When viewed from space, Earth didn't seem have changed that much in the last eight decades. But what was waiting for them on the planet's surface?
What would Earth hold for them both? He knew he would be greeted as a hero, as a reborn legend. But what about Spock? As he had once returned to face the consequences of his actions, Spock was doing so now.
During the last few days they had discussed it over and over again, trying to come to terms with what Spock had done. The Vulcan felt guilty for his ignorance and selfishness, and Jim felt guilty for being the reason for Spock’s actions.
They had made love, desperate to treasure each moment. They wanted to hold onto the hope of a future together that might never happen.
Jim told himself that nobody knew what had really happened. They could just run away … No, he knew they wouldn’t and couldn’t do this. He could not base his life on a lie. And the Spock he loved would never run away like that.
Still, he turned to face Spock while they prepared to land, and said, "You know, you don't have to tell them the truth. Nobody else knows, and we ..."
"Jim, I know. We know. And I cannot live with this lie anymore. I have done it for too long. Now that you are here, I cannot burden our new life with this. I do not regret what I have done. I cannot regret it--if only because you are alive, and you would not be if I had not been on Veridian III. But what I did was not right. If there is some honor and pride left in me, I must tell them and face the consequences.”
"I understand Spock. Really. You wouldn’t be the man I loved if you acted otherwise. We can only hope that you'll be pardoned. You couldn't know what Soran and the Klingons planned, and, in the end, you didn't harm anybody. Besides Starfleet and the Federation own you and me more then one favor."
He wasn't sure he really believed what he was saying--Spock was guilty of violating several Federation laws--but it felt so good to hold on the hope just for a while longer. “We'll get through this somehow."
"I will accept any punishment I deserve, Jim." The Vulcan sighed, then reached over to take his mate’s hand in his own. "But I can hardly bear the thought that we may be separated for a long time again. That may be the worst punishment of all."
“Nobody can separate us.” Jim assured. At last he was Spock’s bond mate. They belonged together now. He would go with him wherever Spock would be send. Even to prison if it must be.
As he saw Spock’s shocked look Jim realized his mate must have read his thoughts. “No.” Spock’s voice was full of panic. “I will never allow this to happen.”
Challenge: Spock saves Kirk from Soran. What would happen if Kirk had lived after Generations?
continued in Afterthoughts: Spock