Plato's Stepchildren's Grandparents

Lyrastar < lyrastarwatcher @ <



Series: TOS

Pairing: K/Mc

Rating: R, humor

Warning: Tiptoes up to the line of actor fic in one part.  I hope it's not over it, but...

Contact: Lyrastarwatcher at yahoo dot com or

Disclaimer: You didn't really think this was an official Paramount script, did you?

Summary: For the Kirk/McCoy Fest at   and based on the challenge Kirk and McCoy meet another TV couple who are in bed together and allow their own feelings to be revealed.









SCENE:   1960. A field outside a farmhouse, all in Black and White.




KIRK:  Where are we?


SPOCK: [adjusting tricorderlike device]  1960.


MCCOY:  Spock!  You missed?


SPOCK:  There is a measure of method refining necessary to any experimental endeavor.  I am working with an alien device, which I have had less than two hours to study, yet I have successfully transported us across more than 900 years to within a 2% margin of error of our goal.  I would hardly classify that as a failure.

MCCOY: Oh, cut the double-talk.  Call a rim shot what you will, it's still a miss.


JEFF: [off screen, distant]  Lassie!  Lassie, come here girl!  Lassie!


KIRK:  Knock it off, you two.  Spock, get us out of here!


SPOCK:  Impossible for 138 seconds.  The device must be allowed to recalibrate and reset.


[Collie comes running from off screen]


JEFF: [ off screen, louder] Lassie!


KIRK:  Then we'll need to find some cover before we're spotted.


SPOCK:  Unnecessary.  The temporal phase shift is still sufficient to prevent us from being seen or heard.


JEFF: [running to meet the Collie] Oh Lassie, I've missed you so much!


MCCOY:  Looks like Lassie has some Laddie parts under there.

SPOCK:  All of the dogs that played the role of Lassie were male.


KIRK:  I knew a "Lassie" like that once.  Scotty introduced me to her in Bangkok.  I still haven't decided whether to kill him or promote him for it.


MCCOY:  Interesting?


KIRK:  That's not half the word.  It was thoroughly frustrating. Whatever we did, there were body parts left underutilized.  I always felt that I was missing out on something that might be better than what we were already doing .


MCCOY:  So little time, so many possibilities.


KIRK:   I like variety; so sue me.


MCCOY: You're telling me.  I would've thought our weekend on Wrigley's would have been enough fun for twenty men.


KIRK: Twenty?  I lost count somewhere around midnight, but twenty sounds about right--if you mean just the men.


MCCOY: Oh brother.  In all my years of practice, I've never seen a man wear his thing out, but blazes Jim, you may be a medical first!


JEFF:  [ hugging dog] Come on girl, let's go home.


KIRK:  I thought you liked my adventurous streak.  You said I brought out the wild man inside of you--Plum.


MCCOY:    I never should have told you that. 


KIRK:  Don't worry; your secrets are safe with me.  Even the one about your little "special" spot.


[dog barks]


SPOCK:  Ten seconds to transport.  Silence would be much appreciated while I fine-tune the settings.


MCCOY: [whispered to KIRK]  I don't think Spock's a doggie person.


SPOCK:  ...and, now!





[whine and shimmer and setting changes to fenced in technicolor astroturf outside a two-story house]


KIRK: Color--we must be closer.  Where are we?


SPOCK: 1972


MCCOY:  Ha! Overshoot!


[woman shrieks from inside]


KIRK: She's in trouble!  Let's go!  [pushes in door and rushes upstairs to a dim bedroom]


CAROL:  [in bed with MIKE]  Aaaaaaa...!   Oh Mike, I've never been so full!


MCCOY:  Huh, I should be in that kind of trouble.


KIRK:  Are they...?  Bones, I thought he was....


MCCOY:  Oh please, Jim.  You of all people should know better than to be so narrow minded.  The equipment still works no matter where you put it.


MIKE:  Oh, Mrs. Brady, you're a baaaad girl!  A very baaaad girl!


KIRK:  [walking closer to bed] Hey, Bones--do you think we could do that?


CAROL:  Oh, Mr. Brady, teach me, sir!  Teach me please!


MCCOY:  Not unless you loose some of that gut.


KIRK:  [sucking in stomach] I was thinking with you...down there--on the bottom.


MCCOY:  [studying CAROL and MIKE] Oh, well, in that case...maybe.  Sure, I guess it could work if you held my knees with your elbows.


CAROL:  Oh, Mr. Brady, deeper, harder sir!  I've been soooo baaaad.  Oooooh....


MIKE:  [shuffling noise, sucking and slapping]  Oooooooo....


MCCOY:  [Fondling KIRK's package] Don't you remember when we used to try new stuff like that?  Man, they're making me hot.  [They kiss, MCCOY's hand works on KIRK's front the whole time]

SPOCK:  Gentlemen, 43 seconds to temporal transport.


MCCOY:  [into KIRK's neck] That's just about enough time for you.  [Moving out of SPOCK's line of sight MCCOY unseals KIRK's pants]


KIRK:  Don't be such as smart-ass.

MCCOY: [Arranging his hands appropriately for that remark] What kind of ass would you like, Captain, sir?


CAROL: [bedsprings squeak] Oh yes!  Make me feel it!  More, more, more....  Oh, yes sir, you and only you! Ohhhh...


KIRK: [hushed] Oh Bones, that feels so good.


MCCOY:  [into KIRK's neck] Oh yeah.   Faster, please, faster!


SPOCK:  Ten seconds to temporal transport. I suggest you disengage yourselves for the process.


MCCOY:  [sealing clothing] Easy for you to say you green-blooded Vulcan!  Every seven years, my god, a century plant has a better sex life than you do!  Why you wouldn't--


[Whine and shimmer.  Scene changes to a darkened room]

KIRK: Where are we?


SPOCK: [pause] 1957.

MCCOY:  That's farther back than we were the first time!


SPOCK:  I was...distracted.


MCCOY:  You had no business being distracted; you weren't supposed to be watching!


SPOCK: Says who?


MCCOY: [taken aback] Well I...


KIRK: Spock, Bones.  I can't see.  What's going on?


RICKY:  Oi!  Aiiyaayii.  Lucy, tu mujer apasionado! Démelo!  Aiiiyaaayiiii...!


MCCOY:  Sounds to me like they're making Little Ricky.   Sounds like fun.


KIRK:  No, it can't be.  They had single beds.


LUCY:  Oh, Ricky, you make me feel like a real woman!


MCCOY:  Well where did you think the kid came from?  No eBay yet.  Come here Jim; is that you?  'Make me feel like a real man.'


SPOCK:  No, Doctor, it is I , not Jim who you are fondling, and your theory is incorrect as well.  Little Ricky was born January 1953--significantly earlier.  128 seconds to next transport.


MCCOY:  It was a joke, Spock.  


SPOCK: Ah.  Perhaps I failed to recognize it as such due to the flagrant absence of any humorous content.


MCCOY: No it was funny; you're not.  Jim, hold still.


KIRK:   I can see a little. 


MCCOY:  Then I have something for you to take a look at.


SPOCK: 103 seconds, Captain.


[moaning and groaning from the bed]


KIRK:  Give me a break, Spock.  How often do I get this kind of a show up close and personal? [walking around bed, craning his neck to watch]  Was she a natural red-head?  I can't tell with this black and white.


MCCOY:  [joining KIRK, arm around his waist, and lower] I don't know, but she sure is hot!   And look there; I didn't know it was true what they said about Cuban men.


SPOCK:  I did.


MCCOY:   Now that was funny!


SPOCK:  It was not a joke.


MCCOY:  You sure get your money's worth during that seven-year thing, don't you?


[LUCY moans louder and lifts her ass]


KIRK:   Oh, yeah, we could definitely do that!


MCCOY:  [lying down on the other bed]  Come on,  Jim.  Let's give it a go.  It's not like they can see.


KIRK: Spock can. [sitting down anyway next to MCCOY's hip, hand reaching into MCCOY's pants]


MCCOY:  What do you care?  We had to watch him and T'Wench do the Horizontal Hoochie at his wedding. And don't try to tell me you don't want to.  "Jimmy Junior" there is saying different. [squeezes "JUNIOR"]

SPOCK:  The physiological sequelae of biology are hardly to be compared with rampant lustful urges.


MCCOY:  Shows what you know.  Spock, sometimes I can't even credit that you're half-human. Are you sure you weren't switched at birth?  Oh Jim...Oh...  No wait, let me move the pillow down some more. Bend your left knee more--like she is.  Oh, yeah, that's it!


SPOCK:  I've been told that I have my mother's cheekbones as well as her sense of humor.  Ten seconds to temporal transport.

MCCOY: And your father's rotten sense of timing, I'll bet.  Just wait until your next physical.  I'll be trying to check your tonsils by way of your ass.  Oh, damnit Jim, I'm right there!  Oh....!






[whine and shimmer and scene changes to a sunlit barn.  MCCOY and KIRK sitting on a pile of hay, SPOCK standing by a stall]


KIRK:  Now where are we?


MCCOY:  Here!  Come on Jim, just one more minute while all that's fresh in my brain.  Oh man, what a show!  I am hot enough to blow a load right now


SPOCK: 1965--only three years off.


MCCOY:  Please tell me we've hit on Charlie's Angels. [to KIRK] Of course, I'm sure you'd want to be Jill, but still, the possibilities!  Come on in here, ladies, and put some ideas in my head. 


[voice off screen]  Wilber? Is that you?


KIRK: Spock!  Get us out of here--right now!


MCCOY:  Oh! I've heard of being hung like a horse, but...

SPOCK: Sixty-one seconds.


MCCOY: You grew up with horses, didn't you?   Tell me, is it as big as they say?  Big, hot, and heavy and packed full of meat?


KIRK: Spock, now!


MCCOY: [doing something in the hay]  Whinnnny!   Come on Jim, don't you want to ride my horsie?  [singing] A horse is a horse, of course of course.  And no one can talk to a horse, of course--


SPOCK:  Captain, I assure that my interest in expediency exceeds yours by far.


MCCOY:  Whinny!  Oh, Jim, don't be such a spoilsport.  Come talk to my horsie.  He's a nice horsie.  See how soft.  Talk to the horsie,  Jim.  Come on, just a few little nibbles....


KIRK:  Spock!


SPOCK:  Ten seconds.


MCCOY:  Come on Jim, my horsie wants to talk to you.  See how much he wants to talk to you?  He's foaming at the mouth just to talk to you...

KIRK: Spock...!







[whine and shimmer scene changes]


VOICE:  Space, the final frontier.  These are the voyages--




SPOCK: Whinny! [rears up and paws the air]


PARMEN:  Really doctor, how can you let this go on?




[ALEXANDER rolls off of SPOCK's back]


DIRECTOR: I don't know--I don't like it.


WRITER:  Problem?

DIRECTOR:  It isn't continuous with the next scene.  I want SPOCK left crying at the end of this, not--horsing around.


KELLEY:  Why don't you let KIRK play the pony?  I hear he's rather fond of horses, eh Bill? 






September, 2004



132. Kirk and McCoy meet another tv couple who are in bed together and allow their own feelings to be revealed.