Title: This burning inside...
Author: Lady Charena
Series: TOS (A/R) - post-series; but still pre-STM
Codes K/S, ft, POV
Feedback: Yes, please. LadyCharena@aol.com
Summary: Spock is on Vulcan and Jim has to deal with his memories of the past.
Note: Some slight reference to "The trouble with Tribbles" in the beginning. This is one of my favourite episodes. Watching it as a newbie to Star Trek for the first time, I instantly fell in love with the scene where Jim was buried beneath all those Tribbles. However - this is definitely *not* a story about Tribbles. Sorry. <g>
A change in time (memories) is marked like this * // * // * // *
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns all Star Trek. I borrowed just a part of it to play. The story is mine - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended.
I love my two Boys and I love them most when they're together. So if you're underage or offended by the idea of m/m-relations and sex, please move on to a more suitable story.
Please be patient with any errors, English is not my native language. My thanks to my dear beta T'Boy.
This burning inside... 1/1
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dec. 2000 by Lady Charena
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>>When at night I reach out for you and only find emptiness;
when every minute feels like eternity to me;
when I slowly bleed to death from the invisible wound;
when I die in these nights, crying out your name...
You're not here to cool this burning inside.<<
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The stars are here, as I gaze out into the darkness. Always the only constancy in my life - the craving to be amongst them. I would do everything to be out in space. In fact I *did* everything. I even sacrificed my love.
* // * // * // * // * // * // *
I couldn't stop gazing at you - as you stroked one of the Tribbles Uhura brought aboard. Your long fingers slid gently through the thick fur of the little beast, which was undeniably purring with pleasure.
I seared with jealousy of the creature but could somehow contain my outward mask of amusement. I imagined your fingers drifting slowly down my chest in the same way and my mouth went dry. My hands, hidden behind my back, built into trembling fists as I restrained myself from tearing the animal out of your careful grip...
* * *
Later, after settling the business with Quadrotriticale, Klingons, and Tribbles and back on our assigned course, you walked me in silence to my quarters.
Suddenly feeling nervous without knowing the cause, I turned my head to watch your face. Your features gave nothing away - as usual, but I just *knew* something bothered you.
Also knowing you would speak to me when you were ready, I used your preoccupation and let my gaze travel over your body, admiring the sight - like every time. I love the way you walk, supple and elegant, like a cat. Sometimes I really expected you to flick a tail behind you...
I felt myself grinning like a maniac as this thought crossed my mind again. Actually I was more interested in another - and not only imaginary - part of your anatomy. Not to say... obsessed...
Living in the close quarters of a space ship and shared accommodations during diverse missions had left no room for speculation. I've seen you naked at more than one opportunity. And these memories fuelled my fantasies to pure agony. Countless nights I woke in darkness - panting, belly and thighs smeared with come, my fingers clutched around my spent cock. Your name on my lips.
At least I prevented these erotic dreams from invading my days, too. Most times. This day... I failed.
We arrived at the door to my rooms and I was sure you would be able to hear the too fast beat of my heart. I asked you to come in for a game of... chess... and you agreed.
* * *
Settled at the opposite sides of the table, the chessboard between us, we started to play. However, my mind was not on the game. Instead I found my eyes glued to your hands again. I admired the way you held the chess piece in your long, elegant fingers.
Everything about you seemed to provoke me... the way you walked, talked, a shared meal, as well as a gaze across the bridge... You - bent over the viewer at your station or that intriguing cocked eyebrow - gave me a hard-on every time I looked at you.
I even got a flicker of the fire inside you during your pon farr. But after I coerced you into revealing your state to me, you declined my offer to be the one to sate the mating drive.
To say I was pissed off would be an understatement, I was downright furious. You informed me coolly about your *wife* waiting to serve you on Vulcan. And I hated her. Hated you...
Later - after our arrival on your home world, the challenge and my *death* - I went to you. It was deep in ships night and we were back on course to Altair. We would even make it in time for the main festival.
I entered your dimly lit quarters after using my override code at the door to find you obviously sound asleep in your bed.
Quietly I shed my clothes and kneeled beside you.
For a minute I just listened to your steady breath, then bent my head to kiss you...
You jerked your face away - just a moment before I could touch your lips.
One of your hands closed around my upper arm - I found imprints of your fingers the next day - the other hit the light button. I gazed into your eyes, black with rage.
You spat the word in my face, shaking me like a terrier would a rat. Then you pushed me away. I nearly tripped over the edge of the bed with the force of it.
Ice covered the words and I had to swallow against the lump in my throat to force an answer.
"You still need a mate," I insisted, repeating McCoy's suspicions. "The pon farr is not over yet."
"You know nothing of my needs... Captain."
Your tone made my rank an insult, but I didn't care, desperately searching for the right words to convince you.
One supple movement and you kneeled opposite me. I couldn't prevent my eyes from traversing your naked body.
You were aroused...
I lifted my head to meet your gaze. "Please let me help you." I wasn't above begging anymore. "I can't lose you."
Anyway - this was definitely not a time for words. I summoned every bit of courage and approached you again. Prepared to do whatever necessary to convince you...
I pressed my hand to your chest, combing my fingers through the hair until I found one of your nipples. I stroke the hard nub with the pad of my thumb and elicited a moan from you.
I grew more confident and slid my free hand over your belly to brush over your cock.
The next moment I found myself sprawled on the floor. My shoulder, my entire right side, hurt from the hard impact on the floor.
"Get out of here!"
I sat up to look at you. "But..."
"I will deal with this in my own way, Captain. And now would you PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE."
Of course you did not scream the words but it wasn't necessary either.
I got off the floor, grabbed my clothes, and escaped through our shared bathroom.
Somehow you lived through pon farr. I never knew how. I never dared to ask.
After some awkwardness we resumed a satisfactory working relationship. I had my dependable first officer back.
And the *only* thing lost in that night was our close friendship.
* * *
I forced my wandering thoughts back to the present and our game. But as I lifted my head, I found your eyes on me.
Unreadable, guarded, dark. And I yearned to see flames in them again. Even if this fire would consume me, I wouldn't care.
You broke the gaze to move a figure on the chessboard.
I spared a glance for your move, made my response, and squirmed a little in my chair. My arousal made me uncomfortable.
You seemed not to notice.
I knew you wouldn't. You made it very clear from the beginning that you had no interest in *human affairs*. So why should you bother with my... infatuation.
Suddenly the silence was too much to bear and I opened my mouth without any idea what to say.
You lifted your head at the wishful sound of my voice.
Again, our eyes locked. And this time... I saw raw desire flaring in your gaze.
* * *
The very air seemed to crackle between us as you rose to your feet. Passing around the table, you stood next to my chair, still silent, still unreadable. Near enough for me to feel the heat radiating off your body.
I shifted to face you.
Your hand tipped my head back and your lips claimed mine.
It was... unbelievable. I had imagined this over a thousand nights and never came near to the real thing.
Your lips - hot, soft, but demanding. Your tongue invaded my mouth and I revelled in your taste. Drowning in sensations you evoked in me...
I did not protest as you dragged me to my feet to steer me in the direction of my bed.
* * *
You pushed me down and I sat on the edge of the bed; the bulge in your pants directly in front of me.
I dared to reach out and draw my fingers over the swelling beneath the black material, to feel you shiver.
"Undress." It was a cool order; it was a hoarse plea.
I opened the fastening of my wraparound tunic and shrugged out of it. Then I bent to remove my boots and socks. As I lifted my head again, my cheek brushed your erection, still covered with cloth.
For a moment, I searched your eyes, silently asking for permission. I received a nod and started to open the fly of your pants, releasing your straining cock from the confining underwear too.
I licked my lips, staring at your huge, greenish, magnificent cock. Clear fluid already gathered at its tip.
"Undress me further."
Now it was just a harsh order. I didn't care but complied, pushed your pants down, then got off the bed to kneel down and undid your boots as you lifted your feet.
I ripped away my own pants and your shirt.
Then I returned to my earlier seat on the edge of the bed and drew you near, my hands on your hips. I bent my head to lick across the tip of your cock, savoured the weeping fluid. You tasted... incredible, addictive.
I opened my mouth to take you in and nearly lost it. Velvet skin over steel, the pulsing of the blood beneath, the heat, filled my senses, nearly made me come.
Your hands came around my face to urge me on.
I drew back to tease my tongue between the double ridges and was rewarded with a low moan from you. I licked along the length of your cock, before I settled to suck you in earnest.
Slowly I slid one hand from your hip between your spread legs to massage your balls.
I felt you shudder and stiffen, then you spilled your seed down my throat.
Your hands gripped me hard, almost painfully and you thrust a last time in my mouth before you released me.
* * *
I was pushed back to lie flat on my back.
You straddled me then, rubbing your hot, furred abdomen, your still erect cock against me. I couldn't prevent a helpless, strangled scream of pleasure, the sensations so intense it was almost painful.
I arched against you as I felt your hands tighten around my shoulders, your fingers digging deep into my skin. And came, needing no further stimulation.
Before I had time to draw another breath, you turned me on my belly.
Your fingers parted my buttocks and I flinched as your hot tongue stroked down the crevice between the cheeks to circle around the hidden orifice.
I couldn't help but to push back as the tip of your tongue broke the tight
ring of muscles.
A hot hand sneaked beneath me to stroke my already again stiffening cock as you replaced your tongue with a single finger to stretch the opening further.
Sweat poured off my body, made my skin slick and easier for you to insert a second finger.
Your fingertips brushed the tender spot deep inside me and I bucked back to impale myself deeper. But it was not enough.
My voice was a hoarse whisper, my plea cutting through the heavy silence surrounding us.
Your fingers were withdrawn and I felt you positioning your cock at the entrance to my body, still wet with our mingled seed and saliva and pre-come...
I bit back a scream as you shoved your cock inside me without further preparation.
There was pain, yes. But I didn't care, just pushed back, and impaled myself more on the hard shaft.
You plunged deep into me, crushing the breath from me. Your hand on my cock made me squirm from the double stimulation.
Something tugged at the periphery of my mind and then I felt you enter my thoughts as well. But I couldn't care less. It seemed right...
I felt like I'd tumbled into a sea of flames. And lost every awareness of anything else besides your powerful thrusts.
I thought I would die from the intense pleasure.
Your hands gripped my hips and you lifted me to my knees, without ever breaking your rhythm.
It didn't take much longer and I came again, my face pressed in the sweat soaked pillow to muffle my helpless scream.
Seconds later I felt you stiffen and your seed fill.
* * *
The hammering of my heart slowly diminished and I rolled to my side, facing you.
You were stretched out on your back, your chest heaving.
For a moment I just watched your face.
Eyes closed, lips parted, your features strangely empty.
I spooned my beaten body close to yours, revelling in your heat and the feel of your arms, closing around me. Then sleep claimed me.
* * *
I woke alone in bed, the room empty but for myself. My head throbbed and for a moment I didn't know where I was. The room seemed... odd, strange - colours and light, all wrong...
I blinked several times to clear my vision and brushed my damp hair back. Last night... I... just what had happened?
Last night... you!
My memory snapped back in order. Yeah, something had happened to feel strange afterwards... I surprised myself with a happy chuckle. Thinking your name as if I could call you up this way, like a lovesick teenager.
I stretched my body and arched my back. A certain soreness and some other slight pains finally convinced me of the reality of the previous night.
No fantasy could have been this incredible.
Absentmindedly I wiped at the dried semen on the inside of my leg. And decided a shower was needed foremost. After this, I would seek you.
* * *
Twenty minutes later, I entered your quarters through our shared bathroom. My headache had lessened and the hot shower had taken care of the other hurts.
To say I was in a good mood... I felt jubilant, nearly bristling with joy. The fulfilment of my dreams in reach.
And I would teach you to stay in my bed *all* night...
* * *
It was still early enough for an abundant breakfast before we had to show up on the bridge.
You knelt on the floor as I approached you, facing the fire shrine you used for meditation.
I touched your shoulder. Now, dressed and proper as always, it was hard to imagine you as you had been last night. Black hair mussed, a faint sheen of sweat on your flustered face, your lips kiss-swollen and...
You got to your feet, shrugging off my hand briskly.
And I thought you might be embarrassed...
"Hey, everything all right." I said soothingly. "Good morning, love."
"Please refrain from touching me, Captain." Your voice flat, almost lifeless...
It hurt. But I still thought you just might need time to get used to the idea of us together.
"Spock, listen..." the words died on my lips as I met your eyes. As dark and cold as in the night after our departure from Vulcan...
The headache was back to full force and I had to swallow against the lump in my throat.
"I wanted... wanted to invite you to breakfast," I finally said.
"Breakfast would be agreeable."
You turned to walk the short distance to the door and I couldn't stop my eyes from travelling along the length of your back.
As if you felt my gaze you stopped and turned to look at me, disapproval evident in your features.
For the first time I felt like I'd made a mistake.
* * *
We had breakfast in the officers' mess, not the quiet, intimate meal in either my or your quarters I had in mind as I went to you.
We didn't talk much, you just previewed shortly the daily routine, like we usually did at breakfast.
I sipped at my coffee and tried to pay attention to your words.
But my mind reeled and so I excused myself soon and rather curtly and went to visit sickbay to take care of that headache.
* * *
I had hoped McCoy wouldn't be there at that early hour - but he was.
He spotted me almost at once and nearly dragged me into his office.
"Sit down," he ordered. "You look awful, Jim."
"You're not quite a sight for tired eyes yourself, Bones." Instead of the teasing words I had meant to say, they sounded more like a desperate whisper.
I cleared my throat as I saw his eyes narrow. "I just need something against a headache," I managed, this time in a nearly normal voice.
I braced myself for an argument, but he just turned and took a vial from a
"Two a day, not more. And I mean it, Jim."
With a nod I got to my feet, nodded my thanks, and was on my way to the door, glad he'd let me off the hook this lightly.
"He told you, right?"
His words stopped me dead. I swallowed and turned slowly. "Told me what?" I never even bothered to ask to whom he referred. We both knew anyway.
McCoy crossed his arms in front of his chest, shaking his head. "Won't you sit down?" he asked more gently.
"I'm due on the bridge in 15 minutes." I was not sure *if* I wanted to continue with this strange discussion.
"Look, I already know about it. After that... mess... on Vulcan I put in a request for an exchange of medical files. That's how I figured it out..." He suddenly stopped as he took a closer look at my face. "Jim?"
I slowly shook my head as if to get rid of a dream. "What the hell are you talking about, McCoy?"
I saw him swallow.
"Look Jim, there is really no problem. I mean, he'll be fine, you'll be fine. His parents will be delighted."
Something in my face obviously gave me away, because he blushed furiously. "He didn't talk to you." It was no question. "Damn."
He sat down, shuffling nervously through a pile of papers on his desk. "Then I suggest you talk to Spock first, Captain," he said tensely. "I assumed... he said he would talk to you last night."
"I want to know what you assumed. What's Spock have to tell me?" I saw him flinch as I asked, my voice cold, demanding an answer.
As he kept his silence, I reached for the Intercom. His hand came down on mine to prevent it.
"Don't call Spock down! If he didn't talk with you..."
"I don't want to call down Spock," I cut him off. "I'm just informing him about him having the con. I think this will be a somewhat longer discussion than I expected."
McCoy didn't look at me while I made the necessary arrangements with the bridge. Spock didn't even sound surprised as I informed him.
* * *
I settled down in the same chair as before and waited for him to continue.
McCoy didn't look up as he talked, his voice flat. "There is a... mental link... between you and him. When I pressed him after the pon farr for information, he enlightened me eventually. He said, he would talk with you 'if the necessity arises'..."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
The CMO shrugged. "He asked me to leave it to him. He..."
"What?" I asked as he failed to continue.
"He seemed to know how you would react to this."
"Did he?" How would I have reacted? I almost laughed. Maybe he feared I would jump his bones...
"Well, he's your lover, one would assume he knows..." McCoy stopped.
I felt myself going pale first, then blush. With anger. "Did he say that?"
"Well, not directly. I've just taken it... its common knowledge aboard."
I got up and gripped the back of my chair to prevent my hands from smashing something. "How long has this been going on? How long has there been gossip about Spock and me?" My voiced sounded surprisingly calm.
McCoy mumbled something.
"I said almost two years," he snapped.
"Bones - Spock and I haven't been lovers... until last night."
McCoy gazed at me. I could see he didn't believe me.
"Jim, look you don't have to..."
But I cut him off. "I think we can talk about this later. I have to see Spock now."
With this I turned and left his office.
* * *
I felt the startled gazes of my bridge officers; I'd never before used this tone to talk to Spock.
You slowly turned, your vulcan mask firmly in place. "Yes, Captain?"
"We need to talk. Now." It never occurred to me to wait until shift was over. "Sulu, you have the con." I hardly waited for his acknowledgement, but strode into the lift, you trailing behind me.
I led us into a small briefing room nearby. The door firmly locked behind us I turned to you.
You stood in your usual manner, your hands behind your back, one eyebrow cocked.
I approached you till I was near enough to kiss you... or to hit you.
"Why didn't you tell me? Spock, how dare you to keep this from me?"
You met my angry gaze with calm, dark eyes. "May I inquire..."
"About your link with me."
"Ah, I see. The good doctor obviously knows how to keep confidences." Your voice cool, unimpressed - even a bit sarcastic.
"Spock... Spock, why didn't you tell me?"
"The necessity did not arise."
"Necessity?" I knew I sounded like a babbling idiot, but you shocked me with your indifferent manner.
"Yes. Of course I would have informed you previous to the onset of my next pon farr."
I felt my anger rise even more. "Oh, would you have, wouldn't you?" I backed up from you, needing the distance to think more clearly. "Okay, we'll skip this for a moment. What about last night?"
Your eyebrows disappeared nearly into black bangs. "Captain?"
"Why did you screw me last night?" I saw you flinch as I used the crude word, but your face revealed only a mild amusement.
"I would not use this term. However, I perceived your strong emotions towards my person and your increasing unease for quite some time. To fulfil your desire seemed to be the best way to assist you in this."
I couldn't stop myself from laughing about your calm, matter-of-fact statement. I felt like going insane.
"Did you find my performance unsatisfactory?"
This went through me like a knife. The bitter laughter died on my lips and I had to swallow. "No," I nearly couldn't recognise my own voice. "No, as usual you've acted flawlessly." My sarcasm didn't seem to make any impression on you.
You nodded. "It was my pleasure, Captain."
Something inside of me tore at your answer. "Yes, it surely was." Again I approached you, but your next words stopped me at a steps distance.
"Captain, I would like to explain."
I just nodded, not daring my voice.
And then you made it very clear that it would be impossible for you to maintain a professional as well as personal relationship at the same time with me. The still unsolved imbalance between your vulcan and your human half prevented you from entering into an emotional commitment. Nevertheless, you acknowledged the attraction between us which had lead to the past night and a certain curiosity to explore its depth further.
"If this is all, Captain? I would like to return to my station."
Your words startled me from the trance-like state I had been during your explanation. "Yes, of course," I managed. "Dismissed."
I watched you disappear through the door. I reached blindly for the next chair and sat down heavily.
* * *
Something inside of me died that day. We worked together, we played chess, shared meals - like in the past.
I still had to fight surges of arousal while you were near and still found myself watching your every move from time to time.
But every time you approached me... I remembered our talk in the small briefing room and declined your offer.
* * *
Somehow we lived through the years to the end of the five-year mission. We returned to Earth.
The Enterprise would be refitted for a second mission. I was glad about the break. The refit would take several months, maybe a year. During that time I accepted promotion to Admiral and agreed to work in HQ.
Some days after our arrival on Earth you came to me.
"I need to inform you about a decision I have to make," you said as we were settled in the living room of my apartment. "Concerning the further path of my life."
I just nodded and took a sip from my drink. This was the first time we'd been truly alone with each other.
"My father asked me to return to Vulcan to embrace my vulcan heritage and to follow him into his ambassadorship."
I nearly choked on my drink. But I gestured for you to continue.
"The other choice I have is to stay on Earth and accept the post at the science department Admiral Nogura offered to me this morning. This would present an opportunity to explore my human side more thoroughly."
"And what do you want from me?" I did nothing to hide that I didn't understand.
"Jim. I would prefer to stay on Earth." Your words more gentle than any I'd ever heard from you. "With you. I think I am now able to provide you with the emotional relationship you required from me."
"So you think..." I had to fight the suppressed desire and even love for you. And the urge to accept your offer without a second thought. To have you at my side. In my bed...
"Of course in this case I won't be able to return to the Enterprise as your first officer."
"What?" This brought me back fast. "Why not?"
Jim, I will still not be able to handle an emotional relationship with you and maintain a professional one at the same time. If I allow myself to feel strongly, I am not sure I could put my duty ahead of you. I could not accept the risks you often took in the past."
* * *
And I... I declined your offer. I parted with the possibility of having you as my lover and mate in favour of having you as my first officer. I needed the ship, my command, more than you in my bed. Or so I made myself believe.
* // * // * // * // * // *
And in the end I have nothing. You went off to your home world to embrace your Vulcan heritage and I stayed at HQ.
Two days ago I received news about Decker's promotion to Captain. His first command will be the Enterprise. My ship... lost to me. Like you. And I torture myself with what could have been...