Title: Who I am...
Author: Lady
Charena
Series: A/R-TOS,
post-STIV
Rating: NC-17
Codes: K/S,
POV K
Feedback: Yes,
sure. <LadyCharena@aol.com>
Summary: Love - is said - to overcome all, even
death. But pain, doubts and insecurity?
Note: Be warned - this is another of my
"no-happy-ending"-stories. K/S split up in this and I really don't
know if they'll find a way back after I'm done with them.
Every change in time (memories) is marked * // * // * // *
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek.
This story is mine and only fanfiction. No moneymaking or offence of copyrights
is intended. If you are under age or have a problem with homosexuality, please
stay away.
English is not my native language, please be
patient with any mistakes. My deepest gratitude to Lisa for beta. For remaining
errors, blame me.
Who I am...
***************
by Lady Charena
Nov. 2000/Nov. 2001
I cannot believe you're actually doing this.
Not after all we shared tonight. But I should have thought better, having known
you all these years.
I am sorry, as I've already said. And I don't
know what more I could possibly say.
For too short a time we were together
again... one... and you - with your love, your trust, your
gentle passions - banished the awful emptiness from my soul.
Till I destroyed your trust, belittled your
love, denied your passion... none for the first time.
I feel like weeping, watching you pack the few
belongings you carried with you this afternoon. As I still thought you'd stay
with me forever.
But I can't cry... it would be too much like
admitting weakness.
Instead I reach again for my glass, down the
last remains of brandy. The liquid trails fire down my throat, a burning I'm
strangely grateful for. Because it reminds me that I'm still alive, still
breathing - still... hurt. It prevents me from degrading myself again by
begging you to stay with me, to talk to me, to... what? What do I expect after
tonight's events? A kiss to make up and everything will be all right again?
I watch your stiff back, turned to me. Every
elegant, efficient movement of your slender, graceful body. As you bend to
retrieve one of your shoes - I've thrown it away as I undressed you earlier -
the material of your pants tightens over your buttocks. Even now I feel my cock
harden.
I hate myself.
* * *
I didn't expect you to show up in my apartment
this evening. Or at all, to be honest.
You kept yourself apart from me, ever since our
return from Vulcan. Since your miraculous, wonderful, unbelievable return to
life. Following Sarek's and McCoy's advice, I left you alone during your
re-education. Painful as it was. All I wanted to do was to throw my arms around
you and never let go again. But I couldn't. It would have been too early, too
distracting, too... I don't know. Or so I was informed. Maybe *you* didn't want
to see me.
There was a healer at the Vulcan embassy you
wanted to visit that afternoon for a last check-up before we were to leave for
Yosemite the next day. You still lacked
a great deal of memory.
Shore leave was granted for all non-essential
personal during the necessary refit of the Enterprise-A after her 'maiden
flight'. And for the first time I did not object to be considered
'non-essential'. You accepted my invitation to share shore leave in Yosemite
along with Bones and me. Nothing else mattered.
So I thought it was Bones, as the door chimed
earlier this evening. Or Scotty, or one of the others.
But it was you. YOU!
For a moment, I didn't know how to react. You
seemed so aloof, so... cold. I felt scared. Like I felt ever since I found you
bleeding, dying - parted from me through a glass wall, so I couldn't reach you.
Like ever since you broke the bond between us to save my life. Or at least to
save this sorry excuse of a lonely, barren existence without you.
"Good evening, Jim."
Your voice... my heart stumbled at the sound of
your beloved voice, caressing my name like no other ever had. Only you. Only
you...
"May I come in?"
'So calm.' My mind in turmoil, I just nodded
and stepped back to allow you entry.
* // * // * // * // *
We both lived in my... this... apartment, years
ago, after the end of the five-year-mission, and during my promotion to HQ and
yours to the head of the science department.
After nearly two years of being an admiral
without any real importance, just a decorative figure for Nogura, I'd become
heartily sick of it all.
I was bored, disgusted with the politics in
Fleet Command. I wanted to command a ship, not attend endless meetings about
budgets.
Of course, my dissatisfaction bled over into
our private life. Suddenly I found myself trapped in our relationship,
restlessly bouncing against borders only I could feel. Like a caged animal. Bad
example. You never did anything to give me this impression - but neither did
you do anything to discourage it.
I started to attend parties again, something I
ceased to do in the past in order to spend as much free time as possible with
you.
You started to work late nights in your office.
I danced and laughed, flirted and kissed,
drowning my restlessness in meaningless encounters with strangers.
You never asked where I had been, or with whom,
when I returned in the morning. Granting me a freedom I never really desired.
We never promised to keep our relationship
exclusive. Well, not with words spoken aloud. But I never considered being
unfaithful before. I craved only you, body and mind, heart and soul. And I
thought it would be like this forever.
At this time, we had not yet been bonded. There
was just a link between us, a minor bond lovers shared.
You taught me years ago to how to shield my
thoughts. And I've learned my lessons well. Every time I was with another, I
closed my mind to you.
* * *
One night I was talking animatedly with a
handsome young man at some reception. He showed no aversion to my proposition
and I knew I would bed him tonight. Till... he excused himself to look for a
refill of our drinks and I saw Lori Ciani. I had met her before - but only as
another Admiral in HQ.
That night I got to know the passionate woman
behind the rank.
It had been years since I was interested like
this in a woman. You weren't my first male lover, but before I met you, I used
to cultivate a carefully exaggerated reputation as a "womaniser".
I spent the entire night with her and the
following day. And sometimes I even forgot to shield myself...
* * *
As I left her, I was exhausted, nursing the
mother of all hangovers and loathing myself for hurting you this way. Angry
about you, for letting me do it to you.
You were sitting behind your desk as I entered
your office, your eyes trained on the screen.
"Spock?" I asked quietly, hating the
miserable sound of my voice.
There was a too long moment of silence. Then,
"Yes, Jim." Not a question...
"I..." You looked at me - and I
didn't know what to say. The silver-tongued, famous Captain of the Enterprise,
known for his superior talent for squirming himself out of every tricky
situation, was at a total loss of words. "Spock..." Words wouldn't
have changed anything about the situation. But maybe if I just could explain
why...
I reached for you - both with hand and mind. As
I touched your shoulder, there was a brief contact and a wave of disgust, pain
and anger flooded me across our link. I stumbled back - mentally and physically
- the contact lost and along with it every trace of your feelings. Your face
revealed nothing.
I tried to say something and got instead
terribly sick. I just made it in time to the bathroom, before my stomach seemed
to try climbing out of my body.
After I rinsed my mouth thoroughly, brushed my
teeth, cleaned up and shrugged out of my clothes, I wrapped myself in a robe
and went back to your office. It was empty.
I went to our bedroom, increasingly losing the
fight against dizziness and exhaustion. We could talk later; first I needed a
few hours of sleep. Then I would nurse your - of course justifiably - hurt
feelings and we could make up.
This sure I was of your love, your
forgiveness...
But then I saw you sitting on the edge of the
bed, naked. Your head bent as if in prayer - or in pain. Waiting for me.
Desire flamed in my belly, spreading through my
entire body, chasing away every trace of exhaustion I had felt just the moment
before.
I shrugged out of my robe, leaving it behind me
on the floor, as I approached you.
You lifted your head.
I knew you would see the marks left from *her*
teeth and lips, trails from *her* nails, which she used to dig into my skin
when orgasm claimed her. Maybe even smell her in spite of the shower I took
before I left her.
But I couldn't imagine your reaction.
You grabbed my arms and pushed me down on the
bed, flat on my back to straddle me. Your eyes black with desire and anger. It only
aroused me more; your strength - and your taking the lead in our lovemaking
always excited me.
You've always been a gentle, considerate lover,
so there was nothing to fear. I pulled your head down for a kiss and was
delighted as your lips met mine with a rare - but welcomed - hunger.
You shoved my hands aside, deepening the kiss,
taking over control. Your tongue invaded my mouth with a startling urgency, as
you thrust your abdomen against mine. I arched my back, hungry to feel your
hardness against my erection. But I met an unexpected softness...
I slid my hands between our bodies, down over
your belly and into your pubic hair. You weren't aroused. Feeling my touch, you
started to thrust almost desperately against my hand as I started to stroke your
soft cock.
But your body failed you. I mean, you're a
Vulcan with superior control over your body and still you couldn't get erect.
This was... I watched your face - distorted as if in pain, eyes closed, lips
parted.
Silence surrounded us, till I couldn't stand it
anymore. "Spock."
This seemed to cut through whatever spell held
you. With a strangled moan you released me, rolled from me to lay curled up on
your side, your back turned to me.
For an eternity, I gazed at your back, listened
to the ragged sound of your breath. I dared not to touch you or to try to talk
to you. I just... waited.
And waited too long. I slept some, exhaustion
finally taking over. And when I woke you were gone.
* * *
So I lost you for the first time. You resigned
your work at the science department, booked a seat in one of the regular
shuttles to Vulcan and left Earth the same day. All this in the few hours I
slept.
Of course I followed you to Vulcan, even to
Gol. But there was no response to my demands, my pleas.
It took three years and the near destruction of
Earth to bring you back to me.
* // * // * // * // *
You're gone again. Without a word.
I remember that I wanted to ask you to bond
with me again tonight. Before things went wrong.
It hurts. More than I thought possible.
You're gone.
I rise to refill my glass, but the bottle is
empty. Surely there is another, somewhere, but I... I... better go back to bed,
I think. I shrug off my robe, leaving it on the floor.
You're gone.
The scent of your skin still lingers. I can
press my face into the pillow and smell you. I can wrap the blanket around my
chilled body and imagine your warmth.
You're gone.
I close my eyes.
* // * // * // * // *
After V'ger brought you back to me, I was...
unsure how to approach you. We both pretended to be friends. The friends we'd
never been - we were lovers from the moment our eyes met for the first time,
even if we prowled around each other for nearly half a year.
You had already stated you wouldn't return to
Vulcan. Nogura had promised a second five-year-mission for the Enterprise under
my command. I was free to choose my crew. And I wanted you... as least as my
first and science officer.
The night after our return to Earth, I went to your
temporary quarters in one of the spacedock hotels. They're really not very
inviting and I wondered why you decided to stay there.
My eyes travelled down the grey corridor as I
waited to gain entry.
"Admiral." Your calm voice startled
me - even if I had yearned for years to hear it again.
"Spock, may I..." touch you, please,
kiss you, love you... "...come in?"
"Of course."
The next moment I followed you into the small
room - and started my carefully arranged plan to seduce you.
I brushed your shoulder as I passed through the
door - and your knee as I sat down next to you on the worn sofa. You gave the
impression that you didn't notice. But I had been your lover for more than five
years... I saw the rising tension in your body while I talked about a second
mission and about luring McCoy back aboard.
"Spock?" You lifted your head to gaze
at me, but avoided my eyes. "Will you come back aboard the Enterprise? As
my..." t'hy'la, lover, mate, anything - everything... "...first
officer?"
"Admiral I do not believe that would be
wise."
Your words startled me. I was prepared for a
'yes', a 'no', a request for time, hell, I even thought about logical
arguments. "What do you mean?" I asked, my throat suddenly very dry.
You met my eyes for the first time since my
arrival in these quarters. "Would it not be..." you touched my cheek,
"...embarrassing, if your first officer..." you brought your face to
mine, so I could feel your breath on my lips, "...were to kiss the
Admiral?" And you did it.
"As long as you behave yourself on the
bridge," I whispered, as we had to come up for air. "You did in the
past." I slid my fingers through your silken hair; suddenly scared this
would be a dream, a fantasy. "Kissed an Admiral, I mean."
"I will."
"Spock, this sounds like a..." Your
lips closed my mouth and I couldn't get enough of you, your taste, your smell,
your body in my arms, pressed to mine.
We never made it to the bed; I took you right
down on the floor and buried myself in your heat.
* * *
I thought you were asleep, but suddenly you
stirred and turned around to face me. The light was dimmed, but I could read
every thought in your eyes.
"Why?" I asked. "Why now?"
You reached for me, a fingertip outlined my
lips. "Because V'ger taught me how... precious... feelings are. And
because my failure in achieving the Kolinahr taught me what I really
desired."
"And what is your desire, Spock?" I
had to ask.
"You."
I had to close my eyes to fight against a
sudden urge to weep. "Spock, I am so sorry. What I did..."
"...is in the past. Kaiidth." Your
finger rested across my lips. "Jim, will you bond with me?"
The fire of our love burned higher than ever
before.
* * *
I should have known it was too easy. There
would be a price to pay for this priceless gift. And I would be the one to pay
it.
But in the end, it was you. Like always - you.
* // * // *
// * // *
You got
your memories back.
It took a
moment to digest this news. I got to my feet, crossed the room and poured myself
a drink. First things first. "You remember everything?" I asked
tensely.
You nodded.
I put my
untouched glass on the table as I passed by and went to my knees in front of
you. "Do you still..." I found it hard to say the words through the
lump in my throat. "Do you still love me, Spock?" It was the only
thing I could think of.
You looked
at me with those dark, unreadable eyes... and I saw my answer in the shy smile
crossing your lips.
"Jim.
T'hy'la - I never stopped."
You pulled
me to my feet, as you got up. Our lips met in a first, and at the beginning,
tentative kiss. My mind whirled. To feel you in my arms again, to breathe your
scent, your heat seared through the fabric of my clothes, where your body
touched mine. It was like falling... it was like flying... it was like dying.
Your arms around my waist were the only things preventing me from breaking down
on my knees.
Somehow we
made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind us on the floor. You
lifted and placed me into the middle of the bed, looking down on me.
I lay there
sprawled, legs parted, cock hard and run a teasing hand down my chest, my
belly. "Everything where you remember it to be?"
Again there
was this smile in the corner of your mouth. And in your eyes... black, pupils
dilated. "Yes, t'hy'la."
I waited
for so long to hear this...
The next
thing I knew was your touch, your lips on my throat. All I could do was to grab
your head and hold on as you kissed your way down my body. One of your hands
sneaking between my legs, to part them further, a fingertip brushing, circling
the hidden entrance.
I've
thought for so long of having you inside me again - but then I refused you. I
rolled us over till I covered your entire body.
"Let
me..." take you, possess you, punish you for leaving me alone...
"...please you," I whispered, without looking at your face.
"Yes,"
you whispered, your voice hoarse with passion.
I always
liked drive you so far that you start to lose control - over your voice, crying
out my name, moaning. Over your then unguarded face, showing your need, your
desire, your love. And your body, twisting and trembling beneath mine, open,
vulnerable.
I slid my
hands down your sides, outlining the body so familiar to me, while I claimed your
lips. Your taste... I'll never get tired of tasting you. I rubbed myself
against your hardness. So hot... The touch of your hands, roaming over my back,
my arms, burning me.
Eternity
spent in your embrace would not be enough to satisfy my yearning for you.
You held
yourself open, as I inserted first one lubricated finger into the hot tightness
of your body, then added a second, a third. You moaned and bucked against my
hand, as my fingertips brushed over your prostate. How I loved this sound...
I coated my
cock with more lubricant. I bent my head to lick across the head of your penis,
to taste you, to feel you tremble against my lips. Then moved to cover your
open mouth with mine. Slowly I withdrew my fingers and entered you. A silent
cry vibrated against my lips, your nails dug into my shoulders as you arched
towards me, impaling yourself deeper.
I stopped,
buried deep inside you, to lift my head and watch your face. Your eyes closed,
you wore a look of utter concentration as if you intended to memorise every
touch, every sound.
And for a
moment, I wasn't able to remember anything other than the burning as the bond
was ripped from my mind. Odd moment to think about this... feeling you alive
and aroused beneath me.
Then you
opened your eyes. And I forgot the pain of the past.
Your legs
around my waist urged me to move and I started to thrust. I couldn't stop to
watch your face, wanted not wanting to miss the one moment when you would lose
control completely.
I closed my
fingers around your penis, started to milk you with my thrusts. Suddenly it was
all that mattered - to make you come. Come for me.
* // * // *
// * // *
Another
mission ended and I was promoted anew to HQ. Hell, I couldn't do anything to
prevent it. So I told myself to be tired of adventures, of the dangers, of the
joys.
You
accepted a post at the Academy. I know you always loved being a teacher.
I thought
us to be content, even happy.
Still I
envied you for being the one who could take the Enterprise to the stars, even if
it was for a mere training cruise.
And then
there was one training cruise I could join you.
The first
night aboard we had dinner on the observation deck. We ate in silence, the
stars around us whispering of serenity and belonging. But all I could feel was
anger at being separated from what I considered my legitimate place - in the
centre seat of a ship.
Later we
made love... no, that's not the right word... I took you spread-eagled, your
face against the wall, in your quarters. I took you in anger and lust and out
of a need to command, to possess.
You just
held me afterwards in your embrace.
And then...
there was Khan. And suddenly I was alone, you were dead, the bond gone.
I never
knew how I lived through the days after, made all the right (or so I hoped)
decisions. Somehow I made it back to Earth without breaking down. Without
shedding a tear for you. I was numb inside, empty. I was... dead.
The first
night alone in our apartment I lost it. I broke down, cried for you till there
were no tears left. I slept in your office, curled up on the floor, one of your
robes clutched to my chest. I could still smell your unique scent, lingering in
the velvet fabric.
I started
to grieve for you, to yearn for you. And after a while, I even started to hate
you. Because you left me. Deserted me. Broke our bond, which was supposed to
take me with you in case of your death.
Then there
was another night: Sarek's visit and the news he brought to me.
* // * // *
// * // *
You came,
thrusting in my hand, hot seed spilling over my fingers. I watched your face,
distorted with pleasure. It was enough to push me over the edge, too.
I came to
lay next to you, a boneless heap of flesh. As you put your arms around me, I felt
like crying and hid my face against your neck.
And you
whispered, "I love you."
You'd never
done that before. I always 'knew' it, but you never spoke it aloud.
It made me
furious.
I stumbled
out of bed, gazed down on you, sprawled relaxed on the bed, your face so calm,
so open - and felt nothing but rage.
And then I
accused you of being here in my - our - bed out of mere gratitude or a sense of
misplaced friendship. I denied the love you confessed a moment ago. Hell, I
think I'll never know where that came from.
You scared
me to death.
Slowly you
got up and came to me, searching my gaze. "Jim, what... I never..."
Something in my face or maybe my eyes stopped you. I could clearly see your
insecurity.
I knew -
your newborn feelings struggled still with the teachings you received on Vulcan
during your re-education. And I did nothing to help you. Instead, I started to
yell my accusations - *You* left me. *You* broke our bond. *You* denied every
moment of nearness, every feeling of affection, of love between us, during the
time after your fal tor pan and the voyage in Earth's past, when my own
insecurities took over. When I was weak and yearned for your strength.
* * *
Now you're
gone. I know - after everything I said
tonight, I may have lost you forever. But there are still doubts nagging - why
did you break our bond, why didn't you love me enough to take me with you?
-End-