To Ease The Pain
Summary: Tuvok meets Spock after Kirk's disappearance in the Nexus.
Printed it “Spock you…” by Kira Nerys
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns the whole Star Trek universe. I borrowed some characters only for some fun. No money-making, no offence of copyrights are intended. The story is mine and it is just fanfiction.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with the idea that two men have sex with each other, then look elsewhere for your entertainment. English is not my native language, so please be patient with my mistakes. Isla did a really great job to correct my errors. My greatest gratitude to her. For all remaining errors, blame me.
If you watch "Generations" carefully, you can see a black Vulcan male on the bridge of the Enterprise B. The role was played by Tim Russ. The character is not addressed by any name, but I suppose it could have been the young Tuvok. The story is also inspired by the VOY episode "Gravity", which revealed that Tuvok had a hard time as a young man to choose the emotionless Vulcan way of life. There is also a woman, Noss, who is in love with Tuvok and he isn't entirely immune to it.
I hesitate for a brief moment, before I ring the bell. "I am Tuvok," I tell the old servant who opens the big door. "Ambassador Spock called for me."
The servant lets me in and then tells me to wait a moment in the entry-hall. I look around with hardly suppressed curiosity. It is obvious that this clan is very rich and famous. T'Pau, Ambassador Sarek and now his son, who has stepped so successfully into his father's footprints, are considered as some of the most famous people, who ever lived on Vulcan.
Of course, I have heard of them many times, but I never met one of them. My own clan isn't nearly as important in Vulcan society and so it was really a big surprise when I was invited to meet Ambassador Spock in his family estate shortly after I came back to Vulcan for my first shore leave since I joined Starfleet.
Before I can wonder further why I have been invited, the servant appears again and tells me that Spock is waiting for me in the library.
I enter the impressive room and greet him respectfully. But Spock does not answer. He stands with his back to me looking out the only window the room has. "Ambassador?" I ask, repeating my greeting a little louder fearing that he had not heard me the first time. Suddenly he turns around, and I register with astonishment, the grief and the sadness, which appears on his face for a brief moment before he shields his emotions. I have never seen such an open expression on a Vulcan before, and I surely have not expected this from such a respected Vulcan.
"Tell me what happened on the Enterprise B on her maiden voyage?" He demands this without any answer to my greetings. His voice is rough with emotions.
I am surprised by his open display of emotional behaviour and do not know what to say for a brief moment. "Ambassador, you surely know the official records," I state finally.
"I know you were there when it happened a half year ago. I want to have your opinion of the events. I am sure you remember them all," is his harsh reply.
Of course I remember. Even if I did not have an eidetic memory I would remember it all: The journalists all over the bridge with their cameras, interviewing especially the VIP-guests, Captain Kirk and the two members of his famous crew, who were with him. I remember the sudden change in the general behaviour as we received the emergency call from the El'Aurians, the discovery of the Nexus, the struggle to save at least the lives of some of the passengers of the Lakul. And of course I remember very clearly the deadly silence on the bridge as Captain Kirk's death became known to all people there. Nobody could possibly ever forget that.
I remember that all members of the former Enterprise bridge-crew were supposed to be there but only Kirk, Scott and Chekov showed up. The others excused themselves because of important business. I also know well about the friendship and the familiarity between the "famous-seven" over the nearly 30 years that they spent together sharing adventures. Suddenly I understand why Spock wishes to know first-hand what happened; Starfleet records are never complete with personal details. But why had he not asked Mister Scott or Mister Chekov? They surely would have been able to give more exact answers than I can.
"Is there anything you wish to know specifically?" I ask.
The dark eyes watch me, sudden pain shows for a moment, before they revert to emotionless depths. "Tell me about Jim's ... Captain Kirk's death."
"I do not know much about that," I say, taking the seat he offers me. I voice the question I thought before. "Why you do not ask Mister Scott or Mister Chekov instead of me?"
"I have already heard their emotional statements. I want to hear your logical opinion." The "please" he adds sounds so desperate, it makes even my Vulcan heart ache with sorrow.
I tell him all I know about the events in question. He listens silently, his fists clenched tight, his eyes closed. He still stands before me. As I finish he turns and looks out the window again.
For a few moments there is only silence in the room, then suddenly he starts speaking, so quietly that I can hardly hear him.
"He always knew that he would die alone. I should have been there. The negotiations with the Kat'Muks were not that important. They could have wait another week. I should have been there. I should have protected Jim or ... died with him."
This sad statement makes me remember the rumours regarding an intimate relationship between Captain Kirk and Captain Spock that I had heard when I was a cadet at the Academy. As a Vulcan I never gave much attention to such gossip. But, as I now watch his slumped shoulders, I cannot help believing that they are true.
I do not know why I voice the question aloud. It is against all Vulcan rules of privacy.
"Ambassador, you and Captain ..."
I cannot finish. He turns around, sees the question in my eyes and nods. "We were lovers, yes." It seems that he needs to talk about it finally to somebody, and I willingly listen.
"We were not bonded yet. We never had the time for the proper ceremony. We always said that there would be a tomorrow to do this. But now ..."
His voice trails off. I feel that he really needs to talk about it. Perhaps it will help him to regain his logic again. I am not uncomfortable with his emotional behaviour. I can really understand him. I have loved once, too. And it was hard for me to choose the way of emotionless logic. For him, as a half-Vulcan, it must be even harder to deal with the loss of a beloved, especially if this love was never allowed to be complete. I can understand his deep grief and guilt.
He tries to appear calm, but there is a pleading undertone in his voice as he says, "I know it is much to ask of you, but would you consider melding with me? I would like to see your memory of Jim as he was on the bridge."
I nod instantly and rise to stay before him. He touches my meld points. For a brief moment, I feel disorientated as his mind sweeps with full force into mine, then he controls himself. But I can still feel his emotional turmoil as I project my memories of Captain Kirk as he appeared on the bridge of the Enterprise B a half year ago: strong, competent, and authoritative.
His mind opens to mine again, and it seems that he cannot stop himself from projecting his memories of his beloved to me: The young, handsome Captain, who took command of the Enterprise 30 years ago, fighting shoulder-to-shoulder against Klingons and Romulans, shared chess-games and meals, memories of a deep friendship, which grew into love over the years. I see a bright smile, hear an open laughter. I feel the passion between them. The joy and lust in shared intimacies. I can feel the unrestrained happiness in the Vulcan as the human begs to be touched and loved. I can see the equal happiness when the Human loves the Vulcan in all human meanings of this word.
All these memories are not without effect on Spock and, surprisingly, they affect me, too. I can feel his arousal not only through his mind but through his erection, which is now pressed against my groin.
I know what he wants, and it is the logical thing for me to offer myself. There is no other to answer his needs and to help burn out his desperate emotions. The memories of James Kirk are still with us. I know it is not I who he desires. It does not matter in that moment. He is a being in need and I can offer help.
"Yes Spock, take what you need." I say it aloud as well as in my mind.
He does not hesitate for a moment as he starts to take off his robe and mine, too. He turns me around and bends me over a nearby table. There is a sudden pain as he parts my ass-cheeks and enters me in one swift movement, but I can suppress the pain easily.
I had never have been with a man before. But, to my surprise, I do not feel uncomfortable with Spock's large cock sheathed tight in my ass. He reaches around for my meld-points again. And again there are the memories of his love and lust with Jim Kirk. He pulls out of me until only the tip of his cock is still in me. Then he starts moving in again. His other hand milks my cock. I am as aroused as he is. I do not know if it is his lust for Kirk, which is projected to me or if I really find satisfaction in being fucked by this man.
I cannot help myself. I moan and plead for more. "Yes Spock. Fuck me, harder."
He thrusts in me, again and again. I hear him moan and groan, too. He cries and sobs: "Jim, why have you left me alone? Why have we not bonded, so that I can be with you?"
His emotions sweeping over us are deep and dark. There is so much pain, guilt and self-pity. I try to project thoughts and feelings to ease his pain. I tell him mentally that he can be happy for the time he had with his beloved. I tell him that he was loved and cared for and that this is more than most people of our species ever discover in their whole life.
I feel his pain slowly subside, and he can let go. He is pumping hard in me now. His hand is still milking me with desperation. I feel that the edge is near for both of us. He freezes for a moment, then thrusts again into me, hard and fast.
As his climax washes over him, he cries out: "Jim, I love you!" I feel his seed filling me and I achieve orgasm, too.
He collapses exhausted over me. We both are now resting on the table. Then I hear a sound I never heard from a Vulcan before: He is weeping, weeping for his lost beloved, crying over lost chances.
The crying seems to heal him. I can feel that his mind is calming down again, that his pain begins to vanish. He lets his penis slips out of me and straightens up. I stand up too and face him.
We both put our clothes on again. Then he looks at me. He is now an emotionless Vulcan, but he bows his head. "Thank you." he says and I see a hidden warmth in his dark eyes. "I will always appreciate what you have done for me. It was an honour to meet you, Tuvok. May you live long and prosper."
"The honour was mine. And may you, too, live long and prosper." But I am sure that he will never be happy again as he was in previous years. His human half died aboard a certain starship a half year ago, but he will always cherish the memory of the golden human called James Tiberius Kirk. He will never allow another being to be close to him again.
I see in his eyes that he knows that I understand this. And he is grateful for my understanding, just as he is for my body and my mind, which supported him in his need. He will not forget me.
As I turn to take my leave, he calls me back for another word. "Tuvok, if you ever have another chance to choose between love and logic, choose the love. Love can complete you in a way that logic never can. And even if it is only for a short time, it is better that you have loved once instead of never."
Of course, he had seen in my mind the love that I abandoned years ago. I nod and then leave him alone.
I have always honoured the memories of Spock and his deep love for Captain Kirk, but I did not think of them for years. Now the long-ago images come back to me. Again I hear his deep voice saying, "Choose the love. Love can complete you in a way logic never can."
But I have to choose the logic again. I have my duties to the ship, to the Voyager's crew, and to my captain. And I have my loyalty to my wife T'Pel and our children. I cannot stay with Noss even if I wish to do so. I am sorry, Spock, I cannot choose love. Not even now.
continued in A New Beginning