2005 Golden Orgasm Award: Second Place Best Other Fest Story

Aftereffects

Acidqueen <a.q @ gmx.de>

Series: TOS
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Summary: After "The Enemy within", Kirk and McCoy have to clear up some things.
Author's Note: Written for the KirkMcCoyFest. Inspired by the challenge "One of them gets raped during a mission."
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek, I own my brain. No infringement is intended, and no money is being made.
Archive: The KMF, my own website at http://www.syredronning.de , ASCEM, all others ask, please.
Acknowledgement: Thanks to Farfalla for beta'ing! All remaining errors are mine.

*

Some days were best forgotten, Kirk decided as he set the privacy lock and threw himself on the bunk. It groaned beneath him, but he ignored it and challenged it further by removing his boots somewhere mid-air, feeling like a stranded bug. Finally his struggle ended with his boots on the floor and him still on the bunk. He relaxed, taking a deep breath.

Why did he feel the need to do something completely out of his usual habits? Did he want to prove himself that his range was broader than just two struggling halves of good and bad, or did one of those split and refused halves push him in a certain direction?

He listened inside, but didn't feel...well, abnormal. It wasn't his inside that was out of sync - it was his conscience. And for good reasons. He had assaulted Rand; he had assaulted McCoy; there was an aftermath to be expected for that.

'Not you did, Jim - only one part of you', McCoy's and Spock's rational voices seemed to cling in his ears, united to an unusually harmonic choir.

So only one half of him had to feel guilty about it? Didn't quite work like that, my friends, Kirk thought.

The door bell chimed, once, twice. He stared at the closed door, pondering who it might be. He'd given Rand two days off, and Spock was instructed to call him only in case of emergencies like instant doom of the universe. There was only one person who would call at this late time and who he hadn't instructed so far -

The door opened to reveal McCoy and, in contrast to his usual reaction at the sight of his friend, Kirk didn't feel like smiling tonight.

"You're abusing your medical override, Doctor," he said.

"You can make an entry in my personal file, if you want to," McCoy said, and locked the door behind him.

"Besides, I'm here for medical reasons." He swung a bottle and two glasses in his hands.

Kirk groaned. "Did you have to bring really *that* bottle, Bones? I don't want to see it ever again."

McCoy put the ensemble on Kirk's table. "You know what they say - if you fell hard out of the tree, climb up again as soon as you can," he said through the room divider. Kirk watched his outline in the dim light as sure hands filled the glasses.

"If anyone's going to get any entries today, it's me," Kirk finally said. "A long list of things that will kick me right out of my chair."

"Nobody's going to bring up any charges, Jim." McCoy returned with the filled glasses and sat down at the lower end of the bed.

Kirk remained stretched out, unwilling to drop the theme like that. "But you should. And Rand."

McCoy carefully placed the drinks on the nearby nightstand. "Rand knows that the real, complete Kirk would never have done that. Going into space will always remain risky, but she's proven today that she can fight on her own."

"Oh, yes," Kirk agreed, and fingered the place where the deep scratches had been. Of course, there was nothing on this...his face. But the memory stayed, and would probably do so for a while.

He fully met McCoy's gaze. "But you, Bones. You didn't fight...him. Why didn't you? You're neither a weakling nor a coward. You just gave in when he...I...forced that blowjob on you in sickbay. It was almost...rape."

"Now, come on, Jim," McCoy said, turning toward him and placing one leg up on the bed in a comfortable position. "It's like you said - I could've fought you, if I had wanted to. I'm not such an easy target."

"But then, why didn't you fight it, Bones?" Kirk self-consciously avoided McCoy's gaze."  I mean, at that time you knew that this half was dangerous and...would play rough."

From the corner of his eye he saw McCoy avoiding his gaze too, staring at the bed for a second. "Well," McCoy said, and cleared his throat. "I could tell you a handy lie now that I didn't want to endanger your bad half, because it meant endangering all of you." McCoy shed him a glance, a small, caustic smile on his lips. "Would make me a pretty heroic man, sacrificing my honor for his captain."

Kirk stared at him. "But the truth is?" Only the continuous humming of the Enterprise filled the void for a moment, before McCoy took a deep breath.

"I'm not that immune to...testosterone fumes."

Kirk's jaw dropped - then he broke into a grin. "Damn, Bones, I didn't think I would see you ever blushing over something!" He quickly sat up, closing his hands over McCoy's shoulders. "Are you telling me that...it turned you on?" he added more soberly. "I sometimes had the feeling I was bossing you around. But you never complained."

McCoy shrugged. "I was never really the one who started things in relationships, Jim. Not with women, and certainly not with you. I guess I need to feel that the other one really wants me...and if that choosing is a bit vehemently, it's probably all the better.

"But that doesn't mean that you've got to manhandle me all the time," he added, and shed a disapproving glance to the hands that dug into his shoulder muscles.

Kirk let loose instantly. "Of course not, Bones." He sagged back and shook his head. "I know that I'm...uhm...quite masculine sometimes."

McCoy coughed and grinned.

"It really turned you on?" Kirk asked, searching his friend's face.

McCoy nodded, his face still unusually red. "An alpha male can be quite persuasive. It's a weird situation  - so often, I've got to stay clear in my mind for my own judgment and decisions, even if it means criticizing you. Or, in some other moments, I feel more like your advisor, nudging you along your own train of thoughts to find the best solution.

"But sometimes, you're just THE CAPTAIN, in very big letters, and whatever you decide, I'd come along. In a way it works all on the subconscious level. You are the top dog, Jim. And that other half...well, he was the uber top dog. The one where your little animal stem brain shudders and buckles, pulling all of the higher functions into the passive stance.

"I would've fought him if I had feared for my life ...but I didn't. In a way, it was still you. And I trust you with my life, Jim. I don't do that with many a folks."

McCoy fell in silence. Kirk reached out, enfolding his hands.

"Bones..."

McCoy briefly squeezed Kirk's hands, then pulled away. "Time for the drinks, Jim." He took the glasses, giving one to Kirk. They were small, but it was the right size for the potent liquid that, like usual, almost brought tears in Kirk's eyes. McCoy, on the other hand, seemed as usually totally unruffled by its effects. Sometimes Kirk wondered if there was a secret medicine to be taken before, not after the drink.

"Another one?" McCoy asked when the drinks were empty.

"No, thanks," Kirk said, his voice still unsteady, his hands clamped around the glass. "One of them is surely enough to knock me out."

"Then I think you should take a break, Jim. Doctor's orders." McCoy took the glasses and was about to stand up when Kirk held him back.

"Thanks for coming, Bones. From both halves of me." His hand loosely lay on McCoy's upper arm.

McCoy bent forward and kissed Kirk softly. Then he stood up. "You're one whole man, Jim. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Especially not some hobby psychologists in the HQ who'll read your report."

Kirk fully reclined on the bed. "Doctor's order?"

"Definitely. I know that bunch." McCoy briefly disappeared around the corner, fetching the bottle. Seconds later he unlocked the door. "Good night, Jim. See you tomorrow," he said with one of those special smiles solely reserved for Kirk, and left.

"Same to you, Bones," Kirk said, quickly falling asleep with the taste of brandy in his mouth and the lingering taste of McCoy on his lips..

***

Sequel: The Hunt