First Place TOS Short (four-way tie), Second Place TOS Slash Short (five-way tie), Second Place Kirk/Spock Short (five-way tie)
Title: The deep chambers of your heart
Author: Lady Charena
Series: TOS – in the time between ST1 and ST2
Codes: ? POV (will be revealed at the end of the story), K/S
Feedback: I'd love to get - here or at <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Summary: An eavesdropped conversation in the garden of the Vulcan Embassy.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. This story is mine and only fanfiction. No moneymaking or offence of copyrights is intended. If you are under age or have a problem with homosexuality, please stay away.
English is not my native language, please be patient with mistakes. My gratitude to T'Len for picking out the biggest errors.
The deep chambers of your heart
It is impossible for me to meditate so I decide to go out. Maybe a little walk through the symmetrical cultivated garden of the Vulcan embassy will calm me enough to enable me at last a few hours of sleep.
The silence in the garden and the coolness of the nightly air is like soothing balm to my troubled mind. I have to admit that tonight I am really unable to control my emotions properly. I am not ashamed of this – you’ve taught me not to be so – but still I have to fight against a irritating sense to fail, maybe even disappoint, you.
You. You are the cause of my troubled thoughts. Something is wrong with you - seriously wrong since ever we made that trip to Rome two days ago. You are too calm even for your ways. Last evening you talked to me - more than I am used to - but even so there was a strange quietness in your words. Two or three times I watched your hands restless moving in your lap like fearful little animals. The only outward sign, that your control seemed to be shaken, I could detect. And I wonder... did you knew that I saw it?
From the moment we first met, there always had been an air of trust between us and I ever was aware of your feelings. Through the mental link you gave to me I can still sense your strong affection for me, but “the deeper chambers of your heart” (I have read this sentence years ago in a poetry book, but only now I really understand its meaning) are closed to me. You do not want me to know what ever is troubling you. And it hurts more than I expected. I am no child, Spock, and I am not blind. Why can you not talk to me?
You left me more than a hour ago and retired to your own room in the southern wing of the guest house of the Embassy where you live for the duration of your visit on Earth. I stay at the Vulcan Embassy because there is so much I can only learn here. And I also love the quietness, the calm of this place, giving me a feeling of absolute safety. But I do not really understand why you prefer to stay here, too – even when you told me it was for my sake, to help me with the preparations for my exams. Of course none of the Vulcans would show any disliking of your visit – if one of them would feel such a thing – but they neither welcomed you with open arms as humans are fond of saying. Still you stay. Sometimes I think you were seeking a kind of a hiding place...
But humble walls are not enough to part us and so I still can feel your restlessness. I wonder... I really wonder if it has something to do with our accidental encounter with Admiral Kirk in Rome...
* * // * *
Nowadays Rome is not a city to live in – it is a big museum. More than 150 years ago a terrible earth quake destroyed large parts of the old city with its historical buildings like the Colosseum. It was never rebuild, but a very authentic three-dimensional hologram shows where it once had been and what it had looked like. As we arrived there, we found the place crowed with tourists and decided to go to a nearby, newly opened museum, to visit a exhibition of holo-pictures from still existing paintings created from great Italian artists like Michelangelo or DaVinci. (Of course they do not show the original paintings, those are too valuable.)
I knew of the depths of your knowledge – maybe better than somebody else – but you really surprised me with all the details you told me to each painting we saw.
At some time we parted. I was studying a picture I had once seen in a book years ago as a strange feeling of confusion, anger and pleasure – all at the same time – flashed through my mind. That emotion was not origin from me! So I turned to have a look at you.
I saw you standing at the other end of the room, next to the entrance, your back turned to me, your gaze directed to the open doors of the museums entry. There, coming from the light of the bright day outside into the (traditional) dim lighted room, stood Admiral James Kirk.
I learned a lot of him from you about his successes as well as his fails. You told me about your friendship to that extraordinary human and about the years you served as this First Officer aboard the Enterprise. I always thought him to be a very impressing person and after I encountered him personally at Starfleet Academy I found my opinion confirmed. He even knew who I was and about my relations to you.
Admiral Kirk entered the room and I thought he did not see you at once, because he was obviously absorbed in a discussion with a woman accompanying him. Then he lifted his head and saw you standing near. I was too far away to understand his words as he turned to his companion - but she left him with a few words and a nod – or his greetings to you. I felt a flash of pain running through you as your control suddenly slipped. I reached for you – and you expelled me from your mind! For a moment I was hurt, but remembering your pain I involuntarily run to you and to the Admiral.
You seemed to take no notice of my appearance but I saw the Admirals eyes fix on me – and I noticed the anger in their depths. Anger that was directed to me. Nevertheless he greeted me with cool courtesy, asking some rhetorical questions about my liking Rome and Italian culture I did answer as shortly as possible. He was obviously not interested in my words, his eyes travelling to you again and again, even when he was talking directly to me.
You took opportunity of a intermitted break in our chat to turn to me. “Would you please leave us for a moment? I would like to talk to the Admiral.”
No! It was a wild, childish outburst of fear and defiance which nearly brought me to call out loudly. But as fast as it appeared it vanished as I remembered my training and regained once again control over my emotions. “Of course, if you wish so.” I spoke my farewell to the Admiral and left you alone with him. I could not stay in the museum so I went to the outside, waiting there for you to come.
* * // * *
I now remember vividly that I feared for you the moment I left you. There is no logical cause for this impression on my side but I know I can still trust my intuition. But why? The Admiral is an old friend of yours, there is nothing to fear. Absent-minded I sit down on a stone bench in the shadows of the wall surrounding the Embassy, tracing with my fingers the rough surface while trying to examinant my emotions...
I must have been really deeply absorbed in my thoughts, because I did not notice until now that I am no longer alone in the garden. You are approaching me fast. But still in some distance from my position and before I can make myself known you suddenly stop and turn to one of the small entrances, built into the wall. A soft light from a lamp over the entry casts shadows over your face. You are not here to see me, are you, Spock?
Not a minute later I get my answer as the door opens and somebody enters the garden. I... for a moment I can not believe my eyes, but it is Admiral Kirk!
“How on Earth could you possibly know that I would come?” he is asking. “At this hour. At this place.”
For a moment there is absolute no movement in you, then you answer: “I always knew.”
The Admiral smiles. “Yes, I remember. Spock...”
“But I do not know why you did come – at this place, at this hour.”
“So... you don’t...” the Admiral answers. “I think you’re a liar, Spock.”
I can not leave now without directing their attention to me. And if I am truly honest... I am not the least inclined to go. I wait for your answer, but you keep silent.
“Why did you run from me in Rome, Spock, why?”
“I did not ‘run’ from you. There was nothing more to say and... I have not been alone there as you know.”
“What’s wrong with you, Spock? I was delighted to hear that you are visiting Earth. I expected you to come and see me. But you still avoid me – in the Academy or where ever we accidentally met.”
A short silence follows his words. I fear to betray my presence because my heart is beating so wildly that I wonder if it can be heard all over the garden.
“You never answered to my letters, to my messages after your return to Vulcan. You never explained me what I did to deserve such a punishment.”
“You did nothing, but to...”
“But... to?” the Admiral insists. “To love you?”
I can not see your face, it is shadowed, but I know the pain there, because I can hear it in your voice.
“You never told me why its such a crime to be in love with a Vulcan.”
I hear bitterness in the Admirals words.
“Not with any Vulcan,” you answered. “But with me.”
“Why, Spock? Why?”
There is pain too in the Admirals voice-
“Because I am not in love with you.”
“I don’t believe you, Spock. We were lovers for almost five years. You’d tell me, that you slept with me out of a misunderstood sense of duty? Or even pity?”
“Then tell me what happened. Did I hurt you without knowing it? Did I expect to much from you? Spock, I still...”
“Do not speak any further! Do not speak of loving me, Jim. You do know nothing of love.”
Another long silences follows. I send a prayer to the ancient gods that none of them will discover my presence.
“You mean – nothing of loving an Vulcan? Or loving you?”
“You are expecting too much from me, Jim. I can not give what you want.”
“Damn, Spock, what do you know of the things I wanted from you!” Anger bursts from the Admiral like a wave. “I want you in my life, not some fleeting affair. I want to command a ship with you at my side, not to fly a desk. And I want to love you with all my soul, my heart and my body.”
“But you do not want me in your mind.”
“That’s it?” Astonishment... then understanding coloured the Admirals voice. “That’s it.”
“But we did discuss this at least a thousand times, Spock. A Vulcan mental bonding is impossible. You know how Star Fleet thinks about that. I have to be in control of my mind all the time...”
“I would never use a bond to affect your decisions.”
“Yes, yes, I know, Spock. But the regulations about mental bonding exist and they leave no room for exceptions.”
“There are exceptions for Vulcans.”
“But I am no Vulcan, Spock. And to be precise – you aren’t utter Vulcan either.” The Admiral stops to control his voice. “Listen, Spock, we talked this over and over – and finally you agreed to a relationship at human norms. Why did you change your opinion?
“Why did you run to Vulcan at the end of the five-year-mission? I never asked you after your return.”
“Because I had to.”
“That is no answer I will accept, Spock!”
“Because I could not longer bear the pain.”
“Yes, I agreed to a purely human relationship with you. But it was childish to think it could stay that way. I am no longer a child, Jim. I went to Gol to grow up. And even if I failed there...”
“A child, Spock? You’re three years older than I,” the Admiral interrupts him.
“In Human years and from Human sight – but not in my mental and emotional development as a Vulcan.”
“Are you accusing me by loving you of child abuse?” Sarcasm colours the Admirals voice.
“No, of course not. It was my free will.”
“And now you’re too grown up for love, Spock? Am I too inferior for you?”
“No, Jim. I will always value you as my friend. But I can never be your lover.”
“Because I will not bond.”
“Because the circumstances will not allow us to do so.”
“So you’re saying if we could bond we would be lovers again?” There was a flash of hope in de Admirals words.
But you did not answer to that. “It is the best if you go now, Jim.”
“I want you to answer me first. If we could bond would you love me?”
“I do not know.”
“Spock, you must know!”
“I can not know, until...”
“Until what?” the Admiral insisted. “Until you try it? I once thought you loved me.”
“I did, Jim. But with the love of an child.”
I could see Kirk shaking his head. “I think you’re right. I’d better go. This... discussion leads to nowhere.” He turns to go.
He stops and waits.
“I am sorry.”
Without turning the Admiral says: “I’m, too. It’s not over, Spock. We will meet again.” Then he leaves.
Embarrassed to have been witness to this I wait for you to do the same so I can leave the garden unseen.
But after some time you turn into my direction. “Saavik-kam – child, come to me.”
So I come to you. “You know? It was not my intention to listen…”
“I felt your presence as I entered the garden. Now you know of my deepest secrets. Do you still want to be a Vulcan, Saavik-kam?”
I remember you asking me that question when I was ten. “I ever wanted to be like you.” It is the same answer I gave you at that time. I still have no other.
“Do not be, Saavik. Do not ever be.”
Your voice is calm, almost tender, but I can see the rough edges of control beneath the calmness.
My heart cries for you. I want to weep like I did as the child I am no longer – and so I only touch your fingers, hoping you will accept what ever comfort I can offer you.
Inspired from the song “Always” - Bon Jovi:
This Romeo is bleeding, but you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings, that this old dog kicked up
It's been raining since you left, now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up
Now I can't sing a love song like the way it's meant to be
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore, well baby that's just me…
And I will love you, baby, always
And I'll be there forever and a day, always
I'll be there 'till the stars don't shine
'Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you always