Title: Say my name 1/1
Author: Lady Charena
<LadyCharena@aol.com>
Series: post-ST III
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: R
Codes: K/S
Feedback:
I'd like feedback very much. Please mail me at <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Summary: After
Spock's fal tor pan.
Note: Last
sequel to Lost
dreams", "Longing",
"The call", "Consummation"
and "Lost in the light". A change
in time (memories) is as always marked * // * // *.
Disclaimer:
Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed a small part from it, to have some
fun with the Boys. The story is mine and only fanfiction - no moneymaking or
offence of copyrights intended.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my native language. My thanks to my betas T'Len and T'Boy, who did again a great job to put everything in order, I messed up. For remaining errors, blame me.
Say my name
1/1
****************
by Lady
Charena
2000
Sunset.
Again.
How many
had he watched since their arrival on Vulcan?
It didn't
matter. There was just one thing he knew - Spock was alive. It was all he needed
to know.
Absent-minded,
his eyes travelled through the neat guest-room he'd lived nearly three months
in. It was merely courtesy, that had made Sarek invite him into his house. Even
his gratitude obviously could not change his opinion regarding the human.
For people
who claimed to have no emotions, Vulcan's had many feelings to hide...
But he
could stand this. He could stand everything now, knowing that Spock was alive
and seemingly well.
Soft knocking
startled him from his reverie. Amanda stood in the open door. A small, fragile
woman, but she caused him to shiver inwardly.
* // * // *
Months ago,
late in one of the first nights after their arrival, she came to him.
Questioning him about his refusal to bond with Spock.
For a long
time he had gazed out the window to the mountains, far away. Unable to give her
an answer.
"I
think, I was too scared," his words fell heavily in the silence. Turning
his head, he gazed at the woman, sitting stiffly in a chair across the room.
"Too
scared about what?" she asked quietly.
Jim didn't
answer, he just averted his eyes.
"Remember,
I know what it means to be bonded to a Vulcan," she said, her voice
sounding now slightly amused.
Jim
flinched at the familiar tinge - knowing now, where Spock picked up his faint
humour. But it had been a long time, since Spock's humour had surfaced...
"I was
scared," he repeated. "Suddenly it seemed that... he would smother
me. Every time he... touched my mind I felt like... I was drowning. As if I
would... lose myself." He closed his eyes.
Her gentle
touch at his shoulder startled him and he turned. "But you loved
him?" she asked.
"I
thought, I did - then. But now it seems, that... his love was far greater than
mine. And as I..." he stopped for a moment. "...as I understood, what
he really meant to me, I had already lost him."
A fine
tremor went through his body. "So many times I hurt him, so many times I
failed him. I turned my back to him, when he needed me most... All because I
was too much of a coward. Too scared about giving up my oh-so-precious freedom.
Condemning him to live his life alone, untouched - because I couldn't really
give him really his freedom either. Because I bound him to me with my fear to
be alone, my selfish need..." He broke and tried to regain control over
the increasing trembling. "I never bothered myself with asking him what he
wanted, needed, dreamt of. I just wanted him at my side, in every possible
way."
He nearly
forgot Amanda's presence in the same room. "I just took from him, all
those years, without ever giving something in return. And he gave so much,
first his friendship and love, later - in his sense of duty - his
loyalty."
"You
saved his life," she reminded him, her voice carefully neutral.
He laughed,
short and bitter. "Just to save my own life." Slowly he turned again,
hiding his face from her eyes. "Can't you see? It'd have been better for
him, if we had never met."
"If you
really think this way, I wonder why you're still here." She gazed at him.
Kirk hugged himself, as if he felt cold. "Sarek said, Starfleet demands
your return to Earth. Why don't you take your ship back?"
"Take
my ship? But I... I can't leave Spock," he whispered. "Can't leave
him again."
* // * // *
// * // * // *
He pushed
the memory aside, as he tried to meet her eyes.
"Spock
will come home," she said straight out. "I thought, you might want to
know this."
He had to
swallow before he could speak. "When?" he asked around the lump in
his throat.
"Tomorrow
evening. There will be a dinner within the family. Dr. McCoy and you are
supposed to participate."
"How
is he?"
She sized
him up, knowing he did not refer to the physician. McCoy had visited him
earlier this day.
"He is
well," she said more gently, before she left him alone.
Tired he
threw himself onto the bed, covering his face with both hands. He wished, he
could wake from this nightmare.
* * *
A formal
dinner within the family - this was hardly the setting he'd dreamed of seeing
Spock again. He hardly ate a bite, watching instead the Vulcan. As soon as
courtesy allowed, he left the house, seeking refuge in the garden.
The night
was cool, like desert-nights are, and very quiet. Slowly the feeling to choke
vanished, but his mind reeled. Even after their brief encounter directly after
the fal tor pan, he feared that all this might be just a sick hallucination.
Tonight he had met Spock for the first time again since then. He was never
allowed to visit him during his re-education... Possibly Sarek's doing.
And now. He
was so far away from him, like never before. Like a stranger. This hurt...
Familiar
footsteps sounded through the silence, startling him from his musings. Not Spock's,
like he half dreaded - half yearned for at the same time. But McCoy came to
him.
Even the
faint light of the stars revealed the deep wrinkles and shadows in the
physician's face, remains from the strain of the past months.
"Bones,
what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Looks
like coming after you - like always," McCoy answered sarcastically.
"You're all right? Your disappearance was a bit sudden."
He sized
the younger man up, who first nodded, then denied. "I see. Same old
song."
Jim turned
to go. "I don't need derision, Bones."
McCoy
grabbed his arm. "Stay! You'll close your mouth and listen to me now.
Nothing will change, if you just wallow in self-pity. I'm heartily sick of your
playing martyr. You've got a gift, Jim - a gift like no one before. Spock
lives. You've got a real second chance for a new beginning. You can't undo what
happened in the past between Spock and you, but you have to stop it now, before
it will destroy you both in the end. I know, he's waiting for you. Hell, he
never really stopped hoping you would come to your senses. Illogical like it
is..."
He gazed in
confused hazel eyes and got his voice a bit more under control. "Don't let
this chance slip through your fingers, there will be no other. You have to go
to him. He can't do it himself, Jim. You've hurt him too deep. I don't believe
that he really ever got over it. But he loves in spite of all this. You
understand, Jim?" He shook the dazed man slightly. "This crazy,
pointed-eared, green blooded son of a... Vulcan... loves you so much,
Jim."
Slowly Kirk
lifted his head. "But how...?"
"You
don't know, if you can trust yourself, do you?" McCoy gave his shoulder a
last friendly squeeze. "I can't help you with this. You have to go to
him."
"How
did you know...?"
McCoy smiled.
"I had him long enough in my head, remember? Now go."
Feeling as
if he was dreaming, Jim turned away from his friend, started to go back to the
house. Suddenly he stopped, whirling around to hug McCoy, before darkness
swallowed him.
The
physician crossed his fingers. "Wish you luck, boys," he whispered.
* * *
As he
entered the house, he felt for the first time since Spock's death for the weak
link - and went slowly upstairs.
No changes
here - as he opened the door, the memories of the last pon farr surfaced. The
last time, he failed the man he loved... But he pushed them away.
"Spock?"
he asked quietly.
Now answer
from the man gazing out of the window, his back turned to the human.
"I'm
here to..." he broke.
Slowly the
Vulcan turned. "Yes, Admiral?" he said.
But Kirk
kept his silence.
"Yes,
Jim?"
Spock
crossed the distance between the two of them, to study the human's features. As
if he needed to re-learn the feel of it, he touched hesitantly the cool skin of
one cheek. But he kept the touch clinical. "I remember now, Jim. I
remember much, but not all. Some might be lost forever. But I remember you.
More than anything else - you have been constantly on my mind, since I opened
my eyes on Mount Seleya."
Jim pressed
his face against the hesitant touch. But Spock jerked his hand back. "I
remember loving you once," he said flatly.
"But
you can't - now? Can't... trust me again?"
Spock
didn't answer, started to turn away once more. At that moment, Jim reached for
him and grabbed his arm.
And the
link came to life at the touch.
After all
this time, after all this pain - they were linked like they had been in the
past.
Spock
lifted his eyes, to meet the human's gaze.
"I can
feel it too," Kirk whispered. "As you died, Spock... I died with you.
I was empty inside. Till Sarek showed me the link."
Sarek had
shared his memories about the meld with the human, so Spock knew about this,
too.
Jim
searched Spock's face for any clue about his thoughts - but couldn't read him.
"Touch my mind," he whispered suddenly, the words spilling over his
lips without a conscious thought.
Again there
was no answer.
Kirk
swallowed, turning away to hide his face. "You can't trust me, I
understand." He laughed. "I wouldn't, either." He went to the
door. "It was foolish to believe..."
A touch on
his shoulder stopped him and he turned slowly.
"You
offered this before," Spock said. "And turned away from me."
"I
know," Jim's voice was a mere whisper. "I was too scared to lose
myself in you, that I rather lost you."
"And
now... you have lost this fear?" Spock's eyes held his, demanding the
truth.
"Yes...no.
Maybe I'm now even more scared than ever before. But I had to learn, that...
that there's something I fear much more." He dared to touch the back of Spock's
hand, brushing his fingertips over it. "Losing you."
For a long
time, there was only silence between the two of them.
"Touch
my mind?" Jim whispered.
Slowly
Spock lifted his hand, but hesitated. "I... have to know," he said
quietly.
Jim closed
his eyes, as hot fingertips settled over the meld points in his face. "I,
too." He grabbed for Spock's hand. "Don't let me hurt you
again."
He wouldn't
think about failing Spock again. He wouldn't think at all. A lump closed his
throat and he had to fight against the sudden desire to run away. But he
didn't. He couldn't lose him again.
There was
this feeling of falling, as he felt Spock's mind entering his. Less gently than
he remembered from the past, but without using real force. Something inside him
gave in...
Yes, there
was fear, but it was diminished, far away, as he felt the unique warmth of
Spock's mind touch. And then the fall stopped. There it was - the fire, he'd
feared all this time - but controlled, held at bay. The flames reflected his
image, as he went slowly nearer.
Suddenly
there was a second reflection... Spock - standing beside him, silently
watching, silently waiting. His decision.
He reached
out to touch the flames.
* * *
As he opened
his eyes again, he lay on the bed. He blinked, searching the room, his gaze
settling on Spock, standing near.
"Did
I..." his voice was hoarse, his throat raw. "Did I hurt you
again?"
"No,
Jim. This time you accepted the touch of my mind." There was a strange
tinge in the Vulcan's voice, he couldn't quite identify.
Hesitant,
like a man feeling for a fresh wound, he felt for the link. "Something has
changed," he whispered. "I can feel you more... strongly...
deeper." He tried to get up, but Spock pushed him back onto the bed.
"Did you bond us?"
Spock shook
his head. "No, Jim. This is still the link. Even if you have overcome your
fear now, there is so much more to heal. You'll have to grant me more time. And
yourself, too."
"And
now? How do we go on now?" He searched the dark eyes, seeking for
something, lost a long time ago... Yes, there might be a spark...
"Only
time will tell. I recommend you try to sleep, Jim." This sounded so like
the 'old' Spock that a shiver went through the human. But as the Vulcan started
to turn, he reached for him.
"No,
don't leave me..." he whispered, hating himself for demanding it once
more, but unable to stop the words.
But Spock
settled himself on the edge of the bed.
And was he
just imagining the brush of soft lips on his forehead, or...? Jim thought
drowsily, as sleep claimed him.
end
********************************************
There is
something my dear beta T'Boy said: *They love, they need, they fail, they
surrender, they remain
together,
they're unhappy, but not all is lost.*
IMO this
describes the series perfectly.
Hey, what
more could I possibly say? Just... I loved to write this.
CU
LadyCharena
-The End-