Plato's Stepchildren's Grandparents
Lyrastar < lyrastarwatcher @ yahoo.com <
Rating: R, humor
Warning: Tiptoes up to the line of actor fic in one
part. I hope it's not over it, but...
Contact: Lyrastarwatcher at yahoo dot com or
www.geocities.com/lyrastarwatcher
Disclaimer: You didn't really think this was an
official Paramount script, did you?
Summary: For the Kirk/McCoy Fest at
http://tostwins.slashcity.net/KMF.htm
and based on the challenge Kirk and McCoy meet another TV couple who are
in bed together and allow their own feelings to be revealed.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN'S
GRANDPARENTS
SCENE: 1960. A field outside a
farmhouse, all in Black and White.
KIRK: Where are we?
SPOCK: [adjusting tricorderlike device] 1960.
MCCOY: Spock! You missed?
SPOCK: There is a measure of
method refining necessary to any experimental endeavor. I am working with an alien device, which I
have had less than two hours to study, yet I have successfully transported us
across more than 900 years to within a 2% margin of error of our goal. I would hardly classify that as a failure.
MCCOY: Oh, cut the double-talk. Call a
rim shot what you will, it's still a miss.
JEFF: [off screen, distant]
Lassie! Lassie, come here
girl! Lassie!
KIRK: Knock it off, you
two. Spock, get us out of here!
SPOCK: Impossible for 138
seconds. The device must be allowed to
recalibrate and reset.
[Collie comes running from off screen]
JEFF: [ off screen, louder] Lassie!
KIRK: Then we'll need to find
some cover before we're spotted.
SPOCK: Unnecessary. The temporal phase shift is still sufficient
to prevent us from being seen or heard.
JEFF: [running to meet the Collie] Oh Lassie, I've missed you so much!
MCCOY: Looks like Lassie has
some Laddie parts under there.
SPOCK: All of the dogs that played the
role of Lassie were male.
KIRK: I knew a
"Lassie" like that once.
Scotty introduced me to her in Bangkok.
I still haven't decided whether to kill him or promote him for it.
MCCOY: Interesting?
KIRK: That's not half the
word. It was thoroughly frustrating.
Whatever we did, there were body parts left underutilized. I always felt that I was missing out on
something that might be better than what we were already doing .
MCCOY: So little time, so many
possibilities.
KIRK: I like variety; so sue
me.
MCCOY: You're telling me. I would've
thought our weekend on Wrigley's would have been enough fun for twenty men.
KIRK: Twenty? I lost count
somewhere around midnight, but twenty sounds about right--if you mean just the
men.
MCCOY: Oh brother. In all my
years of practice, I've never seen a man wear his thing out, but blazes Jim,
you may be a medical first!
JEFF: [ hugging dog] Come on
girl, let's go home.
KIRK: I thought you liked my
adventurous streak. You said I brought
out the wild man inside of you--Plum.
MCCOY: I never should have
told you that.
KIRK: Don't worry; your secrets
are safe with me. Even the one about
your little "special" spot.
[dog barks]
SPOCK: Ten seconds to
transport. Silence would be much
appreciated while I fine-tune the settings.
MCCOY: [whispered to KIRK] I
don't think Spock's a doggie person.
SPOCK: ...and, now!
[whine and shimmer and setting changes to fenced in technicolor
astroturf outside a two-story house]
KIRK: Color--we must be closer.
Where are we?
SPOCK: 1972
MCCOY: Ha! Overshoot!
[woman shrieks from inside]
KIRK: She's in trouble! Let's
go! [pushes in door and rushes upstairs
to a dim bedroom]
CAROL: [in bed with MIKE] Aaaaaaa...! Oh Mike, I've never been so full!
MCCOY: Huh, I should be in that
kind of trouble.
KIRK: Are they...? Bones, I thought he was....
MCCOY: Oh please, Jim. You of all people should know better than to
be so narrow minded. The equipment
still works no matter where you put it.
MIKE: Oh, Mrs. Brady, you're a
baaaad girl! A very baaaad girl!
KIRK: [walking closer to bed]
Hey, Bones--do you think we could do that?
CAROL: Oh, Mr. Brady, teach me,
sir! Teach me please!
MCCOY: Not unless you loose
some of that gut.
KIRK: [sucking in stomach] I
was thinking with you...down there--on the bottom.
MCCOY: [studying CAROL and
MIKE] Oh, well, in that case...maybe.
Sure, I guess it could work if you held my knees with your elbows.
CAROL: Oh, Mr. Brady, deeper,
harder sir! I've been soooo
baaaad. Oooooh....
MIKE: [shuffling noise, sucking
and slapping] Oooooooo....
MCCOY: [Fondling KIRK's
package] Don't you remember when we used to try new stuff like that? Man, they're making me hot. [They kiss, MCCOY's hand works on KIRK's
front the whole time]
SPOCK: Gentlemen, 43 seconds to
temporal transport.
MCCOY:
[into KIRK's neck] That's just about enough time for you. [Moving out of SPOCK's line of sight MCCOY
unseals KIRK's pants]
KIRK:
Don't be such as smart-ass.
MCCOY: [Arranging his hands appropriately for that remark] What kind of ass
would you like, Captain, sir?
CAROL: [bedsprings squeak] Oh yes! Make me feel it! More, more, more.... Oh,
yes sir, you and only you! Ohhhh...
KIRK: [hushed] Oh Bones, that feels so good.
MCCOY:
[into KIRK's neck] Oh yeah.
Faster, please, faster!
SPOCK:
Ten seconds to temporal transport. I suggest you disengage yourselves
for the process.
MCCOY:
[sealing clothing] Easy for you to say you green-blooded Vulcan! Every seven years, my god, a century plant
has a better sex life than you do! Why
you wouldn't--
[Whine and shimmer. Scene changes to a darkened room]
KIRK: Where are we?
SPOCK: [pause] 1957.
MCCOY: That's farther back than we were
the first time!
SPOCK:
I was...distracted.
MCCOY:
You had no business being distracted; you weren't supposed to be
watching!
SPOCK: Says who?
MCCOY: [taken aback] Well I...
KIRK: Spock, Bones. I can't see.
What's going on?
RICKY:
Oi! Aiiyaayii. Lucy, tu mujer apasionado! Démelo! Aiiiyaaayiiii...!
MCCOY:
Sounds to me like they're making Little Ricky. Sounds like fun.
KIRK:
No, it can't be. They had single
beds.
LUCY:
Oh, Ricky, you make me feel like a real woman!
MCCOY:
Well where did you think the kid came from? No eBay yet. Come here
Jim; is that you? 'Make me feel like a
real man.'
SPOCK:
No, Doctor, it is I , not Jim who you are fondling, and your theory is
incorrect as well. Little Ricky was
born January 1953--significantly earlier.
128 seconds to next transport.
MCCOY:
It was a joke, Spock.
SPOCK: Ah.
Perhaps I failed to recognize it as such due to the flagrant absence of
any humorous content.
MCCOY: No it was funny; you're not. Jim, hold still.
KIRK:
I can see a little.
MCCOY:
Then I have something for you to take a look at.
SPOCK: 103 seconds, Captain.
[moaning and groaning from the bed]
KIRK:
Give me a break, Spock. How
often do I get this kind of a show up close and personal? [walking around bed,
craning his neck to watch] Was she a
natural red-head? I can't tell with
this black and white.
MCCOY:
[joining KIRK, arm around his waist, and lower] I don't know, but she
sure is hot! And look there; I didn't
know it was true what they said about Cuban men.
SPOCK:
I did.
MCCOY:
Now that was funny!
SPOCK:
It was not a joke.
MCCOY:
You sure get your money's worth during that seven-year thing, don't you?
[LUCY moans louder and lifts her ass]
KIRK:
Oh, yeah, we could definitely do that!
MCCOY:
[lying down on the other bed]
Come on, Jim. Let's give it a go. It's not like they can see.
KIRK: Spock can. [sitting down anyway next to
MCCOY's hip, hand reaching into MCCOY's pants]
MCCOY:
What do you care? We had to
watch him and T'Wench do the Horizontal Hoochie at his wedding. And don't try
to tell me you don't want to.
"Jimmy Junior" there is saying different. [squeezes
"JUNIOR"]
SPOCK: The physiological sequelae of
biology are hardly to be compared with rampant lustful urges.
MCCOY:
Shows what you know. Spock,
sometimes I can't even credit that you're half-human. Are you sure you weren't
switched at birth? Oh Jim...Oh... No wait, let me move the pillow down some
more. Bend your left knee more--like she is.
Oh, yeah, that's it!
SPOCK:
I've been told that I have my mother's cheekbones as well as her sense
of humor. Ten seconds to temporal
transport.
MCCOY: And your father's rotten sense of timing, I'll bet. Just wait until your next physical. I'll be trying to check your tonsils by way
of your ass. Oh, damnit Jim, I'm right
there! Oh....!
[whine and shimmer and scene changes to a
sunlit barn. MCCOY and KIRK sitting on
a pile of hay, SPOCK standing by a stall]
KIRK:
Now where are we?
MCCOY:
Here! Come on Jim, just one more
minute while all that's fresh in my brain.
Oh man, what a show! I am hot
enough to blow a load right now
SPOCK: 1965--only three years off.
MCCOY:
Please tell me we've hit on Charlie's Angels. [to KIRK] Of course, I'm
sure you'd want to be Jill, but still, the possibilities! Come on in here, ladies, and put some ideas
in my head.
[voice off screen] Wilber? Is that you?
KIRK: Spock!
Get us out of here--right now!
MCCOY:
Oh! I've heard of being hung like a horse, but...
SPOCK: Sixty-one seconds.
MCCOY: You grew up with horses, didn't
you? Tell me, is it as big as they
say? Big, hot, and heavy and packed
full of meat?
KIRK: Spock, now!
MCCOY: [doing something in the hay] Whinnnny!
Come on Jim, don't you want to ride my horsie? [singing] A horse is a horse, of course of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course--
SPOCK:
Captain, I assure that my interest in expediency exceeds yours by far.
MCCOY:
Whinny! Oh, Jim, don't be such a
spoilsport. Come talk to my horsie. He's a nice horsie. See how soft. Talk to the
horsie, Jim. Come on, just a few little nibbles....
KIRK: Spock!
SPOCK: Ten seconds.
MCCOY:
Come on Jim, my horsie wants to talk to you. See how much he wants to talk to you? He's foaming at the mouth just to talk to you...
KIRK: Spock...!
SPOCK: ...three...two...one.
[whine and shimmer scene changes]
VOICE:
Space, the final frontier. These
are the voyages--
SPOCK: Whinny! [rears up and paws the air]
PARMEN:
Really doctor, how can you let this go on?
DIRECTOR: Cut!
[ALEXANDER rolls off of SPOCK's back]
DIRECTOR: I don't know--I don't like it.
WRITER:
Problem?
DIRECTOR: It isn't continuous with the
next scene. I want SPOCK left crying at
the end of this, not--horsing around.
KELLEY:
Why don't you let KIRK play the pony?
I hear he's rather fond of horses, eh Bill?
~Lyra
September, 2004
132. Kirk and McCoy meet another tv
couple who are in bed together and allow their own feelings to be revealed.