Title: I Lay In Darkness

Author: Lady Charena

Series: TOS

Rating: R

Codes: K/S, A/R, non-con

Feedback: Yes, please. <LadyCharena@aol.com>

Summary: Omicron Ceti III - while influenced by the spores, Spock betrayed his mate. After his return to the Enterprise, things go really bad.

Note: This is a "what would have been, if...?"-story. Some weeks ago I re-watched the TOS-episode "This side of paradise" and started to think about those spores. What if they hadn't lead to harmony and happiness - but to hatred and hurt?

This story contains rape - no detailed description.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns all Star Trek. I borrowed just a part of it to play. The story is mine - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.

I love my two Boys and I love them most when they're together. So if you're underage or offended by the idea of m/m-relations and -sex, please move on to a more suitable story.

Please be patient with any errors, English is not my native language. My deepest gratitude to my dear beta T'Boy for correcting my many mistakes.

I Lay In Darkness

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

by Lady Charena Aug. 2000

I never thought you could be like this. For so long we were colleagues, friends, mates. I have trusted you with my very life. And with all my love.

Now that is gone forever. I cannot forget, as hard as I try.

I know you acted beyond your control. Were driven by a force too great to resist. I had felt the same - earlier, on the surface of the planet. When I betrayed you.

I thought we would be able to handle it.

But for the first time in my life, knowledge does not help now.

I saw the pain in your eyes, the way you tried to conceal it, while the others were with us. I saw your hands tremble, clench into fists, hide behind your back.

So I did not expect a warm hello, a hug and a kiss, when I came to you later. I knew you would be hurt, and angry with me.

But I did not actually expect what happened after my arrival.

Your eyes were completely dark, the white bloodshot.

You moved smoothly out of the shadows like a predator after prey. And I could not stop my involuntary step backwards, a half-hearted attempt to escape - without knowing why, or to where.

Then you smiled and I felt myself relax. Surely it was only a side effect from the strain of the day that made me feel this way.

'We love each other, we are mates and there is nothing to fear,' I told myself. 'We will discuss what happened, and you will be able to forgive me.'

So I believed...

Your touch was gentle, caressing at first.

It was so good. I had never felt this way - not with anyone - before you came into my life.

Your fingers stroked my cheek, my ear. You kissed me lightly, my lips, my throat, playful. And I was not able to suppress the soft moan that escaped me. Once we were lovers, you learned fast enough where to touch me to provoke the most response. You know how to play me well, until I am merely a trembling bundle of flesh under your expert hands.

This time was no exception.

I tried to dislodge your hands from around my waist, to talk with you first about the events down on the planet.

But you smiled, whispering "later" in my ear, and pushed me gently in the direction of your bed. I was only too willing to follow your lead.

* * *

And only when I lay on the smooth, cool sheets, did I see it.

One of the evil flowers from the planet's surface, lying near the bed on the floor.

I bolted upright.

"What...?"

My throat constricted when I saw the look on your face. All the tenderness, the gentle love, had vanished. I flinched, seeing hatred in your eyes, dark, cold - and alien now.

Then I saw the vial in your hand, filled with a white powder I have learned to fear.

Spores.

"I do not understand, Jim. You must know that they are extremely dangerous."

You laughed - but it was not a pleasant sound. And I shivered.

"Dangerous?" Your voice mocked me. "No, I don't think so... you liar."

My stomach twisted as you said this.

"I have never lied to you..." was the only response I could manage.

You knelt on the bed, only a small distance from me.

And now I could see it clearly - you were infected with the spores. 'Deliberate? Or by accident?'

I was aware the Chief of xenobiology had taken some specimens to the laboratory to analyse for our databanks. But surely he had handled them with the utmost care...

No, you must have taken one of them away secretly, or smuggled one from the planet, as we assisted the settlers.

Or perhaps they had infected you the whole time. Were never gone, as you claimed. You refused to be examined. But then, you are never fond of being at the mercy of doctors.

I lost my train of thought as you grabbed my wrist.

"So," you said. "You've never lied to me? I'm not *that* sure about it anymore. I think you lied to me every time you said 'I love you'."

Your accusation rang in my ears.

"Never."

My answer was a mere breath in the silent darkness around us.

"I do love you."

I could not think of anything else to say. My brain whirled in the turmoil of emotion - both my own and what I sensed of yours.

"I don't think so."

The vial in your fist crushed with a dry sound.

And then you opened your fingers, to blow the white dust in the air. For a moment it hung suspended, like a little cloud, before it came down again - onto us.

I choked, a bitter burning I remembered vividly from the first time, filling my throat. Then I felt the spores running through my veins, crushing down my mental defences...

I stared at your hand, covered with tiny cuts from the broken glass, and the blood dripping from your fingers. You wiped it clean on your shirt.

"We'll see, you traitor. Leaving me here alone with nothing to do but worry about you - and you down on the planet too busy to care about me. Too busy fucking her."

"But I..." I tried to explain, to say something to make you understand. You did not bother to listen...

* * *

One hand on my chest pressed me back onto the bed. Straddling me, you brought your lips to mine, kissing me hard.

As I tried to turn my head to the side, your hand slipped from my chest to my chin, holding me immobile.

"You're mine. You promised to be mine forever."

Your teeth cut my lower lip, drawing blood to the surface.

"And only mine."

Your words were slightly slurred - like you were drunk. This was madness...

Your hands then were busy tearing the collar of my shirt; with a dry snap it ripped at last, and you sunk your teeth into the soft bare flesh of my neck.

I tried to struggle then, to twist out of your hold. But I could not.

The spores - singing through my blood - dazzled my mind on their way through my body. I felt so tired. So weak.

And maybe I thought I deserved it for my betrayal. Maybe...

* * *

Somehow I lost track of time - because the next I knew were your hands, turning me onto my stomach. My torn shirt was up to my armpits, exposing my naked skin. Your fingers on my fly, opening the pants, pushing it down over my knees.

The only sound was your hard breathing over me.

Again I tried to struggle, to fight you. But I could not. It was like moving in slow motion or under water. My limbs seemed far too heavy to move. And the insanity of the whole situation blew away every conscious thought in my mind. I felt stunned.

Then you touched me again. And I knew.

'No!'... I wanted to scream it, but no sound got through my tight throat to spill over my dry lips.

"Mine," you whispered, as you took me, pouring all your anger and hatred into me...

* * *

Even after it was over, it was difficult to breathe for a long time. The physical pain was minor, soreness from the lack of lubricant, but no real damage.

I lay at your side, listening to your steady breath.

You fell asleep right after your orgasm.

I felt it, the tremors, heard your moaning, as you shot your seed deep into me. The hard thrusting ceased and your cock slipped from my body. Like your mind did from mine.

I lay in darkness, and listened to you. I wished I could weep.

* * *

It was somewhere near morning, when I discovered I could move again. The numbing pain in my heart won over the influence of the spores and I felt them slowly vanish from my system.

My limbs felt stiff and cramped, my mouth slightly swollen, where your teeth had cut the tender skin. My anus was sore from your dry entry and perversely I thought of the first time we made love. The pain afterwards was the same, despite using lube and love and care.

But I had not felt used then like I do now. The first time you laughed happily inside my mind, hugged me tight to your sweet, cool body and whispered in my ear. Poured all your love, your dreams, to soothe away the last tremors from my slowly relaxing body. After a while your strokes grew less comforting and more sensual. Your mouth travelled from my neck to my chest, played lazily with my nipples until I could not stand it anymore. Your tongue flickered over my belly, still further down, between my legs... As your mouth swallowed my sex, I felt I was drowning. Then you drove me to unknown heights of ecstasy.

Now all I can feel is cold and shame and the stinging pain in my heart.

* * *

Today I accidentally met Leila in the mess. I was not hungry. Even thinking of food made me sick. But I knew, one more day hiding in my quarters and Dr. McCoy would be coming after me. So I came to take my meal there, not sure how to keep it down afterwards in my disobedient stomach.

I could not make myself meet her eyes. I fear what she would see in mine.

I wish I could hate her, for being the cause of my pain.

But that is not the whole truth.

* * *

You came to me, the morning after. Still a little sleepy, hair tousled, clad only in your pants.

I had to use all my remaining control not to recoil from you.

You smiled. "You know I don't blame you for what happened yesterday. I know it was the spores," you said.

And all I could do was stare at you.

Then I understood - you referred to my 'affair' with Leila. Still smiling, you came to me, kissing me on the cheek.

"Say, do you know how I cut my palm, love? I can't remember. That - or why I had one of those damn flowers in my quarters."

But I did not listen further to your chatter.

'I can't remember.' Leila had said nearly the same. She and the other settlers lack a great deal of memory from their three-year-stay on Omicron Ceti III. As do the others of the crew - McCoy, for example. He only knows he was sitting awhile under a tree, staring at the clouds in the sky, and drinking some exotic beverage with an awful taste.

But he has no remembrance of the rest of his stay on the surface of the planet. Nor of his fight with Elias Sandoval.

So it goes on. Sulu remembers looking for animals in the stables and wondering why there were none. He remembers seeing Leila and me together. But afterwards - nothing.

I seemed to be the only one who knew what he had done. Perhaps it is because I am Vulcan. But now I find myself wishing - for the first time in my life - I was merely human, too.

* * *

They say the body does not count. It is the mind.

But I cannot forget the way you have touched me.

Not in love, not even in desire - but in anger, hatred. The way you tore into me, both body and mind. Careless about anything but your rage, your desire to punish me for my betrayal.

I know, I should tell you the truth.

But what would this do to you? How would you live with the knowledge of what you have done? And how should I...?

No, I cannot. I know you will be hurt and unappreciative if I go without an explanation.

But the truth would be devastating. For you... and for me, too.

So I will leave. Tomorrow we will disembark at a Starbase, from which I will be able to catch a shuttle to Vulcan.

* *

So I lie down in darkness. Try to heal my wounds, to save some remains of strength for the long journey that lies before me. I do not know what I will do, when I arrive Vulcan. Try to build a new life, I think...

I do not know anymore how to live without you - but I will learn it anew. I cannot stay. And maybe, in time, I will be able to forget.

- the end -