Lost dreams 1/1









Author:           Lady Charena <LadyCharena@aol.com>

Series:           TOS, post-TOS, STMP

Part:               NEW 1/1

Rating:           NC-17

Codes:           K/S

Feedback: I'd like feedback very much. Please mail me at <LadyCharena@aol.com>


Summary: Jim and Spock try to deal with the end of their relationship - and the reasons for it.

Note: References to the episodes "Operation Annihilation", "Amok Time" and to STMP.

A change in time (memories) is marked through  * // * //.


Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed a small part from it, to have some fun with the Boys. The story is mine and only fanfiction - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.

If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my native. My deepest gratitude to my beta T'Len and to T'Boy, who did again a great job to correct my mistakes. If there any left, blame me.



Lost dreams 1/1


by Lady Charena




The first rays of the morning sun entered the penthouse through the big front window. Darting like little imps in every corner, reflected from the glass of the pictures adorning the walls of the living room.

The table in front of the window was laid for one person.

* * *

A quiet sigh came over his lips, as he saw the unused plate.

So he turned and went back to his work. He shivered - the temperature in his office seemed far too low to warm him. And humans dared to call this season 'summer'... He forced his wandering thoughts back to his work.


But after a few minutes he found himself still gazing at the same report he had already read before he went to the living room. And he remembered not a single word from it. Nothing too important, but he would like to finish with his work today. They planned a camping trip for the weekend, like they had in the past.

His eyes softened as he thought about those times... memories full of human laughter and warmth and love...


But that was over.


Hiding his face in both hands, he tried to control the pain. There was an unexpected wetness on his cheeks, he touched with disbelief. Tears...

Ashamed of his lack of control, Spock left his office to seek shelter in meditation.

* * *

Nearly two hours later he heard the soft sound of a closing door. Jim was back.

A few minutes later he knocked.




The human rushed into the room, smiling and nearly bristling with his good mood. "There you are, Spock. I thought, you'd be in your office?"


The Vulcan shook just his head.


Jim went to him, sizing the too silent friend, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Everything all right with you? You look tired."


"I am well."


As Spock averted his eyes, the human sat down beside him. Tipping the Vulcan's head up, he searched his gaze. "Really?" he asked gently.


Spock looked into those hazel eyes, unable to hold himself at bay. He felt like drowning, as he bent his head to capture cool, human lips. To drink the smile from them, till his hunger would be sated...


Jim turned his face away. He got up and directed his gaze out the window, absently watching the play of white clouds over a blue sky.


"I... I am sorry, Jim. I did not intend to..."


The human cut in. "It's okay, Spock. Nothing to worry about." He turned. "You did nothing wrong." He tried to smile - and failed. Then he shrugged. "I too, remember sometimes." With this he left the room.


Spock looked down at his hands. They trembled.

* * *

He decided to go back to his work. Passing in front of the open door to the living room, he saw Jim sitting on the table.

The human lifted his head, gesturing to the free chair. "Did you already have breakfast?"


Spock shook his head. "I am not hungry, Jim." But he followed the gentle invitation to sit down next to Kirk.


Jim took a sip from his coffee. "Seems to be a good thing, Bones didn't move in, too. He would bicker with you every morning about the importance of a daily breakfast. Remember, on the ship he used to..." He fell silent, watching the Vulcan over the rim of his cup.


Spock's eyes were on the table. Even as the human reached for his hand. "You've worked again the whole night. Am I right?"


 There was no answer, but a stiffening of the fingers beneath his. Jim looked at them... and noticed for the first time really the plain golden ring, circling again Spock's left middle finger.


He knew it well. It had been his present to the Vulcan on a day long ago, a few weeks after their first night. It had been more than a gesture - then. Now it was a bittersweet reminder of the past...


He found himself unable to meet the Vulcan's eyes.


"I wonder - why this... now?" He traced the ring with a fingertip. "It was never supposed to hold you to a commitment which no longer exists."


Spock jerked his hand back.


"I know," he answered tensely. "Will you excuse me now? I have work to attend to." The Vulcan got up and left the living room.


Jim bit down hard onto his lower lip. His had been a needlessly gruesome remark.



* // * // * // * // * // *


But once there had been a night, they had spoken of forever...


Those... *things* from Deneva followed him into his dreams, turning each into a never-ending nightmare. They killed Sam and Aurelan. And nearly Spock, too. A tremor run through his body and he got up, to sit on the edge of the bed.


Spock reached for him, pulling him back, beside him.


Sighing he stretched his body, hiding his tired face. Gently hands started to massage his tense shoulders. "Is everything all right with you, Jim?"


He didn't answer - at least not with words. Lifting his head, he kissed his lover, pushing Spock back to straddle him.

"Tell me," he whispered. "Do you love me?" Circling the thin lips with a fingertip.


Spock's features softened, as a rare smile played around the corners of his mouth. "You know I do, t'hy'la."


"And for how long will you love me?" the human asked.


Spock brushed his temple. *Forever, if you wish me to do so.* Spock's light mind-touch vanished. He knew that the human reacted with strong headaches, if they melded without a certain amount of time for preparation for Jim. But sometimes he yearned with his whole being for this simple intimacy, so normal between couples on his home world.


His lover smiled, bending his head for a gentle kiss. "We'll see," he whispered. "But now..." His hands shoved the light sheet aside, which parted them. "I want to love you, feel you."


He started to caress the Vulcan, chasing the nightmare away. This was reality - Spock beneath him - lips slightly parted, face unguarded and relaxed. This was all he'd ever need. The taste of his skin, his soft moans - was all he'd ever craved to fill the emptiness inside him. He stopped Spock, as the Vulcan started to turn, offering his body.


"Not tonight, love. Tonight I need to feel you inside me." Locking eyes with his lover, he grabbed for the lubricant they always kept near.


Spock closed his eyes, his head lolled back, as Jim coated his erection with the lube. Caressing him, while he prepared himself.


"Now," Jim whispered, closing his fingers around the base of the slippery cock, as he started to push himself down onto it.


He gasped, as the tip of his penis entered the tight ring of muscles, reaching for Jim's hips to guide him further down.


Supporting his weight now on knees and hands, Jim impaled himself slowly on the hard cock, till he rested on the groin of his lover. Accepting, welcoming, the first pain. Needing it to feel alive...


He braced himself against Spock's thrusts, pushing down to meet each one. Abandoning himself to the ecstasy of the moment, till the fire consumed them.

* * *

Strong - but gentle - vulcan hands, holding him... The first clear impression after a long time of mindless drifting. He was in Spock's arms. Secure.

"I thought, I lost you," he whispered.


"I am here, t'hy'la."


The soothing touch of gentle hands on his back, the deep voice like a caress. It would be so easy to believe... "Promise me, Spock. Promise me, you'll be here... forever."

There was no answer, so he lifted his head.


"You know I cannot." Spock's voice was a mere whisper.


Jim gazed in dark eyes, filled with sudden sadness. He swallowed, touching Spock's temple with his fingertips. "And if we bond? I know, you want to."


A new light shone in the Vulcan's eyes. "Are you sure, Jim? This is not a matter of my wanting it. You have to be sure, you want this, too."


"I *am* sure." He laid a confidence into his words he didn't really feel. Sealing Spock's lips with a gentle kiss, he snuggled up to him. "I am."


And even if he had known, what the future held in store ... he would have sacrificed everything for this single moment, seeing the love in Spock's eyes.

* * *

Then Spock's pon farr approached, nearly a year too early. Of course Jim knew about the childhood link between Spock and a vulcan woman, to assure that a mate would be available at *the Time*. Similar to the link they already shared. But now he was supposed to take her place in a mating-bond.

So they went to Vulcan, to sever the link with the woman T'Pring and to form a bond between Jim and Spock. T'Pau, Spock's matriarch, declared her readiness to assist them - but she watched the human with clear distrust in her cold eyes.


The shallow link between Spock and T'Pring was severed without any problems. And his beloved turned to him, ready to bond with Kirk. He took Jim's hand, to place it on his temple, reaching for the similar points in the human's face.


But suddenly Jim jerked his head back, fighting against the first, only light mind-touch. He stepped back panic-stricken, shoving Spock's fingers aside.

'This was a mistake... How should he bear another mind in his... all the time?'


His vision blurred, as he went away from Spock - both bodily and mentally, closing himself off the gentle touch. He could see himself, rejecting the man he loved. 'But love was just not enough, to give himself up...'




There was fear in Spock's voice? He couldn't react. Heat poured from the slender body of his beloved. A heat, which would burn him to ash...

He would lose himself in the flames. And what would be left of him?


His throat constricted, as he tried to say the words, to explain - but all he said was: "No."


"No." His voice seemed to resound over the place. Even the eternal whispering of the sand felt silent.


"No," Spock echoed voiceless.


Then the human saw realisation in the Vulcan's face and pain. A sad emptiness, so deep and clear to see, that all Jim wanted to do was to throw himself in the red sands, begging for forgiveness.

But he did nothing. Standing there, he watched the love in Spock's eyes dying.


He recognised the moment, as it started. A cold fire filled the now empty and dark eyes of the Vulcan, his face turned into a mask. Then Spock entered the arena.


"He entered plak tow." Somebody whispered the words behind him. He didn't turn to see who.


He had no really remembrance of the fight, just blurred impressions, as he woke in McCoy's sickbay.

* * *

It took three days till he found the courage to go to Spock.


The Vulcan was in his quarters, kneeling in front of the fire-pot. As he lifted his head, Jim could clearly see the reflection of the flame in his dark, empty eyes. He shivered inside.



"How may I be of service, Captain?" This was not the Spock he knew - this was a cold, controlled Vulcan, speaking to his superior officer.

 Jim flinched.


"I... I want... to beg your forgiveness..." he whispered. He got no answer.

But as he turned to leave, a strong, hot hand grabbed his upper arm.


"Jim... I burnt. I burn. For you... Why did you leave me?"


He heard the naked pleading in the Vulcan's voice, but there was nothing to say. There was no justification. But there was something else he understood, as Spock touched him. Maybe just the remains of their weak link... Maybe just the touch and Spock's brittle control. But he understood.


"The fever is not over," he whispered.


Spock jerked his hand back, retreating to the other half of the room. "No," he said.


Jim swallowed, fighting against the urge to run away. "I... I will be there," he whispered at last. "I can't let you die."


Spock turned, to watch him over the distance. "No! I do not want your... sacrifice." He closed his eyes, regaining control again. "Go... please, Jim. Leave me alone."


The human went to the door. "I'll be there," he said - and left the quarters.

And as he came to him, two days later, Spock accepted the offer.

* * *

Heavy silence filled the near room.


First thing he noticed, was the smell. Then ragged breathing... or crying? He tried to open his eyes, but failed. His whole body hurt, but he managed to move his head. The strangled sounds stopped and a gentle hand touched his cheek. He opened his mouth.


"Do not speak." The Vulcan silenced him. "Dr. McCoy is on his way to attend you. The fever is gone."


There was the fleeting sensation of soft lips, brushing his forehead - and then only darkness.

* * *

Over the following weeks, they tried to rebuild their friendship. Like it had been before their becoming lovers. They both knew, that it would never be the same again, but they tried nevertheless...


So they carried on - a perfect team as Captain and First Officer, maybe even friends. Or maybe they just lied to each other.


With the end of the five-year-mission, they returned to Earth. Jim was promoted to HQ and Spock found a place in Starfleet's science department, till the refit of the Enterprise would be finished. Nobody seemed to be surprised over this - in consideration of their successes it was only logical to give them a second mission.


But there *was* something really amazing... Jim offered Spock to move in to the human's apartment near HQ. And the Vulcan accepted.



* // * // * // * // * // *



He grimaced, as he took a sip of the now cold coffee. Jim put his cup back to the table. That was past!

And he had no time to dwell on it. There was lot of work to attend to, before he was free for the weekend. He planned to go on a two-day sailing trip, accompanied by Lori Ciani...

* * *

It was Sunday night, as he returned to their shared penthouse. He left his luggage on the floor and went into the living room, to throw his tired body in the next easy chair. Boy, was he beaten. But the weekend had really been fun...

He smiled to himself.

There was a movement in the door and he lifted his head to greet the Vulcan.

"Hello, Spock. There is something I want to tell you. On the sailing trip, Lori and I decided..." He never finished the sentence - Spock was already gone.


Confusion shone in hazel eyes, as the human got to his feet. Did he miss something? But he decided to postpone this. First he needed a shower.

Stepping out of the shower stall, water dripping from his hair, he remembered suddenly. Damn - he forgot the camping trip they had planned weeks ago for this weekend. Putting on some fresh clothes, he swore quietly to himself.


Finding Spock was an easy task - the Vulcan buried himself in his work, as usual. The temperature in the room was higher than expected, a sign he knew how to read...


"I'm really sorry I forgot our camping trip. Don't be mad, Spock. I'll make up for it. Look, we can always go next weekend."


Spock lifted his eyes from the terminal. "You spent the weekend with Admiral Ciani?" he asked voiceless.


Jim smiled. "Yes, Lori and I went sailing."

He settled himself on the edge of the desk, the earlier tension forgotten. "There is some news - regarding Lori and myself. We decided to 'make it official' and get married. I think, I've found somebody to get old with, to quote an terran saying..." He stopped suddenly, noticing the cold mask on Spock's face. He felt the blush spreading over his cheeks. "Uh, sorry Spock. I didn't intend to blurt it out like this."


"Why?" Dark, empty eyes met his - as they had on Vulcan. "You did nothing wrong." Spock returned his gaze to the terminal. "You will you excuse me now, Jim. I have work to attend to."


Kirk hesitated, then nodded. He stopped in front of the door. "I am sorry," he said.


Two days later Spock was gone.


to be continued...



I was tempted to end it like this.

But in the end, I couldn't.

So you'll have to wait for the sequel... ;-)

CU Lady Charena



Continued in                           Longing