Title: Who I am...

Author: Lady Charena

Series: A/R-TOS, post-STIV

Rating: NC-17

Codes: K/S, POV K

Feedback: Yes, sure. <LadyCharena@aol.com>

Summary: Love - is said - to overcome all, even death. But pain, doubts and insecurity?

Note: Be warned - this is another of my "no-happy-ending"-stories. K/S split up in this and I really don't know if they'll find a way back after I'm done with them.

Every change in time (memories) is marked * // * // * // *

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. This story is mine and only fanfiction. No moneymaking or offence of copyrights is intended. If you are under age or have a problem with homosexuality, please stay away.

English is not my native language, please be patient with any mistakes. My deepest gratitude to Lisa for beta. For remaining errors, blame me.

Who I am...

***************

by Lady Charena

Nov. 2000/Nov. 2001

I cannot believe you're actually doing this. Not after all we shared tonight. But I should have thought better, having known you all these years.

I am sorry, as I've already said. And I don't know what more I could possibly say.

For too short a time we were together again... one... and you - with your love, your trust, your gentle passions - banished the awful emptiness from my soul.

Till I destroyed your trust, belittled your love, denied your passion... none for the first time.

I feel like weeping, watching you pack the few belongings you carried with you this afternoon. As I still thought you'd stay with me forever.

But I can't cry... it would be too much like admitting weakness.

Instead I reach again for my glass, down the last remains of brandy. The liquid trails fire down my throat, a burning I'm strangely grateful for. Because it reminds me that I'm still alive, still breathing - still... hurt. It prevents me from degrading myself again by begging you to stay with me, to talk to me, to... what? What do I expect after tonight's events? A kiss to make up and everything will be all right again?

I watch your stiff back, turned to me. Every elegant, efficient movement of your slender, graceful body. As you bend to retrieve one of your shoes - I've thrown it away as I undressed you earlier - the material of your pants tightens over your buttocks. Even now I feel my cock harden.

I hate myself.

* * *

I didn't expect you to show up in my apartment this evening. Or at all, to be honest.

You kept yourself apart from me, ever since our return from Vulcan. Since your miraculous, wonderful, unbelievable return to life. Following Sarek's and McCoy's advice, I left you alone during your re-education. Painful as it was. All I wanted to do was to throw my arms around you and never let go again. But I couldn't. It would have been too early, too distracting, too... I don't know. Or so I was informed. Maybe *you* didn't want to see me.

There was a healer at the Vulcan embassy you wanted to visit that afternoon for a last check-up before we were to leave for Yosemite the next day. You still lacked a great deal of memory.

Shore leave was granted for all non-essential personal during the necessary refit of the Enterprise-A after her 'maiden flight'. And for the first time I did not object to be considered 'non-essential'. You accepted my invitation to share shore leave in Yosemite along with Bones and me. Nothing else mattered.

So I thought it was Bones, as the door chimed earlier this evening. Or Scotty, or one of the others.

But it was you. YOU!

For a moment, I didn't know how to react. You seemed so aloof, so... cold. I felt scared. Like I felt ever since I found you bleeding, dying - parted from me through a glass wall, so I couldn't reach you. Like ever since you broke the bond between us to save my life. Or at least to save this sorry excuse of a lonely, barren existence without you.

"Good evening, Jim."

Your voice... my heart stumbled at the sound of your beloved voice, caressing my name like no other ever had. Only you. Only you...

"May I come in?"

'So calm.' My mind in turmoil, I just nodded and stepped back to allow you entry.

* // * // * // * // *

We both lived in my... this... apartment, years ago, after the end of the five-year-mission, and during my promotion to HQ and yours to the head of the science department.

After nearly two years of being an admiral without any real importance, just a decorative figure for Nogura, I'd become heartily sick of it all.

I was bored, disgusted with the politics in Fleet Command. I wanted to command a ship, not attend endless meetings about budgets.

Of course, my dissatisfaction bled over into our private life. Suddenly I found myself trapped in our relationship, restlessly bouncing against borders only I could feel. Like a caged animal. Bad example. You never did anything to give me this impression - but neither did you do anything to discourage it.

I started to attend parties again, something I ceased to do in the past in order to spend as much free time as possible with you.

You started to work late nights in your office.

I danced and laughed, flirted and kissed, drowning my restlessness in meaningless encounters with strangers.

You never asked where I had been, or with whom, when I returned in the morning. Granting me a freedom I never really desired.

We never promised to keep our relationship exclusive. Well, not with words spoken aloud. But I never considered being unfaithful before. I craved only you, body and mind, heart and soul. And I thought it would be like this forever.

At this time, we had not yet been bonded. There was just a link between us, a minor bond lovers shared.

You taught me years ago to how to shield my thoughts. And I've learned my lessons well. Every time I was with another, I closed my mind to you.

* * *

One night I was talking animatedly with a handsome young man at some reception. He showed no aversion to my proposition and I knew I would bed him tonight. Till... he excused himself to look for a refill of our drinks and I saw Lori Ciani. I had met her before - but only as another Admiral in HQ.

That night I got to know the passionate woman behind the rank.

It had been years since I was interested like this in a woman. You weren't my first male lover, but before I met you, I used to cultivate a carefully exaggerated reputation as a "womaniser".

I spent the entire night with her and the following day. And sometimes I even forgot to shield myself...

* * *

As I left her, I was exhausted, nursing the mother of all hangovers and loathing myself for hurting you this way. Angry about you, for letting me do it to you.

You were sitting behind your desk as I entered your office, your eyes trained on the screen.

"Spock?" I asked quietly, hating the miserable sound of my voice.

There was a too long moment of silence. Then, "Yes, Jim." Not a question...

"I..." You looked at me - and I didn't know what to say. The silver-tongued, famous Captain of the Enterprise, known for his superior talent for squirming himself out of every tricky situation, was at a total loss of words. "Spock..." Words wouldn't have changed anything about the situation. But maybe if I just could explain why...

I reached for you - both with hand and mind. As I touched your shoulder, there was a brief contact and a wave of disgust, pain and anger flooded me across our link. I stumbled back - mentally and physically - the contact lost and along with it every trace of your feelings. Your face revealed nothing.

I tried to say something and got instead terribly sick. I just made it in time to the bathroom, before my stomach seemed to try climbing out of my body.

After I rinsed my mouth thoroughly, brushed my teeth, cleaned up and shrugged out of my clothes, I wrapped myself in a robe and went back to your office. It was empty.

I went to our bedroom, increasingly losing the fight against dizziness and exhaustion. We could talk later; first I needed a few hours of sleep. Then I would nurse your - of course justifiably - hurt feelings and we could make up.

This sure I was of your love, your forgiveness...

But then I saw you sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. Your head bent as if in prayer - or in pain. Waiting for me.

Desire flamed in my belly, spreading through my entire body, chasing away every trace of exhaustion I had felt just the moment before.

I shrugged out of my robe, leaving it behind me on the floor, as I approached you.

You lifted your head.

I knew you would see the marks left from *her* teeth and lips, trails from *her* nails, which she used to dig into my skin when orgasm claimed her. Maybe even smell her in spite of the shower I took before I left her.

But I couldn't imagine your reaction.

You grabbed my arms and pushed me down on the bed, flat on my back to straddle me. Your eyes black with desire and anger. It only aroused me more; your strength - and your taking the lead in our lovemaking always excited me.

You've always been a gentle, considerate lover, so there was nothing to fear. I pulled your head down for a kiss and was delighted as your lips met mine with a rare - but welcomed - hunger.

You shoved my hands aside, deepening the kiss, taking over control. Your tongue invaded my mouth with a startling urgency, as you thrust your abdomen against mine. I arched my back, hungry to feel your hardness against my erection. But I met an unexpected softness...

I slid my hands between our bodies, down over your belly and into your pubic hair. You weren't aroused. Feeling my touch, you started to thrust almost desperately against my hand as I started to stroke your soft cock.

But your body failed you. I mean, you're a Vulcan with superior control over your body and still you couldn't get erect. This was... I watched your face - distorted as if in pain, eyes closed, lips parted.

Silence surrounded us, till I couldn't stand it anymore. "Spock."

This seemed to cut through whatever spell held you. With a strangled moan you released me, rolled from me to lay curled up on your side, your back turned to me.

For an eternity, I gazed at your back, listened to the ragged sound of your breath. I dared not to touch you or to try to talk to you. I just... waited.

And waited too long. I slept some, exhaustion finally taking over. And when I woke you were gone.

* * *

So I lost you for the first time. You resigned your work at the science department, booked a seat in one of the regular shuttles to Vulcan and left Earth the same day. All this in the few hours I slept.

Of course I followed you to Vulcan, even to Gol. But there was no response to my demands, my pleas.

It took three years and the near destruction of Earth to bring you back to me.

* // * // * // * // *

You're gone again. Without a word.

I remember that I wanted to ask you to bond with me again tonight. Before things went wrong.

It hurts. More than I thought possible.

You're gone.

I rise to refill my glass, but the bottle is empty. Surely there is another, somewhere, but I... I... better go back to bed, I think. I shrug off my robe, leaving it on the floor.

You're gone.

The scent of your skin still lingers. I can press my face into the pillow and smell you. I can wrap the blanket around my chilled body and imagine your warmth.

You're gone.

I close my eyes.

* // * // * // * // *

After V'ger brought you back to me, I was... unsure how to approach you. We both pretended to be friends. The friends we'd never been - we were lovers from the moment our eyes met for the first time, even if we prowled around each other for nearly half a year.

You had already stated you wouldn't return to Vulcan. Nogura had promised a second five-year-mission for the Enterprise under my command. I was free to choose my crew. And I wanted you... as least as my first and science officer.

The night after our return to Earth, I went to your temporary quarters in one of the spacedock hotels. They're really not very inviting and I wondered why you decided to stay there.

My eyes travelled down the grey corridor as I waited to gain entry.

"Admiral." Your calm voice startled me - even if I had yearned for years to hear it again.

"Spock, may I..." touch you, please, kiss you, love you... "...come in?"

"Of course."

The next moment I followed you into the small room - and started my carefully arranged plan to seduce you.

I brushed your shoulder as I passed through the door - and your knee as I sat down next to you on the worn sofa. You gave the impression that you didn't notice. But I had been your lover for more than five years... I saw the rising tension in your body while I talked about a second mission and about luring McCoy back aboard.

"Spock?" You lifted your head to gaze at me, but avoided my eyes. "Will you come back aboard the Enterprise? As my..." t'hy'la, lover, mate, anything - everything... "...first officer?"

"Admiral I do not believe that would be wise."

Your words startled me. I was prepared for a 'yes', a 'no', a request for time, hell, I even thought about logical arguments. "What do you mean?" I asked, my throat suddenly very dry.

You met my eyes for the first time since my arrival in these quarters. "Would it not be..." you touched my cheek, "...embarrassing, if your first officer..." you brought your face to mine, so I could feel your breath on my lips, "...were to kiss the Admiral?" And you did it.

"As long as you behave yourself on the bridge," I whispered, as we had to come up for air. "You did in the past." I slid my fingers through your silken hair; suddenly scared this would be a dream, a fantasy. "Kissed an Admiral, I mean."

"I will."

"Spock, this sounds like a..." Your lips closed my mouth and I couldn't get enough of you, your taste, your smell, your body in my arms, pressed to mine.

We never made it to the bed; I took you right down on the floor and buried myself in your heat.

* * *

I thought you were asleep, but suddenly you stirred and turned around to face me. The light was dimmed, but I could read every thought in your eyes.

"Why?" I asked. "Why now?"

You reached for me, a fingertip outlined my lips. "Because V'ger taught me how... precious... feelings are. And because my failure in achieving the Kolinahr taught me what I really desired."

"And what is your desire, Spock?" I had to ask.

"You."

I had to close my eyes to fight against a sudden urge to weep. "Spock, I am so sorry. What I did..."

"...is in the past. Kaiidth." Your finger rested across my lips. "Jim, will you bond with me?"

The fire of our love burned higher than ever before.

* * *

I should have known it was too easy. There would be a price to pay for this priceless gift. And I would be the one to pay it.

But in the end, it was you. Like always - you.

* // * // * // * // *

You got your memories back.

It took a moment to digest this news. I got to my feet, crossed the room and poured myself a drink. First things first. "You remember everything?" I asked tensely.

You nodded.

I put my untouched glass on the table as I passed by and went to my knees in front of you. "Do you still..." I found it hard to say the words through the lump in my throat. "Do you still love me, Spock?" It was the only thing I could think of.

You looked at me with those dark, unreadable eyes... and I saw my answer in the shy smile crossing your lips.

"Jim. T'hy'la - I never stopped."

You pulled me to my feet, as you got up. Our lips met in a first, and at the beginning, tentative kiss. My mind whirled. To feel you in my arms again, to breathe your scent, your heat seared through the fabric of my clothes, where your body touched mine. It was like falling... it was like flying... it was like dying. Your arms around my waist were the only things preventing me from breaking down on my knees.

Somehow we made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind us on the floor. You lifted and placed me into the middle of the bed, looking down on me.

I lay there sprawled, legs parted, cock hard and run a teasing hand down my chest, my belly. "Everything where you remember it to be?"

Again there was this smile in the corner of your mouth. And in your eyes... black, pupils dilated. "Yes, t'hy'la."

I waited for so long to hear this...

The next thing I knew was your touch, your lips on my throat. All I could do was to grab your head and hold on as you kissed your way down my body. One of your hands sneaking between my legs, to part them further, a fingertip brushing, circling the hidden entrance.

I've thought for so long of having you inside me again - but then I refused you. I rolled us over till I covered your entire body.

"Let me..." take you, possess you, punish you for leaving me alone... "...please you," I whispered, without looking at your face.

"Yes," you whispered, your voice hoarse with passion.

I always liked drive you so far that you start to lose control - over your voice, crying out my name, moaning. Over your then unguarded face, showing your need, your desire, your love. And your body, twisting and trembling beneath mine, open, vulnerable.

I slid my hands down your sides, outlining the body so familiar to me, while I claimed your lips. Your taste... I'll never get tired of tasting you. I rubbed myself against your hardness. So hot... The touch of your hands, roaming over my back, my arms, burning me.

Eternity spent in your embrace would not be enough to satisfy my yearning for you.

You held yourself open, as I inserted first one lubricated finger into the hot tightness of your body, then added a second, a third. You moaned and bucked against my hand, as my fingertips brushed over your prostate. How I loved this sound...

I coated my cock with more lubricant. I bent my head to lick across the head of your penis, to taste you, to feel you tremble against my lips. Then moved to cover your open mouth with mine. Slowly I withdrew my fingers and entered you. A silent cry vibrated against my lips, your nails dug into my shoulders as you arched towards me, impaling yourself deeper.

I stopped, buried deep inside you, to lift my head and watch your face. Your eyes closed, you wore a look of utter concentration as if you intended to memorise every touch, every sound.

And for a moment, I wasn't able to remember anything other than the burning as the bond was ripped from my mind. Odd moment to think about this... feeling you alive and aroused beneath me.

Then you opened your eyes. And I forgot the pain of the past.

Your legs around my waist urged me to move and I started to thrust. I couldn't stop to watch your face, wanted not wanting to miss the one moment when you would lose control completely.

I closed my fingers around your penis, started to milk you with my thrusts. Suddenly it was all that mattered - to make you come. Come for me.

* // * // * // * // *

Another mission ended and I was promoted anew to HQ. Hell, I couldn't do anything to prevent it. So I told myself to be tired of adventures, of the dangers, of the joys.

You accepted a post at the Academy. I know you always loved being a teacher.

I thought us to be content, even happy.

Still I envied you for being the one who could take the Enterprise to the stars, even if it was for a mere training cruise.

And then there was one training cruise I could join you.

The first night aboard we had dinner on the observation deck. We ate in silence, the stars around us whispering of serenity and belonging. But all I could feel was anger at being separated from what I considered my legitimate place - in the centre seat of a ship.

Later we made love... no, that's not the right word... I took you spread-eagled, your face against the wall, in your quarters. I took you in anger and lust and out of a need to command, to possess.

You just held me afterwards in your embrace.

And then... there was Khan. And suddenly I was alone, you were dead, the bond gone.

I never knew how I lived through the days after, made all the right (or so I hoped) decisions. Somehow I made it back to Earth without breaking down. Without shedding a tear for you. I was numb inside, empty. I was... dead.

The first night alone in our apartment I lost it. I broke down, cried for you till there were no tears left. I slept in your office, curled up on the floor, one of your robes clutched to my chest. I could still smell your unique scent, lingering in the velvet fabric.

I started to grieve for you, to yearn for you. And after a while, I even started to hate you. Because you left me. Deserted me. Broke our bond, which was supposed to take me with you in case of your death.

Then there was another night: Sarek's visit and the news he brought to me.

* // * // * // * // *

You came, thrusting in my hand, hot seed spilling over my fingers. I watched your face, distorted with pleasure. It was enough to push me over the edge, too.

I came to lay next to you, a boneless heap of flesh. As you put your arms around me, I felt like crying and hid my face against your neck.

And you whispered, "I love you."

You'd never done that before. I always 'knew' it, but you never spoke it aloud.

It made me furious.

I stumbled out of bed, gazed down on you, sprawled relaxed on the bed, your face so calm, so open - and felt nothing but rage.

And then I accused you of being here in my - our - bed out of mere gratitude or a sense of misplaced friendship. I denied the love you confessed a moment ago. Hell, I think I'll never know where that came from.

You scared me to death.

Slowly you got up and came to me, searching my gaze. "Jim, what... I never..." Something in my face or maybe my eyes stopped you. I could clearly see your insecurity.

I knew - your newborn feelings struggled still with the teachings you received on Vulcan during your re-education. And I did nothing to help you. Instead, I started to yell my accusations - *You* left me. *You* broke our bond. *You* denied every moment of nearness, every feeling of affection, of love between us, during the time after your fal tor pan and the voyage in Earth's past, when my own insecurities took over. When I was weak and yearned for your strength.

* * *

Now you're gone. I know - after everything I said tonight, I may have lost you forever. But there are still doubts nagging - why did you break our bond, why didn't you love me enough to take me with you?

-End-