Title: How To Enhance Your Love Life
Author: Tyberios
Pairing: K/S
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Challenge: revealed at the end of story
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Captain Kirk gets an interesting birthday present.
Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing the characters and I'm making no profit of this.
Beta: Many thanks to Cait!
This story is part of the second wave of the Captains-fuh-q-fest, which is located at

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How To Enhance Your Love Life


"How To Enhance Your Love Life" read the title of the old book Bones had given him for his birthday. Knowing his interest in old, real-paper books the doctor had been pleased to find that exemplar in a souvenir shop. And the theme of the book had added just the right amount of irony to his present.

Captain Kirk opened the book and read the information on the first page. It had been printed in New York in the year 1980. A real antique, for only few books had survived first the Eugenic Wars, then about eighty years later, the worldwide atomic war, which had nearly destroyed the entire human civilization. New York no longer existed; after being destroyed by atomic bombs, the city hadn't been rebuilt.

Voluntarily he skipped thinking about history and turned back to his new book. He turned the page and came to the table of contents. He started with the introduction, which told him how serious a condition it was, if your love life had started to get boring. Next step was your relationship going downhill. He skipped the rest of introduction and read on in the first
chapter, "Basics of Satisfying Sex With Your Partner."

Some of it was completely useless for him, for the author has had only heterosexual couples in mind. Not that he needed instructions for his relationship with Spock, but maybe he could pick up something really funny in the book.

The next chapter proved to be amusing to read: "Discovering The Joys Of Oral Sex." It was shocking to find out that oral sex had been forbidden by law in many regions of old Earth. He had known that before from his historical studies, but reading it again made him shudder. The author told his readers they must decide for themselves, if they lived in a state where this sexual practice was forbidden.

After three hours he was nearly through the book, which was certainly an interesting document of sexuality history. In the chapter "Increasing Your Repertoire" he had found advice on how to set up a perfectly planned romantic date in an unusual place for your partner. Tomorrow they would reach Betelgeuse for shore leave. Why not surprise Spock with an adaptation of that idea?


"Do you have plans for tonight already, Mister Spock?"

"No, Captain."

"That's just fine. I thought you might like to spend the evening with me. Meet me at 1800 hours in my quarters. We will beam down together." With that, Kirk left for his command chair and sat down again.


He should have tried on his new g-string tanga before. That fucking thing was uncomfortable as hell. With every movement it pinched his balls and rubbed the tender skin of his ass. He comforted himself with the thought of taking it off soon.

"I'll be right there," he told his first officer.

"What do you intend, Jim?"

"That's a surprise, Spock, I've already told you that," he said.

They were wandering through the night in direction of the beach. The administration of this region had insured Kirk it would be absolutely safe to spend the night on the beach. There were no criminals or poisonous and dangerous animals; it was a guarded nature preservation. Setting foot on it was only possible after paying a not-inconsiderable amount of money.

He stumbled and cursed.

"All right, Jim?"

"Yes, just nearly fell over some of the dirt on the ground," he muttered.

"We should have brought lights with us," Spock said.

"I've a lamp with me, but we're are in a nature preserve. Frightening the rare animals isn't allowed."

"I'm sure the animals will survive it."

"You're right. This entire nature preserve is just a farce to get money out of tourists." Kirk activated the small lamp he had carried in his trouser pocket.

They made their way to the beach without further accident. The beach was beautiful; there was a full moon and bright enough to go on without a light.

Kirk led the way to a place about twenty meters ahead. He pulled out a box between two big stones.

"That's your surprise!" He put it down and opened it.

"A box full of small insects is my surprise?" asked Spock rather skeptically.

"What the hell...?" Kirk inspected the small animals enthusiastically consuming their picnic. "That's impossible. This box was sealed air tight."

"Apparently not."

Kirk began to hate his own idea. First he has had to pay a fine for beaming the box inside this nature preserve, and now those fucking insects were feeding on his money. Carefully he inspected the remains of their dinner under the light.

"Look, the thermos flask seems uncontaminated." He handed it to Spock.

"What does it contain?"

"White wine. The one with ice tea has insects all over it, just like the rest of the stuff in this box. It seems they don't like alcohol."

"Those insects seem to be rather intelligent," Spock commented dryly.

"At least we don't have to die of thirst."

Spock kept silent.

Kirk left the box where it was and pulled out another from behind the stones.

"This is our blankets and sleeping bags. Hopefully they aren't serving as food or a nest for any of the local fauna." He opened the box and carefully inspected the contents.

"No bugs," he said.


Away from the stones and insects, they settled down on the sand. In spite of everything, it was still a beautiful and warm summer night.

"What do you think of going in the water?" Kirk asked his Vulcan.

"The administration of the nature preserve told me near the beach there are no carnivorous fishes and nasty little poisonous things," he added at Spock's skeptical gaze.

"It's too cold to go in the water for me," Spock answered.

"Sure you don't want to change your mind?" Kirk had started to disrobe, making sure to be displayed attractively in the moonlight.

He stripped down to his uncomfortable underpants. With his luck today, it probably would be better to keep them on for swimming.

He felt Spock's gaze rest on the rather baring tanga. Smiling to himself, he wiggled his bare ass in front of Spock's face before leaving for the water.

It was warmer than he had thought possible for this time of the night. As he waded into the water he felt a faint sting on his left calf. Alarmed he inspected it as good as was possible in the dim moonlight, but found nothing suspicious. Nevertheless he decided not to go deeper into the dark water. He wet himself all over with his hands, then went back to Spock.

"Was the water not satisfying?" Spock asked him.

"Uh, you were right. It's a little cold. And one can't know what's in it." He had quickly decided not to bother Spock with the real reason.

"Come here, Jim. You look beautiful in the moonlight." Amused by the sudden change of topic, he stepped to Spock on the blanket, not noticing the amounts of sand he carried on it with his feet.

He pushed the Vulcan in a prone position and knelt over him to kiss him. Spock enthusiastically responded to his caresses.

Soon they had forgotten their surroundings.


He was undressing Spock as something caught his attention. Something slippery was moving over his foot. He jumped up.


"There's something."

Hurriedly Spock got up, too. With his better eyesight he saw the intruder first.

"It seems to be a snakelike reptile," he informed Kirk and pointed out to it.

"Let's just shake it out of the blanket and move away. No need to get bitten."

They rebuilt their camp fifty meters away and settled down comfortably again.

But it wasn't the last intrusion of the night.

Both were finally naked. Kirk searched one-handed through the nearest bag for the jar of lube he had packed.

"Jim", Spock whispered, "someone is approaching from the direction of the stones. He is around 100 meters away. Can you reach a communicator?" He was efficiently trapped beneath his lover, so he couldn't search for it himself.

Kirk was suddenly enraged. Those assholes at the preserve's administration had insured him there were no criminals sneaking around!

"I've something better with me," he whispered back.

Before Spock could do anything, Kirk had grabbed a small phaser from the pocket of his discarded pants. Kirk stomped away in the direction of the rocks.

"Whoever you are! Get the hell away! Or I will certainly have your eggs fried!"

The unsuspecting gamekeeper, who had just discovered the picnic box full of insects, ran away unrecognized by the Captain.

"If you come back, you are dead!" Kirk called after him.

"Jim, maybe it wasn't a robber," Spock said carefully. "It could be possible that the nature preserve personnel are patrolling at night."

"Then why he did he run away like that?"

Spock decided to be silent on that for the moment. After all, he was interested in something else other than discussion.


"Jim!" Spock gasped. "Don't move."

"What's wrong?" Kirk asked concerned.

He did as he was told, even if it was difficult to maintain such control while his cock was sheathed in the tight ass of his first officer.

"You've gotten sand in the lube and on your cock. Don't you notice that rather uncomfortable chafing sensation?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"Please move away from me. The friction is most annoying."

Carefully they separated and lay down side by side.

"I guess my surprise became something of a catastrophe," Kirk said.

"That's one way to put it."

Suddenly both broke out into laughter.

Finally they decided just to go to sleep, and wrapped up together in the blankets and sleeping bags.


Kirk awoke to the sun shining and a thirst burning in his throat. He sat up, ignoring the protest of aching muscles, and grabbed the thermos flask. He opened it and drank thirstily till the taste registered in his brain.

He had forgotten it contained white wine, not exactly his favorite drink in the morning. Annoyed, he put it away.

Beside him Spock opened his eyes.

"Good morning, Commander. Have you slept well?"

"Yes, if you consider our current location."

"The same here. My back is aching all over. And unless you want white wine for breakfast you have to go thirsty."

"I will do without."

Kirk pushed back his covers and got up. Suddenly a pain lanced through his leg.

"Jim, there are red pustules on your left calf."

Kirk looked at them; they were itching like hell, but at least the pain had subsided.

"Yesterday in the water I felt a faint sting!" he remembered. "Something must have bitten me."

"That's obvious."

"Great. I hate this damn nature preserve. Let's get up and go home."

"Wouldn't it be better if we used the transporter? Your boot will be abrasive on your calf."

"I won't pay one credit more to the preserve administration for beaming!"

"That's illogical. If necessary, I will pay the amount."

"It isn't the money that bothers me that much. It's the principle those robbers use. I will be right back, then let's go." Kirk was determined.

"By the way, how do you feel after last night's encounter with the sand?" he asked Spock.

"There are some abrasions," Spock informed him. He, too, was getting up and stretching aching muscles.

"I promise, I will never again come up with an idea such as having a romantic dinner on beach."


Finally they were back on the Enterprise. Kirk visited McCoy, who told him he had been bitten by a Betelgeuse water flea. The pustules would subside within a few days if he kept applying the prescribed ointment four times a day.

In need of rest, he just nodded and left for his quarters. At least he would never see that damn nature preserve again.

As he entered his room, he noticed there was a message waiting for him. He sat down at his computer terminal to read it:

From the administration of Zulungan nature preserve: According to local law you are required to pay a fee of 6000 Federation credits for threatening an employee of the Zulungan nature preserve and for soiling the environment. The disposal of the waste you left caused us costs
in the amount of 2000 Federation credits. Additionally you have to pay 3000 Federation credits for poisoning rare insects with the aforementioned waste. Please send us the sum of 11000 Federation credits by Stardate 2301.8. Please use the attached electronic transfer form.



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Challenge scenario: Your Captain (or his/her love interest) plans the PERFECT date...and
everything that could go wrong, does. Tell about it