Author: Lady Charena
Series: post-TOS, post-STMP
Part: New 1/1
Feedback: I'd like feedback very much. Please mail me at LadyCharena@aol.com
Summary: Shortly after V'ger. Spock entered pon farr.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed a small part from it, to have some fun with the Boys. The story is mine and only fanfiction - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.
If you are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my native language. My deepest gratitude to my betas T'Len and to T'Boy, who did again a great job to correct my mistakes. If there are any left, blame me.
* * * * * * * * *
by Lady Charena
Like the first time, his erratic half-human body failed him. A few days after his arrival on Vulcan, he woke from frightening dreams. His mind filled with pictures of flames and red blood. Sweat gleamed on his skin as he got up, and he shivered in the nightly cold.
This time he knew, this time there was no doubt.
Kneeling in front of the fire-shrine, he tried to meditate, ignoring his aroused state. It took some time and effort to achieve a deeper level of meditation.
Some of the disciplines he learned in Gol, would grant him a greater control over his body. But they would not save him. To be untouched in body and mind meant to be dead...
And now it was too late to break the link to the human. No healer could meld with him, without risk of being attacked by his mind. The only touch he craved, needed, accepted - was that of his bondmate. And there was none.
He could have tried to find another bondmate on Vulcan, but he knew, it would be useless. There would be no other for him. He knew that much from his failed relationship with Nik. In the end he gave Nik his freedom, to seek somebody who *could* love him really.
His mind and body cried for Jim. And his heart... he silenced it.
He wanted to lose himself in the cool haven of Jim's mind again. The so long suppressed hunger for this man broke free.
But he knew, there would be no way to satisfy this yearning, no way to find a second half of his soul. It destroyed once his dream of being one with the human. There would be no second time.
As he left the security of meditation, a new day dawned. He went to the window to greet it. Spock accepted the knowledge, that there would not be many more for him...
* * *
Jim woke from a nightmare. Slowly the impression of being strangled vanished and he could breath again. His mouth was filled with the taste of sand, as he swallowed.
He got out of the bed, to get some water. Bending his head over the sink, he splashed the cool fluid in his burning face. It helped a bit to clear his mind. He watched his face in the mirror, deciding this was not one of his better nights.
He looked pale and tired, strain showed in little wrinkles around eyes and mouth. His body felt hot and feverish - well, in more than one way...
He touched the bulk in front of his pyjamas and groaned. It was not this unusual for him, to wake aroused. But this hurt really.
As the trembling started, he reached with both hands for the sink. There was the distinct sensation of falling... but then something intruded in his mind. He heard his own gasp for air, as fire broke over him. The link to Spock, something lifeless and unrecognised in his mind, woke to life, communicating Spock's need...
And he started to fight against it.
He came to his senses again - clinging to the sink, on his knees, his body limp and spent. After a few minutes he went to his feet to clean himself up. Returning to bed, he stretched his cramped, tired body.
Spock was in pon farr... he tried to push the thought away. He remembered the first time and suppressed a shiver. This time it seemed to be more channelled, more controlled, but frightening nevertheless. But did he really have a chance?
He sunk into uneasy sleep, exhaustion taking over.
Two days later he sat on the edge of the bed. There had been no further sign that Spock tried to contact him. He knew Spock wouldn't. Determination rose and he came to his feet, throwing a few clothes and things he would need into a travel-bag, while he started a call to book a seat in the next Shuttle to Vulcan...
* * *
Summer on Vulcan.
The last time he was here, it had been early autumn. So the temperature was even higher than he remembered. The air itself seemed to burn. Even Spock's world seemed to suffer like he did...
He left the rented Aircar and steeled himself against the higher gravitation. Shoving the sunglasses up in his hair, he watched the silent house.
He knew, Sarek and Amanda spent this season on Earth, Spock's mother couldn't cope this easily with the heat anymore. He approached the entrance - knowing, the door would be open for him.
He entered the slightly cooler house, leaving his bag on the floor on bottom of the stairs.
Spock's rooms were up. He could feel the flames again, calling him like they had a few days before.
* * *
Spock was in his room, curled on his side on the bed. His naked body covered with sweat, aroused, trembling. His head cradled in his arms.
Slowly Jim approached the bed, leaving his clothes behind. Pushing his fear away.
He knew, Spock felt his presence, even if he gave no outer sign. Just the trembling increased.
"I come to serve," he said, remembering the ritual words from the first time. "Spock, I'm here for you."
The Vulcan shook his head, a weak gesture of refusal. "I do not want you," he whispered. A lie...
"You've called me, Spock. You've called me on Earth to come to you."
He stroked over the black hair, clinging wetly to the head. A shudder ran through the slender
body, as he bent his head to press his lips against Spock's nape, feeling the fluttering heartbeat there.
"I know, you don't want me. But I can't let you die..."
He kissed his way down the prominent spine and smiled, as Spock arched against his touch. "I'm determined to fight for you. Come on, love. Give in to me."
And so he did.
Strong hands closed around his waist, pulling him down on the bed.
The next moment, Jim found himself on his belly and the feverish body covering his.
No foreplay, no preparation - just the blunt pressure of Spock's cock against the opening to his body. He had taken care of this, shortly before his arrival on Vulcan. But it hurt nonetheless.
For a moment he had to fight for breath, as Spock entered him with one smooth motion. Pain filled his vision with red haze - but the scream, torn from him, was one of mere delight... triumph. 'Mine...'
He was pulled on hands and knees, his legs spread wider. Spock entered him again, this time it was less painful.
* * *
He was turned on his back once again, Spock covering him now. He closed his eyes, as soft lips searched his, hot fingertips settled over the meld-points in his face. His fingers clutched in the sheet, as he began to understand what would follow...
The first tendrils of Spock's mind-touch drifted through the link, now vivid and strong. Jim tried to overcome the fear, the doubts... but he felt himself retreating in panic, fighting against the intruder.
His body thrashed from side to side, bucking against the weight of the body over him. Pain shot through his head - heat, desire, rage - passing by like clouds on a stormy day.
But suddenly it was over.
He was once more alone...
"No..." he wanted to scream, but it was a mere whisper. He hated himself. "Not again..."
Slowly he opened his eyes, seeing Spock resting his head on his chest, his face hidden. Somehow he summoned the strength to cup Spock's face with his hands, tipping it up. Searching in the dark eyes for a light he lost years ago. The Vulcan averted his gaze.
He slid his hands down over gaunt cheeks, thin shoulders, arms - till his hands rested on Spock's.
Feeling the flames, still raging in the slender body. "Then take what I can give..."
Turning his head aside, he held himself open, as the Vulcan entered him again, his body's demands taking control. Jim never knew, if he just imagined the tears on Spock's face...
* * *
He knew they both had slept some time, Spock in his arms.
Woken, to be turned on his belly or his back, to be entered again. Remembered one time clutching his own erection, while the Vulcan took him - and hot fingers, shoving his aside, to settle around his cock, bringing him to orgasm, as Spock came inside him.
He ceased to count, to react, at last to feel... till darkness closed around him.
* * *
The sun stung his tired eyes, as he woke. His throat felt raw as he swallowed, the bitter taste of blood filling his mouth.
Turning his head to the side, which only intensified the headache, he searched for Spock.
But the bed, the whole room was deserted.
He felt sore all over, his body painful cramped. His left wrist felt like it had been cruelly twisted - swollen, but not broken. Bruises on his arms, shoulders, around his hips. Not as bad, as he had expected.
Just very exhausted, sticky. And very alone.
Slowly he slid a hand down the length of his body, avoiding aching nipples. He flinched, as he touched the tender orifice. But there was no blood on his fingers, just semen, as he pulled them back.
A crooked smile played for a moment around his lips. He remembered not much about the first pon farr, but this time he could *revel* in memories, vivid enough to arouse him even in his exhausted state. Laughter broke free, bitter and painful... always ready to rise to the occasion, yes?.. till it ended in strangled sobs.
Jim hid his face and surrendered to the once more approaching darkness.
* * *
He woke anew, this time in semi-darkness, the sun closed off by sunscreens. Less tired, maybe slightly less aching. At least the pain in his head seemed somewhat subdued. He felt warm, his skin dry and clean... and fresh sheets beneath him. Spock's doing.
Spock... He searched the room, knowing he would be there. His gaze slid over the otherwise empty bed, finding a cup of water on a shelf. His stomach protested after a few careful sips, but his throat felt now more like speaking.
"Spock?" he whispered. "What do you think about a good-morning-kiss?" Not one of his better jokes...
There was no answer from the silent figure, standing in front of the window, his back turned to the human.
"Spock, I..." he fell silent, unsure what to say, how to justify this second rejection.
"I am sorry," he whispered at last.
Spock turned, wearing his usual cold mask.
Jim sipped some more water, putting the cup away.
"Come to me," he whispered, reaching out for Spock - and flinched, as the cramped muscles in his arm hurt at the too sudden movement.
The Vulcan hesitated a long time - then he came to him, but stopped one step away, sizing him up over the distance.
"You're okay? The fever gone?"
Spock nodded. His gaze fell on the human's hand, outstretched toward him. Calling again for him. He closed the distance between them, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Jim," he whispered. "I hurt you. I did not want to hurt you..."
Hesitant he touched the cooler fingers with his own.
"Come." The human held on to his hand and pulled the unresisting Vulcan in his arms. Biting back a moan of pain - but he revelled in the feeling of the hot body against his.
"It's okay," he whispered, his face hidden in the silken hair. "I'm here and I'm well. Just tired and a bit sore. Nothing to worry about, love."
He felt the increasing tremble in the slender body. "I'm fine. Really. You know, I'd do anything for you. Anything I can..."
At last they slept this way, entangled, exhausted.
* * *
For the third time, Jim woke in darkness. Once more he was alone. His gaze returned to the window, night again.
How many nights had passed since his arrival? He didn't know... and didn't care.
Slowly he got up, most of the pain had subdued, he felt less cramped. Putting on a robe he found near the bed, he searched for the shower. Hot water would have been better for his muscles, but he had to be content with Sonics.
Returning, he found his travel-bag and put on fresh clothes. Feeling much better and ravenous, he left the room, searching for Spock.
He couldn't find the Vulcan, but the table in the kitchen was laid for one person.
At last he found Spock in the garden. There was enough light from the stars to see him sitting on a bench.
Spock lifted his head, as the human set down beside him, slow and careful. He reached for him, as if to ascertain for himself with a touch...
But he stopped midway and pulled his hand back. "How are you?" he asked quietly, averting his eyes, as Jim sought his gaze.
"I am fine", Jim replied, reaching for Spock's hand. "You did not hurt me," he said, answering a question the Vulcan dared not to ask.
Jim hid his face against his palm. "But I hurt you. Like I do again and again. Why am I this way? Why can't I..." he broke off.
"Jim." Spock tipped his head up. He touched hesitantly a bruise on Jim's chin, his pale cheek, the bitten lips - avoiding only the pressure points for the mind-meld.
"I do not know," he answered at last. "Your mind is closed to mine."
He pulled his hand back.
For a long time there was only silence.
"What now? How do we go on from this?"
Spock did not answer, nor gaze at the human.
"Will you came back to Earth? To me?"
Spock shook his head. "I cannot."
Jim silenced him with a finger across thin lips. "I do not ask you to love me. I know, I have no right... I don't deserve that much anymore."
He shook his head, as if to get rid of an unwanted thought.
"Just be there. I do not ask for more. Just be there, be a part of my life again."
Spock closed his eyes... and nodded.
* * *
There weren't many who could stand against a determined Jim Kirk. At last he got exactly what he wanted - his ship, his crew and a new five-year-mission. And Spock at his side - as his first and science officer.
It was nearly heaven.
to be continued...
Part 5 "Lost in the light"
coming up soon.
Khan - you know...
Continued in Lost in the light