Title: Say my name 1/1
Author: Lady Charena <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Series: post-ST III
Part: NEW 1/1
Feedback: I'd like feedback very much. Please mail me at <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Summary: After Spock's fal tor pan.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed a small part from it, to have some fun with the Boys. The story is mine and only fanfiction - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my native language. My thanks to my betas T'Len and T'Boy, who did again a great job to put everything in order, I messed up. For remaining errors, blame me.
Say my name 1/1
by Lady Charena
How many had he watched since their arrival on Vulcan?
It didn't matter. There was just one thing he knew - Spock was alive. It was all he needed to know.
Absent-minded, his eyes travelled through the neat guest-room he'd lived nearly three months in. It was merely courtesy, that had made Sarek invite him into his house. Even his gratitude obviously could not change his opinion regarding the human.
For people who claimed to have no emotions, Vulcan's had many feelings to hide...
But he could stand this. He could stand everything now, knowing that Spock was alive and seemingly well.
Soft knocking startled him from his reverie. Amanda stood in the open door. A small, fragile woman, but she caused him to shiver inwardly.
* // * // *
Months ago, late in one of the first nights after their arrival, she came to him. Questioning him about his refusal to bond with Spock.
For a long time he had gazed out the window to the mountains, far away. Unable to give her an answer.
"I think, I was too scared," his words fell heavily in the silence. Turning his head, he gazed at the woman, sitting stiffly in a chair across the room.
"Too scared about what?" she asked quietly.
Jim didn't answer, he just averted his eyes.
"Remember, I know what it means to be bonded to a Vulcan," she said, her voice sounding now slightly amused.
Jim flinched at the familiar tinge - knowing now, where Spock picked up his faint humour. But it had been a long time, since Spock's humour had surfaced...
"I was scared," he repeated. "Suddenly it seemed that... he would smother me. Every time he... touched my mind I felt like... I was drowning. As if I would... lose myself." He closed his eyes.
Her gentle touch at his shoulder startled him and he turned. "But you loved him?" she asked.
"I thought, I did - then. But now it seems, that... his love was far greater than mine. And as I..." he stopped for a moment. "...as I understood, what he really meant to me, I had already lost him."
A fine tremor went through his body. "So many times I hurt him, so many times I failed him. I turned my back to him, when he needed me most... All because I was too much of a coward. Too scared about giving up my oh-so-precious freedom. Condemning him to live his life alone, untouched - because I couldn't really give him really his freedom either. Because I bound him to me with my fear to be alone, my selfish need..." He broke and tried to regain control over the increasing trembling. "I never bothered myself with asking him what he wanted, needed, dreamt of. I just wanted him at my side, in every possible way."
He nearly forgot Amanda's presence in the same room. "I just took from him, all those years, without ever giving something in return. And he gave so much, first his friendship and love, later - in his sense of duty - his loyalty."
"You saved his life," she reminded him, her voice carefully neutral.
He laughed, short and bitter. "Just to save my own life." Slowly he turned again, hiding his face from her eyes. "Can't you see? It'd have been better for him, if we had never met."
"If you really think this way, I wonder why you're still here." She gazed at him. Kirk hugged himself, as if he felt cold. "Sarek said, Starfleet demands your return to Earth. Why don't you take your ship back?"
"Take my ship? But I... I can't leave Spock," he whispered. "Can't leave him again."
* // * // * // * // * // *
He pushed the memory aside, as he tried to meet her eyes.
"Spock will come home," she said straight out. "I thought, you might want to know this."
He had to swallow before he could speak. "When?" he asked around the lump in his throat.
"Tomorrow evening. There will be a dinner within the family. Dr. McCoy and you are supposed to participate."
"How is he?"
She sized him up, knowing he did not refer to the physician. McCoy had visited him earlier this day.
"He is well," she said more gently, before she left him alone.
Tired he threw himself onto the bed, covering his face with both hands. He wished, he could wake from this nightmare.
* * *
A formal dinner within the family - this was hardly the setting he'd dreamed of seeing Spock again. He hardly ate a bite, watching instead the Vulcan. As soon as courtesy allowed, he left the house, seeking refuge in the garden.
The night was cool, like desert-nights are, and very quiet. Slowly the feeling to choke vanished, but his mind reeled. Even after their brief encounter directly after the fal tor pan, he feared that all this might be just a sick hallucination. Tonight he had met Spock for the first time again since then. He was never allowed to visit him during his re-education... Possibly Sarek's doing.
And now. He was so far away from him, like never before. Like a stranger. This hurt...
Familiar footsteps sounded through the silence, startling him from his musings. Not Spock's, like he half dreaded - half yearned for at the same time. But McCoy came to him.
Even the faint light of the stars revealed the deep wrinkles and shadows in the physician's face, remains from the strain of the past months.
"Bones, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Looks like coming after you - like always," McCoy answered sarcastically. "You're all right? Your disappearance was a bit sudden."
He sized the younger man up, who first nodded, then denied. "I see. Same old song."
Jim turned to go. "I don't need derision, Bones."
McCoy grabbed his arm. "Stay! You'll close your mouth and listen to me now. Nothing will change, if you just wallow in self-pity. I'm heartily sick of your playing martyr. You've got a gift, Jim - a gift like no one before. Spock lives. You've got a real second chance for a new beginning. You can't undo what happened in the past between Spock and you, but you have to stop it now, before it will destroy you both in the end. I know, he's waiting for you. Hell, he never really stopped hoping you would come to your senses. Illogical like it is..."
He gazed in confused hazel eyes and got his voice a bit more under control. "Don't let this chance slip through your fingers, there will be no other. You have to go to him. He can't do it himself, Jim. You've hurt him too deep. I don't believe that he really ever got over it. But he loves in spite of all this. You understand, Jim?" He shook the dazed man slightly. "This crazy, pointed-eared, green blooded son of a... Vulcan... loves you so much, Jim."
Slowly Kirk lifted his head. "But how...?"
"You don't know, if you can trust yourself, do you?" McCoy gave his shoulder a last friendly squeeze. "I can't help you with this. You have to go to him."
"How did you know...?"
McCoy smiled. "I had him long enough in my head, remember? Now go."
Feeling as if he was dreaming, Jim turned away from his friend, started to go back to the house. Suddenly he stopped, whirling around to hug McCoy, before darkness swallowed him.
The physician crossed his fingers. "Wish you luck, boys," he whispered.
* * *
As he entered the house, he felt for the first time since Spock's death for the weak link - and went slowly upstairs.
No changes here - as he opened the door, the memories of the last pon farr surfaced. The last time, he failed the man he loved... But he pushed them away.
"Spock?" he asked quietly.
Now answer from the man gazing out of the window, his back turned to the human.
"I'm here to..." he broke.
Slowly the Vulcan turned. "Yes, Admiral?" he said.
But Kirk kept his silence.
Spock crossed the distance between the two of them, to study the human's features. As if he needed to re-learn the feel of it, he touched hesitantly the cool skin of one cheek. But he kept the touch clinical. "I remember now, Jim. I remember much, but not all. Some might be lost forever. But I remember you. More than anything else - you have been constantly on my mind, since I opened my eyes on Mount Seleya."
Jim pressed his face against the hesitant touch. But Spock jerked his hand back. "I remember loving you once," he said flatly.
"But you can't - now? Can't... trust me again?"
Spock didn't answer, started to turn away once more. At that moment, Jim reached for him and grabbed his arm.
And the link came to life at the touch.
After all this time, after all this pain - they were linked like they had been in the past.
Spock lifted his eyes, to meet the human's gaze.
"I can feel it too," Kirk whispered. "As you died, Spock... I died with you. I was empty inside. Till Sarek showed me the link."
Sarek had shared his memories about the meld with the human, so Spock knew about this, too.
Jim searched Spock's face for any clue about his thoughts - but couldn't read him. "Touch my mind," he whispered suddenly, the words spilling over his lips without a conscious thought.
Again there was no answer.
Kirk swallowed, turning away to hide his face. "You can't trust me, I understand." He laughed. "I wouldn't, either." He went to the door. "It was foolish to believe..."
A touch on his shoulder stopped him and he turned slowly.
"You offered this before," Spock said. "And turned away from me."
"I know," Jim's voice was a mere whisper. "I was too scared to lose myself in you, that I rather lost you."
"And now... you have lost this fear?" Spock's eyes held his, demanding the truth.
"Yes...no. Maybe I'm now even more scared than ever before. But I had to learn, that... that there's something I fear much more." He dared to touch the back of Spock's hand, brushing his fingertips over it. "Losing you."
For a long time, there was only silence between the two of them.
"Touch my mind?" Jim whispered.
Slowly Spock lifted his hand, but hesitated. "I... have to know," he said quietly.
Jim closed his eyes, as hot fingertips settled over the meld points in his face. "I, too." He grabbed for Spock's hand. "Don't let me hurt you again."
He wouldn't think about failing Spock again. He wouldn't think at all. A lump closed his throat and he had to fight against the sudden desire to run away. But he didn't. He couldn't lose him again.
There was this feeling of falling, as he felt Spock's mind entering his. Less gently than he remembered from the past, but without using real force. Something inside him gave in...
Yes, there was fear, but it was diminished, far away, as he felt the unique warmth of Spock's mind touch. And then the fall stopped. There it was - the fire, he'd feared all this time - but controlled, held at bay. The flames reflected his image, as he went slowly nearer.
Suddenly there was a second reflection... Spock - standing beside him, silently watching, silently waiting. His decision.
He reached out to touch the flames.
* * *
As he opened his eyes again, he lay on the bed. He blinked, searching the room, his gaze settling on Spock, standing near.
"Did I..." his voice was hoarse, his throat raw. "Did I hurt you again?"
"No, Jim. This time you accepted the touch of my mind." There was a strange tinge in the Vulcan's voice, he couldn't quite identify.
Hesitant, like a man feeling for a fresh wound, he felt for the link. "Something has changed," he whispered. "I can feel you more... strongly... deeper." He tried to get up, but Spock pushed him back onto the bed. "Did you bond us?"
Spock shook his head. "No, Jim. This is still the link. Even if you have overcome your fear now, there is so much more to heal. You'll have to grant me more time. And yourself, too."
"And now? How do we go on now?" He searched the dark eyes, seeking for something, lost a long time ago... Yes, there might be a spark...
"Only time will tell. I recommend you try to sleep, Jim." This sounded so like the 'old' Spock that a shiver went through the human. But as the Vulcan started to turn, he reached for him.
"No, don't leave me..." he whispered, hating himself for demanding it once more, but unable to stop the words.
But Spock settled himself on the edge of the bed.
And was he just imagining the brush of soft lips on his forehead, or...? Jim thought drowsily, as sleep claimed him.
There is something my dear beta T'Boy said: *They love, they need, they fail, they surrender, they remain
together, they're unhappy, but not all is lost.*
IMO this describes the series perfectly.
Hey, what more could I possibly say? Just... I loved to write this.